


All Mistakes are Temporary

by Vamphile



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Future, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-21
Updated: 2005-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-26 19:45:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 82,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12065769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vamphile/pseuds/Vamphile
Summary: It's three months after the final episode, and not everyone is as happy with their decisions as they thought they'd be, especially Brian and JustinFeedback is like lifeblood, even if you hate it.this fic is completed but continued in "all mistakes are temporaryII"chapters 20+ can be found there.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

**__**

This fic is continued in "all mistakes are temorary II"

this is chapter One, 1-22 are here the rest can be found uner "the end done right" at http://www.valerielewis.net/bj/fic.html

* * *

Brian was drunk, that wasn’t new, lately Brian was drunk a lot, it felt good, well, not good but better. It had been three months since he’d said goodbye to Lindsay, and to Gus, and to Justin.

He lay on the mattress, it had been delivered to the house a couple days after the wedding had been scheduled, but he’d never bothered to have them set up the bed, he’d simply gestured towards a room, he hadn’t even been paying attention to which room… so now, when he passed out in bed, he was in the room that he had planned to be Gus’s. 

The house had too many rooms. “I used to live in one big room that had everything,” he thought now I live in a hundred rooms with nothing. And nothing was only a slight exaggeration. He had sold a lot of the furniture with the loft, modern Italian leather wasn’t really the style for a Tudor country manor, and so, when he left the loft, a few hours after Justin had, he’s taken his clothes, and little else.

The movers came and packed up what he hadn’t sold with the loft and delivered it…

It was all in boxes in the room closest to the front door, he hadn’t bothered to unpack a thing. Sometimes he felt like he was living in the castle in Citizen Kane, and sometimes, he was too drunk to think about it.

A couple of times a week Mikey stopped by and brought food from the diner, and lemon bars, which was convenient because then he could throw out the old food from the diner, and the stale lemon bars that were still sitting on the counter from the last time he’d visited.

Brian worked hard, and then worked out after work, and would sometimes stop by Mikey’s for dinner, but mostly he just did anything to avoid coming back to the house, the big empty house that he lived in…alone.

He drove by Mel and Lindz’s a few times, but they were gone…they called, and he talked to Gus, who was at a chatterbox age, and he smiled then as he listened to stories about t-ball and his friend Sam, who it turns out is imaginary, and then he hangs up the phone and stops smiling.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

He stops by Mikey’s tonight, he just can’t go back to the house yet (he just can’t think of it as home either). He’s already half buzzed from the joint he was smoking in the car when he knocks on the door.

Michael answers, and Brian leans in and kisses him, “hi honey I’m home, what’s for dinner” 

“Brian” Michael whines, “You’re stoned”  
“Yes, good point, so got any cheetos?”  
Michael looks back at Ben apologetically and Ben just shrugs, somewhat understanding how lost Brian is.

Brian collapses on the sofa in an easy sprawl 

“So, how bout a drink?” he looks at Michael  
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink lately? Christ Brian, you look like hell”  
“I look beautiful” Brian rubs his face; “I mean, I think so, Christ, did remember to shave today?” he’s mumbling now, in that way he has.

“Never mind, I’ll get it myself” he pops up with surprising agility from the sofa and finds a bottle of vodka in the freezer…

“I can always count on Mikey to have cheap vodka in the freezer, I love you Mikey”

Michael is aggravated, but sad for his friend, who is taking a very long pull straight from the bottle.   
He looks at Ben and shrugs “I guess he’s sleeping here tonight” Ben smiles and gives Michael a peck on the cheek, 

“I’ll go finish dinner, when he finds out its tofu and beans, he’ll be less interested in eating anyway”

Brian, having heard the conversation takes out his phone and makes a call, he orders two large pizzas to be delivered to Mikey’s and then settles onto the Sofa, which for all it’s lumpy faults, isn’t in that stupid ass house he hates.

 

NEW YORK.

Justin hates having roommates, he’d lived with Brian, which was…well, never easy, but had it’s perks, and he and Daphne had been friends for so long that sharing a place with her was pretty easy, but sleeping on someone else’s sofa while trying to find a place that wouldn’t cost him more than 600 a month to split was killing him, and there were already three people living here, four fags, one bathroom, this s not a happy equation.

The guys were interesting enough, but they were young, well, okay they were exactly the same age he was, but they were just discovering some of the things that Justin was already bored with. They went out every night, coming home in the early hours of the morning laughing and joking about the men they’d seen, and done. 

The tricks they brought home were laughable…well, maybe not, but to Justin there was nothing but Brian and he was trying to clear his mind of that. He did so by working. He found a studio space. He shared it with two other artists. One worked with classical techniques, painting Italian frescos on pieces of concrete, the other was a woman who worked with “found metal” she picked up pieces off the street, welded them together and called it art.

Justin painted, he was working on large canvases, and covering the cost of the studio space, and paint and supplies was digging deeply into his funds, but he had a couple of meetings with galleries this week, and was hoping to sell some pieces. 

He missed Brian.

Justin shook his head, the idea was to NOT keep thinking that, and each time the phrase “I miss Brian” shot unwelcome into his head, he doubled his efforts to succeed, to be able to afford a place of his own, with studio space, a place where he could work, and build a life, and not feel like he’d made a huge mistake.

“I’ve made a huge mistake” he shook his head again, and stood back from the canvas he was working on to take it in more fully, only he knew what it was.

Most people who had seen it (about half a dozen that had wandered into the studio as friends of his “studio mates” had called it abstract but intense.

The canvas was huge, brown, almost black, with stripes of hazel, and gold emanating from the center. It was Brian’s eyes, when the looked at him just before he was about to come…or yell at him, it was that stormy darkness with the light behind it that only Justin knew, well, Justin and a hundred thousand other men in Pittsburgh but only Justin had ever had the chance to really study it, most of those men, had never seen that color, they’d been in the dark, in a back alley, in the baths, they hadn’t seen him in broad daylight, his eyes wide with anger, or fear, or lust, Justin had, and this is what they looked like, or would look like if they were ten feet tall and 7 feet wide.

The pattern was burned into Justin’s brain, and now, it was coming to life on the canvas.

 

ONE MONTH LATER  
Justin came back from the show very satisfied, he had sold ALL of his pieces. It had been a multiple artist show, he wasn’t ready for his own show yet, but he made money, good money, enough money to get a place, and…there was a knock at the studio door.

Brian was in his office. Ted was rambling something about money, and taxes and… he tuned out, and continued to consider the copy in front of him for a new line of men’s accessories, but nothing was jumping out at him.

“Brian” Ted tried to get his attention.  
“Brian!” louder this time.

“What Theodore”  
“I um, need you to sign these” Brian signed his name wherever the red arrow told him to. It and Ted started to walk out of his office…

“WAIT”   
Ted stopped dead in his tracks.

“What did I just sign?”

“Nothing major, mortgage insurance, life insurance for Gus, a 10% salary increase for your top level executives.”

“A what? For who?”

Ted had known it couldn’t be that easy, but Brian hadn’t been listening to him. “Brian, you’re impossible”

“Thank you Teddy, I appreciate the input”  
“No Brian, listen to me, you’re im-poss-i-ble, you’re driving everyone insane, you work 90-100 hours a week, on a slow week, you’re here all the time, you’re cranky, and snippy, and if you don’t start shelling out some extra incentives we’re gonna lose our talent pool”

Brian looked at Ted, and saw the logic to what he was saying

:”Cyn’s getting a raise too?” 

“Of course”  
“And you Teddy, did you take care of yourself?”   
“Brian, I’m one of the top execs, I am included in the package”  
“Fine, but give Cyn a 20% raise, and you, well, make it 25%”  
“Brian are you sure?”  
“Do you want to talk me out of giving you more money Ted? I thought you were a better accountant than that”  
Ted smiled “right, not another word, I’ll put the paperwork through”

Brian sat back down in his chair and collapsed his head onto his desk. He vaguely remembered mornings of fresh clothes in his office after he’s spent the night at Mikey’s he’d never really questioned how they got there. He considered the mornings he’d woken up on the sofa in his office, to find coffee and juice, or even more amazing, hot scrambled egg whites from the diner. Cynthia had been putting in more than her share of hours lately he realized, and Ted had probably been covering his ass in ways he couldn’t imagine when it came to the business. 

“Kinney” he said to himself, “it’s time to get your head back into the game”

NEW YORK  
Justin answered the door to find Jason Ranston, the owner of the gallery from the show last night.

“Mr. Ranston, come in” Justin was confused as to the mans appearance here today. They had already made arrangements for him to pick up his check at the end of the month once the pieces had been delivered.

“All of your work sold Mr. Taylor”  
“All of it?”  
“You’re the only artist in the show who doesn’t have a piece left”  
“Really?” Justin was smiling and he couldn’t help it, it wasn’t about the money, it was about…well, it was a little about the money.  
“Do you think you’re ready for your own show?” he asked  
“I’m not sure I have enough pieces yet” Justin answered truthfully, and gestured towards his space in the studio, which had about a half a dozen finished canvases, the rest were only partially complete, or blank.

“Mr., Taylor, here’s my proposal, I’d usually take you out for coffee, at least to pitch this but I’ll be honest, I’m a busy man, and there are going to be others knocking on your door today, I wanted to get here first. I need to keep your name, and your art in the public eye, so I’ll take what’s complete now, and I show them throughout the next few months, a few pieces at a time, and in nine months, That would be December, we feature you in your own show”

”that’s very generous Mr. Ranston”   
“Bullshit, I’m not being generous, I’m being proprietary, I gave you your first show, and you’re going to be big, HUGE, and I want the show, I want my gallery to remain the one who discovered you, I want my gallery to be the one that reaps the profits, shared handsomely with you of course”

“Of course” Justin tried not to smile too wide.

An idea occurred to him, it was an idea he KNEW he should push back into the depths of his brain, and simply shake the mans hand, sign the papers and get to work.

“Mr. Ranston? Do I need to paint in New York”?

“Why do you ask?”

“Well, I find I’ve done some of my best stuff in Pittsburgh, so my thinking is, if the idea is to have a spectacular show in December, I go back to my studio there, and create where I do it best”   
Now Justin was just lying, he didn’t have a studio there, but he could get one, and he could be in Pittsburgh, with his mom, and Molly, and… Brian.

“I need you at the shows Mr. Taylor”  
Justin’s heart sank, and then bounced back  
“You want your studio to show my work, and you want to reap the benefits of my success, well, you will, and I will guarantee you three appearances at showings within the next eight months, keeping my name on everyone’s lips, but not over exposing myself, but in the meantime, I work in Pittsburgh, where I know my discipline is at it’s best, and my concentration at it’s most precise”

The studio owner offered his hand and Justin shook it.

“Do you have a lawyer?”  
Justin’s heart twinged a little, he used to, he used to have Mel, but now…  
“I’ll get one”  
“Good, I’ll have the contracts messengered over today”

Justin wanted to call Brian immediately, but he didn’t, they weren’t like that anymore…were they? He was never sure where he stood with Brian these days, he always seemed so distant on the phone the few times they’d talked.

He called Mel instead, told her the good news and listed while Lindsay gushed and Mel gave him a heat felt attaboy, then they put Gus on the phone and Justin smiled so widely his mouth hurt as he listed to Gus tell him about Sam and t-ball, and his baby sister, and then Justin asked him to hand the phone back to momma, and Mel was on the line.

“The thing is Mel, the studio is sending over the papers, and I don’t have a lawyer, I was wondering if you still knew anyone in New York or even Pittsburgh whom I could trust. 

Melanie thought for a moment, and rattled off a couple of names. 

“You’ll come for the show?” he asked  
“We wouldn’t miss it kiddo” Mel replied, and Justin got off the phone to make another call.

Two days later he was on a plane, and back in Pittsburgh, his mother picked him up at the airport.

 

PITTSBURGH 

“Justin, you look great sweetie,” his mom said as she greeted him.  
He hugged her back genuinely happy to see her.  
Neither said anything much while he picked up his luggage and the walked to her car. Once she had cleared the airport she turned to look at him   
“So, where am I taking you?”  
Justin shrugged and then gave up the pretence of nonchalance,   
“I need to see Brian, so, I guess the loft”  
“Honey, he sold the loft”  
“Sold it? I figured after I left he’d take it off the market”  
“No, I was at the closing myself, he sold it, and kept the house”  
“THE house? is that where he’s living?”  
“I guess so” his mother shrugged, it’s never been re-listed” she glanced over at Justin “I check every once in a while to see”  
“Well, I guess take me to the house then”  
“Justin are you sure?”  
“I’m sure mom, I’m finally sure”  
Jennifer’s car pulled into the empty driveway, “Justin, sweetie, I don’t think he’s home”  
Justin approached the front door, taking a deep breath, the door was locked, but Justin had a hunch and punched in the old loft alarm code into the number pad, and the light went from red to green, he opened the door. 

He walked back to the car and kissed his mother on the cheek, “I’ll call you soon” and he walked back into his country estate.

Brian was exhausted, sleep only came lately when he was too drunk or stoned to think, and then it seemed all too soon after he lost consciousness that he was pulled back to reality by his alarm. It had been a long day, and it was well past 11 pm when he finally turned off the lights in his office and headed back to the house.

Justin had gotten to the house at around seven, since then he’d been wandering the empty rooms, he found the bed, not in the master suite, just lying on the floor, and he found a room full of boxes, dusty and unopened. There were clothes, fresh from the drycleaners hung meticulously in the closet, some things never changed. There were also piles of dirty laundry and discarded cigarette packs laying everywhere. Justin had imagined Brian still in Pittsburgh a thousand times, sometimes a thousand times in a single day, he had never pictured him pacing the rooms of an empty house like Mrs. Haversham, he didn’t know whether to be touched, worried, or aggravated. 

His feelings varied depending on the debris he found, the several empty cases of scotch left him aggravated, as did the cigarettes, but the bed, looking so sparse, left him feeling touched, and well, worried was a bit of a constant.

He was worried about a lot of things; specifically what Brian was going to say when he found him here.

He pulled a sketchbook out of his backpack and started to draw the bed, the empty, crumpled sheets, the single pillow, the discarded cigarette boxes and overflowing ashtray, he was sketching intently when he heard the car pull into the driveway.

The minute Brian pulled in he sensed something was wrong…the lights were on, he knew he didn’t leave the fucking lights on, and was the door partially open? He got out of the car and carefully swung the door inwards, but the alarm had not gone off. For a moment, a thought flickered, and he pushed it away. Then he laughed, even if someone had broken in, what the fuck were they gonna steal, a couple of stale lemon bars and a half empty pack of cigarettes? He walked into the house and stopped dead in his tracks.

“Justin”  
Justin smiled; he hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath ‘til he let it out  
“Brian, I’m back”  
“What the fuck are you doing here?”  
Justin was somewhat prepared for this, he wasn’t silly enough to think that the sentimental Brian, who had been so open with him before the wedding would remain once his heart had been broken, but as prepared as he had been, it still saddened him to think about how much reinforcement Brian had probably put into the wall around his heart…shit, that fucker was probably steel rebar and poured concrete at this point.  
Justin was wrong.

“Never mind, doesn’t matter” Brian said, “You’re here”

Brian decided not to process the information further than that, Justin was smiling, arms around his neck, hugging him…whatever this meant, wherever it lead, he didn’t care right now.

He leaned in and kissed Justin’s neck, and then possessively covered Justin’s mouth with his own, his desire taking over any more thought as his tongue mapped out the terrain inside the younger man’s mouth.

Justin had been prepared for a lot of greeting scenarios and while this was the one he had hoped for, he hadn’t really expected it, but he responded, instantly. He felt Brian’s hot breath against his neck, and then was bending backwards as the taller man took his mouth like enemy territory being reclaimed.

They pulled apart for a second, long enough to inhale, push Brian's jacket off his shoulders, where it fell in a pile behind him, his tie was next, and Justin was being backed slowly up the foyer stairs into the great room.

Brian was pulling at Justin's shirt, trying to reach skin. Justin held his arms above his head, and Brian removed the offending garment, they were at each other’s flies next, grasping desperately, separating their mouths for only moments at a time, and even then, they stood, forehead to forehead, not wanting to lose contact, not even for a split second. Justin kicked off his shoes, Brian did the same and soon they were both naked, pressed against each other, standing skin to skin.

Justin started to kiss down Brian's neck, until he was even with his nipples, he took one in his mouth, licking and sucking, until Brian pulled him back up and kissed him again, Justin wrapped one leg around Brian's waist, and Brian used his hands to gesture that he should do the same with the other. Brian was holding him now, his legs wrapped around the taller mans waist as he continued to kiss him, his hands kneading Justin's ass, his mouth needing Justin's breath, he took him upstairs and fell on top of him onto the bed.

Brian raised himself up on his arms, and stared into Justin's eyes, and Justin returned the look and realized he had a million more paintings to do, because he hadn’t gotten it right, nothing he’d done came close to what he was seeing. Brian leaned down and kissed him again as if his life depended on it, while his other arm searched around beside the bed…

“Dammit, he thought to himself, there’s got to be one here somewhere” he had never brought a trick back to this house, but a Brian Kinney bedroom without a condom…not feasible. Then he remembered where there was one. He crawled over Justin, and the young blonde lifted his head to kiss the passing parts of Brian's torso as it moved towards the head of the bed. Brian reached over to a pile of rumpled clothes trying to find his jeans, as he stretched searching franticly for them, his cock was directly over Justin's face. Justin didn’t miss a beat, his tongue shot out, licking the sweet drops of precum from Brian who groaned and almost came right then. He moved back down, his jeans in hand, kissing Justin again, and searching the pockets until he found what he was looking for.

He held up the packet with a smile as if it were a winning lottery ticket. Justin wriggled beneath him, creating a delicious friction. He ripped the package open with his teeth and got back to the matter at hand.

Justin's legs were wrapped around him, and Brian put his hands behind him on the boys ankles and pulled his feet up to his shoulders…he slowly started to enter him, it took all of the restraint he had not to just pound into him as hard as he could, and Justin's eyes were still locked on his, as he pushed slowly, the plan to go slow was shot to hell when Justin bucked his body onto Brian's cock, impaling himself. 

Brian pumped him hard, bending him in half to lean in and kiss him. Justin's hands were clawing at Brian's back, trying to get closer, to pull the man inside him, inside his skin where they could never be separated again, the friction of Brian against him, Brian leaned back a little, his hands finding Justin's and intertwining their fingers, he leaned back in, and they both shot, Justin into the small space between their bodies and Brian deep into the condom inside Justin. 

Brian literally wanted to pinch himself to make sure it wasn’t a dream, but it wasn’t, and if it was…well, he just never wanted to wake up. He pulled himself off of Justin, reluctantly; he wasn’t trying to crush the life out of him. As he pulled out, he watched the beautiful blonde face show that small twinge of longing that he always showed when he was left feeling empty, that small moment before he would curl up against Brian and cling to him.

Brian flopped onto his back on the bed, removing the used condom and dropping it inside a half crumpled cigarette box. Justin moved closer to Brian, settling his head on Brian's shoulder.

Brian smiled, “so, how long you in town for?”  
Brian could feel Justin smiling against his shoulder “how long do you want me for?”


	2. All Mistakes are Temporary

Brian awoke, feeling rested for the first time in months. It was the first time he’d slept, not passed out, since Justin had left, and he felt…well, he felt warm, actually hot, and sticky, and Justin had apparently crashed as well, he could only see the top of his blonde head without moving, and if he moved he’d wake him, so he stayed still, and tried not to focus on the fact that the kid was drooling on his shoulder.

His right arm reached out beside the bed, discarding several crumpled boxes before finding the half full pack of cigarettes, he maneuvered one out, using only his right hand, as his left was somewhat trapped under the very hot drooling kid that may now be permanently attached to his side. He found a lighter on the floor, lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply. 

“How long do you want me for?” those were the last words Justin had said before they had both fallen asleep… what did that mean? Was he back for good? What was he giving up to be here? Brian realized that while he would never give up an opportunity to fuck Justin, he would always pass on the opportunity to fuck Justin over, or let him fuck up his life just to be with him. His head began to spin and he lazily took another drag from his cigarette. He was startled when Justin removed it from his mouth and took a drag himself. 

“Morning” Brian said with a half smile as Justin rolled onto his back.

Belatedly Justin realized that he had been drooling, on Brian's shoulder yet, he was embarrassed, as Brian took the cigarette back and Justin wiped his mouth with his hand. He searched around the bed for something to use to dry Brian's shoulder and came up with a tissue, Brian moved his hand away before he used the wrinkled Kleenex. 

“Trust me, your morning drool is cleaner than whatever’s in that”  
Justin, understanding dawning flicked it away and just lay back on the bed  
they lay in silence, passing the cigarette back and forth as if it were a joint. And then Brian lit a second one, and they did the same, and then a third.

Justin, inhaling from the fourth cigarette in a row finally got the nerve to speak  
“Are we going to just lay here getting lung cancer or should we eventually talk?’  
He turned to his side, to see the flicker across Brian’s face and belatedly remembered that lung cancer, hell, cancer at all was probably not the best topic for sarcastic banter, but Brian recovered quickly, he stood up and leaned his head into his own armpit.   
“god I stink, I need a shower”  
Justin stood as well,   
“I’ll make something for breakfast”  
He wasn’t ready yet to fall back into the easy rhythm of showering together. Brian smiled  
“Good luck” and took off for the bathroom

Justin searched for something to wear; he wasn’t comfortable enough in this house yet to walk around naked. While it was obvious Brian didn’t have a maid, he had no idea who may or may not be expected. He tiptoed downstairs wearing one of Brian's t-shirts and found his duffle bag, where he grabbed a pair of sweat pants and padded off to the kitchen.

Brian showered quickly, when he found his phone he made a quick call to the office to tell them he wouldn’t be in today, Cynthia assured him there were no dire meetings scheduled, and all would be well, and he headed to the kitchen where he was greeted with an aggravated young blonde.

“There is nothing to eat here.”  
Brian, his hair still wet gave a shrug and a smile, “I know”

Justin surveyed the inside of the fridge, and it was exactly as he remembered Brian's fridge to be, empty, save for poppers, a few bottles of beer, and a box of baking soda…there wasn’t even an avocado

He had been hopeful about the Styrofoam containers from the diner, but the food looked old, and dried up, and the lemon bars in the box on the counter were better used as percussion instruments than foodstuffs. The cabinets were bare, no pasta, no canned goods… Brian had never been to a grocery store since moving here. It became more and more clear with each moment just how much Brian had left his life on hold while Justin was away.

“Okay then” Justin said, turning to face Brian, we’re going out for breakfast, I’ll be down in a few minutes. 

Brian sat on the bench at the end of the kitchen, it was a built in, and thus, one of the few seating options in the house. Then he heard the shower running.

The thought of Justin, naked, wet, soapy, went straight through him, and he stood up, walked slowly upstairs, and removed his clothing outside the bathroom door, he let himself in, and pressed his chest against the young mans back, snaking his arms around his waist. 

Justin leaned back, his head resting against Brian’s shoulder as he allowed the taller man to take the soap from his hand.

“God I’m starving” Justin said, reaching for the shampoo. Brian took the bottle from him, and squeezed some onto his hand, and then commenced lathering up the blonde hair, massaging the scalp. Justin groaned.   
“Just tell me there’s someplace decent to eat around here and that we don’t have to drive all the way into the city”  
Brian shrugged, “haven’t actually explored the town yet myself, but there must be something. Don’t worry sunshine, I won’t let you starve” and with that he spun the boy around, kissing him while the water sluiced over both their bodies, covering them with the sudsy shampoo residue from Justin's hair. 

The kissing became more intense, and each felt their desire growing.   
“This’ll work” Brian thought, “we’ll just keep fucking and then we’ll never have to talk, hell I did that for 29 years before I met the kid, I’m sure I could do it again”

Justin was thinking along similar lines.

Turns out, he was comfortable with their morning shower routine. More than comfortable, and only when they were completely out of hot water, did the two emerge from the shower significantly cleaner, and a little more tired than they had been when they had first entered.

Eventually Brian was dressed again, and Justin had dug up a pair of cargo pants and a long sleeve t-shirt that wasn’t too covered in paint. When he emerged Brian laughed.

“What?”  
“You’re covered in paint”  
Justin looked himself over, there were a couple of smudges on his elbow, and a few small areas where he’d used his pants to wipe the paint off his fingers.   
“I’ve been working really hard, this is as paint free as I get” he shrugged and kissed Brian while pulling him out the door  
“C’mon, I’m STARVING”

“Yes” Brian said “food”

They’d been driving for about five minutes in complete silence when Brian spoke first. “So, why are you here?”

Justin took a deep breath and began at the beginning, with the shared apartment and the studio space. He left out almost no detail of his life in New York as he regaled Brian. They had found a diner, ordered, and eaten half of their breakfasts before he was finished. 

“So my mom dropped me off at the house and then I waited for you and you were there for the rest of it”  
Brian put down his fork,   
“So you’re really back for good?”  
“Yeah, I mean, like I said, I’ve got to do a couple weekends in New York over the next couple of months but I’m gonna be based out of Pittsburgh from now on. Oh, and I’ll probably have to spend a couple weeks in New York in December, once we’re setting up for the show”  
“So you’re really back for good?” Brian asked again, trying to stop smiling like a pathetic retarded idiot.  
Justin looked up, and wondered if Brian's face had possibly broken, he’d never seen him smile like that. “Yeah, I’m back for good”

There was a lot to discuss, in theory, they both knew it, and yet, in a seemingly mutual and unspoken decision…today wasn’t the day.

Brian paid the check and they got back in the car.  
“There’s a shopping center down the street, we should go to the market, unless you’re willing to live on poppers and single malt scotch. I’ve been doing it for a while, and it’s not half bad really.”

Justin gave him one of those looks that ONLY Justin, and maybe Debbie could get away with and he nodded “right, to the market”


	3. All Mistakes are Temporary

Brian grabbed a cart and braced himself, he hated grocery shopping and doing so with Justin was going to be a lesson in patience, he already knew that about him.

He headed off to the left, and Justin grabbed the cart and pulled in the other direction. “All the frozen food and refrigerated stuff in on the left, you have to start on the right or the ice cream will be melted before we get to the checkout.”

“Who said we’re buying ice cream?”  
“Brian, this way” Justin pulled the cart  
“Christ, you really are a good little housewife”  
“And you love me for it” Justin stood on the bottom of the cart and leaned over to kiss Brian. They moved on to the produce section.   
“You know” Justin said “that was probably a bad idea”  
“The grapes” Brian asked, “I thought you liked grapes.”  
“Not the grapes you dope, the kiss, we’re not exactly on Liberty Avenue anymore”  
“No we’re not” Brian said as he walked around the cart and pulled Justin closer, “but that’s not going to get me to stop kissing you”  
“Brian” Justin giggled as he felt the hot breath on his neck.  
“Fine” Brian said, “no touching” and he continued to walk the produce section, tossing a few things into the cart, pretending not to notice Justin pouting behind him.  
“I didn’t say NO touching”  
Brian turned back and pulled Justin closer again and whispered in his ear “I don’t do anything halfway”  
Justin nibbled his earlobe and whispered back “and I love you for it.”

They meandered through the aisles buying everything a kitchen might need, spices, oils, flour, sugar, all the basics, and while doing so they were chatting amicably about the house.

“So, we should really have the bathroom remodeled” Justin said  
Brian raised an eyebrow, but listened  
“We should get a double headed steam shower”  
“Is the honeymoon over already? You can’t stand being close to me in the shower?”  
A customer pushed her cart by them and gave them an odd look, Justin leaned in closer to Brian and kissed him again “I love being close to you in the shower, but at some point, we may have to admit that we do need to get clean and leave said shower”  
“We did, we did that today”  
“Once all the hot water was gone”  
“How does this make a double shower head steam shower thing you’re talking about more efficient as far as time goes?”  
Justin scrunched up his face trying to come up with a reasonable excuse for wanting one and finally he found it  
“Because I want one!”  
Brian laughed, “that is the best reason you’ve given me yet…I’ll call the contractor tomorrow.” 

“Really?” Justin was literally jumping up and down like a little kid.  
“Yeah, really, the house needs a lot of work, ugh” Brian rolled his eyes “and furniture, I think we’re gonna have to buy some furniture”

Justin laughed, we defiantly need at least a sofa and a bed…or if not a bed a second pillow, I can’t drool on your shoulder every night” he blushed at the memory

Brian stood stock still, his breath was suddenly shallow, but he shook it off, it was just a moment, but seeing the boy blush, he had forgotten he still did that, it was something he wasn’t sure he’d ever get used to.

“Yeah, we need to get you a pillow” If it were up to Brian, the kid could drool on his shoulder every night, but he could see the basic common sense in having more than one pillow on a bed for two.”

“And the stables”

“What about them?” Brian asked

“Well, I figured they’d get the best light, so I could put a studio up in the stables, but it has to get done kind of fast, cause I have got to get some work done. Or I guess I could just rent a space somewhere.”

Brian smiled, not ready to reveal all the houses surprises just yet. “We’ll get it done fast”

While unloading the groceries and trying to decide where everything should go the continued to amicably chat about possible renovations.

“Really, that’s Gus’s room?”  
“Yeah” Brian replied, “at least I always figured it was”

“Then why is your bed in it?”  
“It was the very first door at the top of the stairs”   
“And the boxes in the parlor?”  
“Parlor?”  
“Yes, that’s the official name for a formal sitting room, which is what that’s supposed to be”  
“Oh, well, the boxes are there because.”  
“Let me guess,” Justin cut him off “it was closest to the door”  
Brian smiled, “got it in one”  
“So, you switched from Jim Beam to single malt scotch, and other than that, have made not a single change in your life or this house?”  
“Oh I made changes to my life, just no changes to the house, and Christ, my decorator called daily for three weeks before I finally had to tell him to fuck off… um, Justin, I think we’re gonna need a new decorator”  
“You tell lots of people to fuck off, surely you can apologize”  
“I’m not so sure, he caught me at a really bad time”  
“Brian, what did you say to him?”  
“I honestly don’t remember exactly, but there was an implied bestiality reference, and a mention about finding nicer crap at target than what he could provide”  
Justin doubled over with laughter. In the several changes the loft had gone through over the years Justin had run into Brian's decorator on a few occasions. He made Emmet look straight, and like a Spanish telenovella seem low key on the drama, Justin couldn’t stop laughing as he pictured the mans reaction to Brian telling him that target had nicer stuff. When he finally wiped his eyes of tears he pulled it together long enough to agree “we’re gonna need a different decorator…or”  
“Or?”  
”Or, we could do it ourselves”  
”Fuck that”  
Justin approached Brian, leaning into him, kissing his neck, and whispering, “it could be fun”  
“Lots of things are fun, haggling with contractors and furniture suppliers are not on that list, plus you have to concentrate on your show, and I still have a business to run, we’re getting another decorator, I’ll have Cynthia find someone”

“Shit, Brian, I have to get art supplies, I’m gonna have to rent a van, there’s no way it’ll fit in your car”  
“Justin we’re in the suburbs, we’re gonna have to get you a car period”  
“Okay, we’ll get a second car but I’m paying for it”  
“The fuck you are”  
“Why cant’ I pay for my own car?”  
“Because I don’t’ want some piece of shit leaking oil on our lovely driveway or breaking down on the turnpike all the time”  
“And of course I’d buy a piece of shit. Brian, do you have any idea how many canvasses I sold when I was in New York, or how much they went for?”  
“Yes, I do, you sold all 14 that were ever up for sale, at an average cost of $6500.00 per piece, after taxes, and gallery commissions your net worth is somewhere in the area of fifty thousand dollars, almost enough to pay back your school loan, but hardly enough to buy a car and the supplies you’ll need for the show.

Justin stared at him  
Brian shrugged “Ted’s your accountant, and teddy works for me”  
“So he broke client confidentiality?  
“No, I just searched his files”  
“So you were checking up on me”  
“All the damn time”  
Justin wanted to be mad, but he wasn’t.

Justin pouted, “you’re going to ask me to pay back the loan rather than buy the car and supplies I need?’  
“No, but you do need that money for art supplies, and…”looking Justin up and down, “some clothes that are NOT covered in paint. I’ll tell you what; we’ll buy the car together. You make the down payment, and I’ll cover the payments”  
“Fine, but only because I’m gonna need a lot of supplies, they want at least 40 pieces done by October, and I’ve got a few already planned, in multiple media”  
“Shit, Brian, I’m gonna have to rent studio space, there’s no way the stables could be done in time”  
“You’re right, the stables will never be done in time, but come here”  
“Where are you taking me?”  
Brian tucked two fingers through the waist of his pants and pulled Justin forward. They walked through the kitchen to the utility room, with a washer and dryer and huge sink, beyond that was another door; Justin hadn’t paid any attention to this space when he had been examining the house. He had ducked his head in, noticed a laundry room and ducked his head back out. But Brian led him through the door into the most beautiful space he’d ever seen.

“They called it the sun room, but I had it renovated a little, it was going to be your wedding present”

“The room was perfect, warm tile floors, and light coming in from every angle.   
“Look” Brian pointed out, the shades are on a remote, so you can vary and filter the light anytime you want, plus, Enormous amounts of storage, a huge sink, and my personal favorite feature…”

He led Justin further into the depths of the room where there were already a few easels and some un-stretched canvases waiting for him. In the corner next to the large industrial sink was another door, and inside was a small bathroom, with a shower, a full steam shower that shot from twelve different points along the wall

“This way, you don’t have to traipse through the house covered in paint.”

Justin was in tears “you did this for me?”  
“I do everything for you, I thought you were on to me about that”  
“I thought I was, but you keep fucking surprising me”  
”so, do you think you can work here? There’s a stereo in the corner, and…”

Brian’s verbal tour of the room was truncated by a passionate kiss from Justin.

Justin turned on the new shower, and got the water as hot as he could stand it, and then he dragged Brian, clothes and all into it with him. And together, they christened the new shower, and then the new studio space. And when they were sure they were completely exhausted, they threw their wet clothes into the washing machine, and then christened the utility room.

Brian found the pack of cigarettes he’d rescued from his jacket pocket, they had been protected from the shower by the leather of his jacket. He lit two and gave one to Justin.  
He sat on top of the washer, Justin hoisted himself onto the dryer and they sat together in silence for a few minutes.

“So tomorrow, we buy a car.”  
“Justin smiled, and today, we go back out and buy a pillow”  
Brian groaned but he knew there was no getting out of it…  
”Right, as soon as you can walk again, we’re off to shop for a pillow, a waterproof one.”  
Justin blushed again, and Brian talked himself down from christening the hallway outside the utility room.

They spent the rest of the day catching up on the little things in Brian's life since the non-wedding incident.


	4. All Mistakes are Temporary

The bed now had seven pillows. In a classic Kinney act of over indulgence, once the found the down pillows he was looking for, they bought six. And then there was the one pillow that had been there previously. Brian couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept so well, and he was genuinely amused to find that all of that pillow testing, and all of the ways they’d used them last night to prop up their bodies, for better angles and better lines of vision at what one was doing to the other, the one thing that hadn’t changed was where Justin chose to lay his head. The kid was drooling on his shoulder again, and he was actually pleased. “I really have changed” he though to himself as he lay his head back on his pillows and once again lit a cigarette one handed.

Justin awoke to the smell of cigarette smoke, and the feeling of being well rested, it was something he hadn’t felt in a while, lumpy couches in loud dorm like settings were great, if you were into that, but laying here, resting your head on the shoulder of the man you loved that was…

Suddenly he became aware that he’d done it again, and pulled himself off of Brian embarrassed.

Brian put his cigarette out quickly and leaned over to kiss his boy wonder. “If you’re gonna get upset every time you wake up your head on my shoulder we’re going to have a lot of difficult mornings” he continued to hold his body over the younger mans and leaned in to kiss him. Justin knew it had to be love, because the taste of Brian’s kiss was wonderful, and morning breath, mixed with scotch, cigarettes and a faint taste of himself, why was that so erotic? The answer was simple, because it was the taste of Brian.

Brian felt Justin responding to the kiss and pulled back just a bit to give him that obnoxious and knowing smile that only he could pull off without seeming like the worlds biggest asshole. 

“You can drool on my shoulder anytime Sunshine.” And he watched the boy blush. Brian secretly hoped that Justin would never stop being embarrassed about something so stupid. Being able to make him blush like this was something Brian truly enjoyed. 

Justin covered his face with his hands to hide his embarrassment. They slowly moved up to his hair as he arched his back and responded to Brian's hands which somehow seemed to be everywhere on his body at once.

Justin then wrapped his arms around Brian and rolled him over, staring into his hazel eyes he shook his head slowly back and forth and smiled “my turn” he began to kiss down Brian's neck, stopping once in a while to thoroughly hit a particular spot. He moved further down his chest, his hands blazing the trail his mouth would soon follow. He stopped at Brian's nipples and licked, and sucked, and then bit, pulling the nipple with his teeth until Brian's back arched following Justin's mouth. When he let go Brian whimpered, and Justin smiled. He was planning on taking his time. 

Each movement was slow, and deliberate. He kept his mind focused because if he thought too much about what he was doing, he would be sucking Brian off in a matter of minutes. 

He continued his slow decent, kissing along the line of Brian's abdomen, stopping with his mouth directly over Brian's hard cock. He breathed open mouthed, his hot breath making Brian twitch, and smiled, and then with a single lick, moved lower to Brian's thighs. Brian groaned. He knew exactly what the kid was doing; he was torturing him, not entirely unfairly, as Brian had taught him this technique through his own usage of excitement/denial pairing.

Justin was an excellent pupil, he had learned well. He was licking and sucking the inside of Brian's thighs, his hands stretching up to pinch a nipple or rub against his chest.

After what seemed like an eternity Justin moved his head up to lick lightly at Brian's balls, which only made him buck harder, but Justin put his hands on Brian's hips and held him down against the bed as he concentrated all of his energies on prolonging this moment.

Brian tried not to move, but his head was thrown back, and his mouth open, taking deep raspy breaths. “Justin, just fucking suck me off,” he panted. Justin stopped completely. He crawled back up the bed until he was face to face with Brian. “No talking. Now I have to start all over again” and to Brian's amazement he did, starting again at the neck, when he moved down to his nipple again, completely ignoring his cock Brian couldn’t help himself “you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” Justin moved his head back up to kiss Brian, not at all, and see, now I’ve got to start AGAIN.” he smiled evilly and began again on the taller mans neck. Brian finally got the message, but he wasn’t sure how long he could hold out if Justin was serious. But he was, and it was quite some time later, and at least two other restarts before Brian and Justin both got what they wanted.

Justin crawled back up to lay next to Brian, the taste of him in his mouth, his own come all over Brian's chest. He considered licking it off of him but honestly, he tongue was tired; Brian had taken longer than he expected to learn the lesson, and thus, they really should get a move on if they were going to shower.

“That was so fucking HOT” Brian said  
Justin just smiled, and rolled over to get a better look at Brian, who was as beautiful to him in full lust as he was in sated exhaustion. 

“Well, I learned from the best.”  
Brian laughed, and now, I teach you the art of the deal, C’mon kiddo, we’ve got a car to buy.

Justin groaned. “Today? Couldn’t today be a ‘stay in bed, read the paper, kind of day’?

“When did you start reading the paper?”  
“Do you even get the paper delivered?”  
‘No, so if you want to read the paper, you have to get up”  
Justin pouted  
“Yeah, that pout has always worked with me” Brian threw over his shoulder sarcastically.   
Justin heard the siren call of the shower and padded across the hall to join him.

“So” he said while washing Justin's hair “what kind of car do you want sonny-boy?”  
Justin’s knees almost buckled, he had missed being called that. He took a deep breath and laughed.  
“I don’t know, something practical, that will fit paint and large canvases”  
“A mini van?” Brian had that half smile he used when he was trying not to seem mocking, yet needed to make it clear that he was TOTALLY mocking someone.  
“No, don’t be stupid, I’m not a soccer, mom, I’m an artist. I was thinking a regular van, or a pickup truck, with a cap.”  
“So you’re not a soccer mom but you’re willing to be a lesbian?”  
Justin laughed, “don’t be gross”  
“They finished their shower and moved on to more interesting things to do with soap and naked bodies, and hot water.

When the hot water ran out, Justin kissed Brian and shaking his head of excess water said, “we need a bigger hot water heater”  
“No shit”  
“Well, just make sure we tell the contractor”  
“Absolutely” Brian said while he towel dried the blonde’s hair. It was easy, and comfortable this morning routine, they’d fallen back in the rhythm quickly.

In the kitchen Brian mentioned again that Justin needed clothes that were paint free, and Justin just stuck his tongue out at him and opened the fridge. He took out carton of juice and the eggs, and then stopped dead.

“What?” Brian said, immediately worried, Justin looked upset,   
“Oh shit, I wanted to make you breakfast” there was a tear coming down Justin's cheek, he wiped it, but not quickly enough, Brian saw it  
“Did something happen” he asked quietly, “Are you okay? You can make me breakfast if you want.”  
“We didn’t buy any pots or pans or glasses, or bowls, or silverware, or …”  
Brian didn’t hear the rest of what he was saying, he pulled him close and held the kid who honestly seemed about to cry. As for himself, Brian was trying not to laugh.  
“There will be plenty of time to make me breakfast.”  
“But I wanted this morning to be perfect.”  
“Yeah well, nothings perfect, haven’t you learned that by now”  
“Jesus Brian, do you always have to be such a shit, I was trying to do something nice for you.”  
“And you did, several times already this morning.” He took the carton of eggs from Justin's hand “eggs are not the definition of perfect, in my book”  
Justin leaned back from him, looking into his eyes “you don’t like my eggs?”   
Brian wasn’t sure if he was going to laugh or…no he was going to laugh.  
“I love your eggs, I just don’t NEED you to make me eggs in the morning for it to be a perfectly perfect morning, but the more I think about it, a double headed steam shower with mega capacity hot water heater might do the trick” he kissed the boy, pulling their bodies together. Now, lets go find a bagel or something and buy you a car”

Justin followed him out the door, “okay, but we have to buy pots and pans and stuff today too.”  
Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and then looked up and smiled “if that’s what makes it perfect for you” and with that, they were off.

Once at the auto mall they drove past a couple of dealerships. Trying to decide what they wanted to look at first.  
“I should get something used” Justin said  
“You’re not getting a fucking used car.”  
“Why not, it’s practical, and it can still be reliable, and the inside is just going to get covered with paint anyway, everything I own ends of covered in paint these days.”  
“I noticed, but I don’t want a car someone’s already had sex in. This is our car to christen”  
“I thought it was MY car”  
“It is, but were you planning of christening it with someone else?”  
“No” Justin laughed, I’m just saying, we have like a gazillion rooms in the house, why is it important that the car be.” Brian cut him off  
“Cause you deserve a new car, so we’re getting you a new car, end of this conversation.”  
Justin was touched, but also a bit confused, the old Brian, the Brian who had a tendency to react like an asshole based on emotions no one could possibly understand, sometimes not even Justin, was rearing it’s head. Justin shook his head to clear his thoughts.  
Ooh, pull in there.

Brian looked at him as if he’d just asked for them to make a quick stop at the goodwill for furniture. “Here?”  
“Yeah, Toyotas are reliable”  
“And boring”  
What, should I go buy a jeep like your old one?  
“There was nothing wrong with my jeep”  
“And there’s nothing wrong with the ‘vette, except it seems to be the least fuckable space you own”  
“And a Toyota would be better?”  
Justin leaned in and whispered in Brian's ear, “it’s not for you, it’s for me.”   
Brian shrugged and pulled into the dealership.   
After being schmoozed by a salesman who was trying desperately not to notice that he was selling a car to a couple of fags, they took one for a test drive.  
“What do you think?” Justin asked of Brian  
“I still think it’s boring, but now I can add ugly and uncomfortable too”  
Justin took the first turn the salesman pointed out. “It’s got automatic seat warmers, you’re ass will never be cold”  
“I’ve never been accused of having anything other than a hot ass” Brian replied  
The salesman was turning fourteen shades of red and Brian leaned forward behind the drivers seat and whispered something into Justin's ear. Justin laughed out loud and smiled, they took the car back to the dealership and stared at it.  
“It is really ugly”  
“I already told you that”  
“And expensive for something that ugly”  
“So we move on?”  
“We move on”

They got back in Brian's car and headed down the road a short ways when Justin saw it.   
“THERE!” it’s perfect  
Brian looked at him, hoping to go he was kidding “that is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen”  
“I love it”  
“You would’  
They walked into the dealership and started playing with the inside features.  
“Christ, it’s a fetish car, the entire inside is lined in rubber”  
“That makes it perfect, it’ll be easy to get the paint off the floor and doors, and look, the doors open like it’s a barn door, that’s ideal”  
“Ideally ugly”  
“Brian, you said it was my car”  
“I didn’t know you were going to pick the ugliest car ever produced”  
“Well, we can’t all drive around in little green penises”  
“Fuck you”  
“Later, right now, I have to drive this car”  
The salesman gave them the keys and they took off to test drive the Honda Element.  
“The sound system rocks” Justin pointed out  
“ The floor is made of rubber,” Brian countered  
“The seats lay all the way back”  
“Well, there’s nothing wrong with that”  
“It will serve my purposes perfectly”  
‘Have I mentioned that this is the ugliest car I’ve ever seen”  
“No it isn’t Brian said smiling, this is the blue one”  
”what’s your point?”  
“I’m getting the orange one” Justin smiled, it was his “I win” smile, he rarely got to use it on Brian, it was something he used more often with molly, but the look on Brian's face when he realized that this kid was going to buy and orange box as his new car… it was too much fun for Justin not to revel in it.

Brian made a few quick phone calls while they headed back to the dealership.  
“What are you doing”?  
“Making sure you’re insured so you can buy this fucking ugly piece of shit”  
“Really, you’re gonna let me have it?”  
“Is this the car you want?”  
“It really is Brian”  
“Then you can have it, but you have to park it in the garage. I can’t come home every night and have to look at that thing, I’ll be too nauseated to eat”  
“Right Justin nodded, I’ll park it in the garage, which, ahem, means that you’ll be leaving the ‘vette, outside all winter long?”  
Brain moaned, “anyone ever tell you how aggravating you are”  
“Mostly just you, but I know you don’t mean it”  
“No, I mean it”

The next couple of hours were the most boring Justin had ever spent, Brian seemed to be actually having a good time negotiating for the car, Justin just wanted it, but of course, Brian couldn’t just sign a paper, he had to do a bazillion other paperwork things first, and so when all was finally said and done, the car was insured, and paid for, and the title was transferred and the new tags put on, and they handed the keys to Brian, who handed them right over to Justin.

“It’s your car now” he leaned in and kissed the blonde boy who right now looked more like Gus’s age than his own.

“C’mon, lets go get some lunch” I’ll drive  
Brian looked hesitant “you want me to drive around in that thing?”  
“Yeah, your car will be safe here for a few hours, and we have to get stuff, and there’s more room in here and a thousand logical reasons but mostly, I want to play with my new toy.”

Brian laughed, he was eventually going to have to stop indulging Justin's every whim, but that wasn’t gonna be today, so he climbed in the passenger seat, and as they took off he lit a joint.

He handed it over to Justin, who waved it away “Brian, I’m driving”  
“I know, but we have to do boring shit, lets make it less boring”  
Justin took a hit “fine, but I’m not getting totally stoned with you, we never get anything done when we’re totally stoned”  
“Well, we do each other”  
“That’s not what I meant” Justin took another short toke and Brian took the spliff back and inhaled deeply.  
“Food”  
Justin smiled, and pulled into the mall parking lot.  
“There’s a food court”  
“Is there food there?”  
“Brian you’re totally stoned”  
“I know, that’s why I need food, and why I’m letting you take me to a mall in the suburbs, and why I’m not spanking your for suggesting we eat at the food court”  
“Brian I came here cause there’s a Williams Sonoma, so we can get kitchen stuff, or else all the food we bought yesterday is useless, we can’t even eat the ice cream, we don’t have spoons”  
Brian started to laugh  
“Christ you’re really stoned”  
“I know, get stoned with me”  
“If I get stoned with you…”  
Brian cut him off with a kiss, that was actually a transfer of smoke from his lungs to Justin's.”  
“Do it again”  
Brian did  
And soon they were both so stoned that the in fact did eat at the food court, from several different vendors. And then made their way up to Williams Sonoma, but on the way they passed the Godiva store.   
“I fucking love this shit” Brian practically yelled  
Justin was too busy laughing to even shush him.  
A half hour and about $200.00 later, they left Godivas with a bag in hand, and chocolate on their tongues.  
“You missed a spot,” Brian said, as he leaned in and licked a small amount of chocolate off of Justin's lips. Justin giggled.

When they finally got to Williams Sonoma they had decided that they needed to seem more normal, so they walked in, trying to look very serious. It lasted about five minutes and then Brian held up a Mexican hand painted dish with a large chicken on it  
“Should we go for the big cock pattern?”  
Justin couldn’t stop laughing, so they moved themselves to the back of the store.  
“Brian, this is serious, we’re gonna have to look at these dishes all the time, we should totally pay attention and pick something that we like, and I can’t concentrate if you’re going to continue nibbling on my ear like that.” Brian stopped.

“Okay now I can’t concentrate because you’re not nibbling on my ear and I miss it.”  
Brian rolled his eyes in mock martyrdom, “anything for my little sonny boy” and he pulled him against his chest, and rested his chin on Justin's shoulder and together they studied the place setting options.   
Brian pointed to one   
“You are obviously very stoned” Justin said, and pointed to a contrasting set in vibrant colors  
“Yes, because I’ve always wanted dishes that looked like I bought them at wal-mart”  
Justin sighed, how ‘bout these, they’re pretty classic? “They were white with an intricate but small blue pattern around the edge, the salad plates and coffee mugs that went with them were in that blue.  
“They match your eyes, lets get them”  
“We can’t buy plates because they match my eyes”  
“Why not?”  
“Um, because it’s ‘ridiculously romantic”  
“No, it’s just easier, then when anything else has to match I don’t have to worry about it, cause I can always pick out the color of your eyes”  
Justin looked at him, and realized that he was too stoned to know that what he’d just said was unbearably sweet, so he kissed him, hard.  
“Mmmmm, you taste like chocolate”  
They went on to choose silver ware, and glasses and a set of all-clad cook ware and bake ware, and a juicer, and well, every stupid device that makes people go “why would you need one of these” and then you either make up a reason, or say “maybe the person who buys those is high”

And so when everything was loaded into the back of the car, they were both mellow but no longer actively stoned, and were suddenly laughing because they had just purchased moose shaped pancake shapers, and seriously, how stoned do you have to be to think those are a good idea.

Justin was still happier than he’d ever been.

He dropped Brian off at his car, and headed back towards the house.   
Brian got into his car, lit a cigarette and took a minute to smile before heading back to the house.

Each of them tried not to feel weird not being within arms reach of the other, but it was the first time in 48 hours that they had been apart, and it brought back memories for the both of them.


	5. All Mistakes are Temporary

Brian was driving back to the house, back _home_ and trying not to think. Thinking was bad, thinking lead to ideas, ideas led to sharing the ideas, that led to conversation, conversation led to discussion, discussion led to conclusion and a conclusion could end up being not what you want.

Brian had never liked things that weren’t what he wanted so he was concentrating fiercely on not thinking.

Justin was thinking, he liked thinking. Thinking led to ideas, which lead to new concepts, which led to trying new things, ideas were fun.

They both reached the house within moments of each other, and Brian said nothing when Justin pulled his car into the garage, and Justin said nothing when Brian pulled his car in next to it.

“It’s still ugly”  
“I still love it”  
Brian leaned in to kiss him against the ugly orange box with rubber trim and…Justin's phone rang.

“Hi Deb”  
“Sunshine, your mom told me you were in town”  
“And I am”  
:”Well it’s Friday night, family dinner, and you will be there, I don’t want to hear another word about it”  
“ummm, I’m not sure Deb,” he said, as Brian manipulated the young mans body in ways that made debs rigatoni the very last thing on his mind, “I might have some…” he gasped and tried to wriggle out of Brian's grasp but only succeeded in entangling the two bodies closer together “erm, some stuff to do.” He finished lamely.   
“Bullshit, you have all the time in the world to do stuff, tonight you’re coming to dinner”  
“I’ll try Deb, I really will”  
“You’ll do more than try sunshine, I haven’t seen you in ages, you’re probably skinny as a rail”  
“Deb, I said…”  
“Great, I’ll see you at seven”  
He closed his phone and half moaned at the feel of Brian kissing the skin he’d exposed on his belly by pushing his shirt up, and half groaned at the concept of Deb’s patented Friday night family dinners. He was about to mention it to Brian when Brian's phone rang.  
Brian smiled and answered  
“Hi Deb”  
‘Hey asshole, dinner tonight, no excuses, you haven’t been in weeks, and you’re coming”  
“I may have… stuff to do” he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively at the broadly smiling blonde who was now unbuttoning Brian's shirt and kissing each new piece of exposed flesh.  
“You’ll be there or I’m never serving you coffee at the diner again”  
“Yes, and I’m sure I’d die without those cups of black poison you’ve been serving me for years” he tried not to moan, as he ineffectually tried to remove Justin from his left nipple  
“You would and you know it, so seven o’clock, and don’t be late your majesty”  
“I’ll try Deb” but she’d already hung up.

Justin continued his ministrations but Brian’s head wasn’t in the game. Justin noticed his lack of response and leaned back against his car, “so what’s up?”

“Family dinner, as I’m sure you’ve heard.”  
“Yeah, I’ve kind of missed those”

Deb always made pasta on Fridays and there was a standing invitation to all who were a part of their extended family.

Emmet still living with Debbie was there whenever there wasn’t a party to give. Ted and Blake were pretty reliable, Michael Ben and Hunter were a given and back in the day Mel, Lindz, Gus and JR were pretty regular guests themselves.

Since Vic was gone, even with Carl around, these dinners were more important to Debbie, so most of them made an effort to come at least a couple of times a month.

When Mel and Lindz were still around Brian made more of an effort, he loved seeing Gus, and it was one of the few chances he got to see him without feeling like an intruder in the muncher’s happy home life.

And Justin had enjoyed them in his day, but now that they were … what were they? Back together…trying it again, something, and Brian wasn’t sure he was ready to go public.

“We could get out of it” he exhaled a stream of cigarette smoke as he looked at Justin trying to decided if the kid wanted to go or not.

“We could” Justin agreed, “or… we could go, and just get it over with in one fell swoop, hell, once Deb and Michael know, it will be no time at all until everyone knows and then it’s there, out in the open”

“Is that where we want it? Fuck out in the open, behind closed doors, or well, in a back room or an alley has always seemed to work for us”

Justin took a step forward, taking a drag from Brian's cigarette and scrutinizing his lovers face “what are you so afraid of, we almost got married”

“Yeah,” Brian said ruefully, “almost”  
“But we both decided it wasn’t what we wanted”  
“Sure as hell not what I wanted”  
The words hurt Justin, but he said nothing  
“So why is it so wrong to come out and admit that we’re together again”  
“Because that never works for us”  
“Brian being apart is what has never worked for us, being together…we do that well” with that Justin leaned in to kiss Brian, who turned his head away  
“Being together works for me” he said it quietly, Justin almost didn’t hear him  
“It works for me, but every time you leave me, every time I….”  
Justin waited while Brian seemed to be gathering his thoughts or his courage “every time I push you away, you end up stronger, more successful, better”  
“I want you with me, but you’re going to leave again, and I’m okay with that, I’ll take what I can get from you…yeah, this time it’s me accepting the compromise, but I won’t do it publicly, I won’t walk into the diner to those pitying looks and, Christ, I won’t be treated like a grieving widow again”

Justin had never questioned that he had hurt Brian when he left, but the depths to which Brian felt it, that was new territory for him. And Justin wasn’t planning on leaving again. He started there.

“I’m not going anywhere”  
“You’ve said that before”  
”this time I mean it,” the words sounded empty even to Justin.  
“Brian, I was a kid, a stupid kid, who kept running, looking for something, something that YOU kept convincing me was out there, success, opportunity, “  
“Love” Brian interrupted  
“Yeah, love, but I was dumb, I was pathetic, I was insane, I was blind, I know what love is now, it took me a while, and it took a lot of mistakes but I know what love is now, and it isn’t pretty words, and it isn’t sacrificing, and it isn’t …” Justin took a breath  
“Fucking A Brian, it isn’t anything but YOU, you and ME, US, together, that’s what love is to me, what it’s always been, since that first moment you approached a stupid pretty, and naïve boy under the streetlamp ‘til now, everything we’ve done has been about love, about the fact that you love me, that I love you and that’s the only reason to be together, and the real reason it’s scary. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care, and if you didn’t love me, I couldn’t hurt you, and you wouldn’t be scared, but I do and you are and that’s just something we’re gonna have to get used to because it’s a constant part of our relationship.

You care, and are scared and you hate both of those feelings, and you know what, I don’t care, anymore that you hate loving me, because you may hate it, but you still do it, and that’s all I care about, so go ahead, keep us in the relationship closet, and we won’t tell anyone, and pretend that I’m gonna leave someday if it makes you feel safer, but I’ll tell you something, and I can’t make you believe it, I can only prove it to you every day that you wake up with me drooling on your shoulder, I’m not fucking going anywhere.”

This last part was said in a pure full drama queen hissy pitch. And Justin stormed out of the garage and into the house, or at least thought he had, but he had chosen the wrong door and found himself in a utility closet full of cans of paint and a ladder, and a perfectly appointed pegboard full of tools. He just stood there, fuming, and trying not to cry.

Brian was dumbstruck by what Justin had just said, all of it, but as he was trying to process it he watched the kid stomp off into the closet and realized what had happened. He was trying not to laugh, trying really really hard not to laugh, he put his thumb on his cheek and his fingers over his eyes, covering his face in that patented way that meant he was afraid to look, but the door didn’t re open.

He finally gave up and opened the door, took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Justin's waist, pulling his back towards Brian's still partially exposed chest.

“Well, you really won’t be leaving if you can’t even find your way out of the garage”   
Justin could hear the smirk in his voice  
“Fuck you, you’re the one who bought a house that ‘s too big with too many doors, I never got lost in the loft”  
“Yeah well, that’s what was great about the loft, I could always keep an eye on you”  
“Yeah well, now you’re gonna have to just trust that when I’m in another room I’m not packing”  
“Trust isn’t my strong suit”  
“And you have no reason to trust me”  
“I have one”  
“Is one enough”  
“It’s gonna have to be, isn’t it?”  
Justin shrugged, “up to you”  
“I’m gonna let it be enough, but I need to tell you something, and it’s kinda important”  
Justin turned around in his arms, and looked into his eyes which were dark, and serious  
“This is the absolute last time, if you get some itch, any itch, that you think I can’t scratch, and you don’t talk to me about it, if you just walk out…I will understand, but I will never ever ever accept your trust, your love or your apology again”

Justin looked at him, “so I can get itches scratched so long as I tell you about them?”  
“That’s the deal that’s always worked best for us, but no one comes back to our home, understood?”  
“And you?”  
“I’m not all that itchy these days, but I’m a guy, and I’m not gonna make you a promise that will make me lose you, so lets just say that we’re honest, and careful, and at the end of it all…” Brian took a deep breath; there were still things that were very hard to say   
“I love YOU”  
Justin smiled and kissed him  
“We have to get all that shit into the kitchen now you know, we cant just leave it in the back of the car”.  
Brian groaned  
“And we’re going to dinner at debs” Justin added, if you’re going to trust me, you’re gonna have to trust me in public”  
“I thought you said we could stay in the relationship closet”  
Justin looked around them at the tool shed/utility closet the were standing in an wrinkled his nose “you really want to stay here?”  
Brian laughed “fine, dinner at Debs”  
“Now can we get this stuff unloaded, because I am dealing with an urgent need to fuck you till you see stars.”  
Justin reached inside Brian's jeans and massaged his already erect cock…”the stuff in the car can wait”


	6. All Mistakes are Temporary

TORONTO CANADA

Mel opened the envelope, and called Lindz on the phone. “We got an invite to Brian and Justin's house warming, it’s in three months.”

“Do you think we should go?”

“Gus would love to see his new room”  
“And his dad” Lindsey added  
“Yeah, and his dad”  
“Well, it has been a while since we’ve been down, and Brian has said the house has plenty of guest space, so we won’t have to stay in some hotel. He’s even put a room together for JR”  
“You’ve been talking to him a lot”  
“Mel, stop, you know Brian and I talk, he has a lot of extra time on his hands with Justin working so hard on getting the show together, I think he really misses us”  
“He misses you”  
‘And Gus”  
“He has a funny way of showing it”:  
“Mel, he’s running his own agency, he’s trying to renovate a house which, from all accounts is enormous, and he and Justin are still in that newlywed stage, he can’t exactly drop everything to come up here”  
“Christ it’s cold, is the furnace working”  
“I don’t know honey, I’m at work, why don’t you go check the furnace”  
“Why are you talking to me like I’m five years old.”  
“I’m not”  
“Whatever, so we’ll go”  
“I’ll be home late but make sure you give Gus and JR a big kiss for me”  
:”Yeah of course”  
And they both hung up. Lindsay was excited, she was looking forward to going back and seeing everyone, and she was worried, Melanie had become more and more distant and angry lately. She’d always been angry, it was one of the things Mel did best, but the weird distant thing, that was troublesome.

PITTSBURGH

“Explain it to me again”  
“Brian, we’ve been over this a thousand times”  
Brian and Justin were sitting in the “den” it was the only room in the house other than the studio that was even remotely livable, as everything else was under construction.   
“Look Brian, we’ve got hardwood floors, and this room which looks suspiciously like a loft I used to know” Brian smiled, Justin wasn’t wrong.

Most of the furniture in the den was streamlined and modern, the home theatre system was state of the art and the his computer was living here until the study was done, so they had moved into a huge house, to go back to essentially living in one room while the rest was being deconstructed and reconstructed.

“I understand that this room is…lets just say “loft like” right, but the house is a traditional Tudor, so the whole thing can’t look like one big Ikea showroom. “

“Like I’ve ever fucking bought anything from Ikea.”

“You know what I mean”

Justin was practically sitting on Brian's lap at this point as they both pored over the style samples that the new decorator had left them. It can’t all be white. You know, you have a son, who will be here sometimes, and he’s at that stage where he has sticky fingers”

“Gus has started shoplifting?”

“Actual sticky fingers, the kind with dirt and jam and… I don’t know…kid goo on them”

“Kid goo?”  
:”Brian, seriously you know what I mean”  
“I do, but…I like this one”, Brian held up a design board with varying shades and textures of white.  
“This one looks exactly like the last one, but with a tiny bit of… what is that?”  
“That? it’s actually an ash from my cigarette”  
“So it is EXACTLY the same”  
“Not exactly, this one has more detail in the wainscoting”  
“Brian we’re not pulling down all that beautiful HISTORIC wall paneling to put up some shiny white sculptured wall”  
“We’re not?”  
“I give up, go with this one and remember that I’m not christening any rooms with you that I haven’t approved. Now I have to get back to work”  
“You were supposed to be taking a dinner break.”  
“I did”  
“You didn’t eat”  
“Not hungry, I’ll eat later,” he turned his head and kissed Brian. “Think about the sage and honey combo, I like that one best.  
“Sounds like a lesbian tea flavor”  
Justin kissed him again, “really think about it.”  
Brian smiled, “I’m thinking”  
Justin smiled and headed back off to his studio. Once inside he locked the door and stood pondering the canvass he was currently working on. It was 8:30

He had installed the lock last week, and it wasn’t Brian's favorite thing ever, but the interruptions were counterproductive to his…productivity.

Sure, the great shower and the airy light space, and the fact that he was in here a lot made the room appealing to Brian, but he really needed to work, and Brian was an expert at distracting him. Thus the lock. Brian wanted a key, but that would defeat the purpose and so they’d argued and Justin had won. Justin seemed to be winning a lot of the arguments lately, but that was not something he was going to question, after all, Brian had won his fair share as well.

The Bed, Brian had won the argument about the bed.  
Well, not won so much as made a very very convincing argument that the custom designed headboard wasn’t bizarre or too “modern art” but that’s because you had to know how to work it. It looked like a extraordinarily uncomfortable place to rest one’s back, or head, and in fact, it kind of was, but, each swirl of in the clean light wood, each knob, hook, twist, and turn of the carving on the had a purpose. Basically, there were about five hundred ways to be tied to that headboard…so far they’d only tried about twenty, but both were looking forward to experimenting with the others. And as an added benefit, it looked like art… just so long as your goal wasn’t to sit up and read in bed, it was perfect. 

The master bath was another issue entirely; it was clearly made for far more than grooming. The shower, 14 stream steam jets on either side with dual rain shower heads was made for luxury, and the jetted tub was built for two…or more, and had the one selling point that had made the decision easy for both of them, it had a re-circulating heater, which meant the water never got cold. They’d also added a second high capacity water heater for the shower. Mornings were long and unproductive, and they both preferred it that way.

The bedroom itself, had the bed, and that’s it, they were breaking through to the adjoining room to build two large walk-in closets, but they had yet to pick colors or design styles. Justin knew it would be another struggle to get Brian to go for something that didn’t look exactly like his loft…. he’d already suggested that the bedroom doors be glass… Justin and the designer had sighed and moved on.

The new designer, this was their third, may actually have be making headway, Justin wasn’t sure, but Brian had almost agreed to think about a couple of club chairs that weren’t white or black leather, so he had hopes. He surveyed the canvass again, and began working on the next step of this project. He was working on a five-piece set and this third would be crucial for the transition. He was so completely wrapped up in what he was doing that the next time he looked up it was three in the morning. Exhausted, and at a decent stopping point, he headed up to bed.

 

Brian looked through the boards again, the sage and honey looked like the exact color scheme of Mel and Lindz old house, which made him miss her. He picked up his cell and dialed her number.

“Lindsay.”  
“Brian, it’s great to hear from you.”  
“Yeah, I was just thinking about you…and Gus, and thought I’d call”  
“I’m glad you did”  
“So how are you?”  
“Oh you know, working at this new gallery is a challenge, the owner wants to show more classical pieces but the market is calling for things that are more modern and then he gets upset when sales aren’t where he’d like them to be, so, you know, same old same old”  
“And Gus, is he up?”  
”Would you like to talk to him?”  
“If he’s up”  
“Gus, Gus, it’s your daddy”  
Brian's heart melted just a little tiny bit  
“Daddy”  
“Hey sonny-boy”  
“Daddy, you’ll never guess what happened to me yesterday, I was in the park and me and jenny was playing on the swings and then Sam started to push jenny but I pushed him away cause I protect jenny she’s my sister so Sam said that I was a baby and I pushed him again and he said he could jump higher than me on the swings and I said he couldn’t and so we both started swinging really really high and when I was almost gonna go all the way around I jumped and Sam broke my arm.”

“What?”  
”Sam broke my arm, but the doctor made Sam say he was sorry, and gave me a blue cast with a green stripe and now I don’t have to take a bath for a MONTH”

“Put your mother on the phone”

“Lindz?”  
“Yes Brian”  
“I’m not sure which parts of that story to believe, mind filling me in”  
“Oh the Sam stuff is still imaginary, and Gus likes to play tough…and yeah, we had a scare yesterday but it’s just a hairline fracture, which at his age isn’t that serious, and he’s fine now, and he can’t get it wet for a month, which he has decided means no baths, but I promise to bathe your child Brian”

“Why didn’t you tell me”?  
“There really wasn’t anything to tell, it’s all kind of part and parcel of having a four year old boy…boys do stupid things like jumping really high off the swings.”

“I would have liked to have known”  
“And you do, today, I was going to call you Friday if I didn’t hear from you. Besides, Justin tells me you’re busy gutting the house, Mel and I can’t wait to see it”

“Yeah well, if it’s ever done, you’ll all get to see it, until then, you’ll let me know if he breaks anything else right?”

“Brian I’m sorry I didn’t tell you”  
“It’s okay, not your fault, is his cast really blue with a green stripe?”  
Lindsay laughed, “yeah, it is, but I put the stripe on there for him, he was pretty upset when it first happened, now he’s happily blaming Sam”  
“And you’re telling me we shouldn’t be worried about the imaginary Sam?”  
“No, nor should we worry about Shelby, Sam’s imaginary dog, I promise, it’s all part of normal development”  
“Thank you Lindsay”  
“For what Brian”  
“For being his mom, you’re good at it”  
“Brian, are you okay?”  
“Yeah, I’m great. How’s Mel doing?”  
”She’s aggravated, she spent all that time and energy to become a lawyer, and it’s not really a valuable commodity up here, an American lawyer, so she’s trying to do what she has to in order to practice up here, but you know Mel, everything’s a roadblock, everyone’s out to get her, everyone’s trying to keep her from getting what she wants…she wants it to happen NOW.”  
Brian laughed, “yep, sounds like Mel to me”  
“Brian, Jenny’s got to get a bath, and Gus needs to be in bed, I really have to go”  
“Absolutely, I’ll talk to you later.  
“G’night Brian”  
“G’night Wendy”

Brian hung up and poured himself a double… it was the only limitation he’d set on his drinking, after a rather heated debate with Justin, he would not, on a regular basis, drink straight from the bottle anymore. He wasn’t sure why that was an issue but he shrugged it off. Little things to make Justin happy were easy, the big things, they took time and energy and money and… Christ, he looked at the sage and honey color scheme again, and possibly a blindfold.

He smoked another cigarette and finished up some of the busywork he had left to do for the new chain restaurant account they’d picked up last week. It would be millions in revenue, which was a good thing, the place was as cookie cutter as chains get, and Brian was trying to find a way to differentiate the place, so far, he hadn’t come up with anything. He was pacing and still had nothing at one in the morning when he gave up and went to bed. It looked like Justin would be spending another night in the studio, the kid was getting positively nocturnal, but he was also apparently getting a lot of work done, at least he was if one could judge by the amount of paint on his clothes at the end of a long night painting. 

Brian was asleep when Justin made it up to bed, he dropped his pants and shirt in a pile next to the bed and crawled in, he moved himself closer to Brian and instinctively Brian reached out an arm and drew him against his chest. Justin smiled to himself; he was almost asleep when he realized he was hungry. He debated extricating himself from the bed to get something to eat but realized he’d be up in a few hours and there was plenty of time to eat tomorrow, in the meantime, he was almost done his third canvas of the set, he moved just a smidge closer to Brian, feeling the warmth of his skin against his back and legs, and slept.

When Brian heard the alarm he hit it fast. He had a no idea what time Justin had made it up to bed, but he didn’t want to wake him. It was odd, Justin was a heavy sleeper, slept like the dead, but lately, he woke up at slight sounds. He seemed not to be sleeping much at all, Brian remembered being in his early twenties, when three hours of sleep was enough to get him through an entire day, and late into the next night, he liked at least six, hours these days. So he was careful not to wake Justin if he could help it. 

He got out of bed, glancing back he looked at the sleeping boy… man, “I have got to stop thinking of him as a boy” Brian thought to himself, but laying there, sleeping, his lashes against his pale skin, the dark circles under his eyes from too many nights of painting with no sleep, somehow made him seem younger not older. He headed towards the shower, putting the water on as hot as he could stand it.

He was trying to think of some way to make a crappy uniform chain restaurant seem hip, trendy, fun, sexy or even remotely interesting when he felt the cold draft of the shower door opening, and then the warm feel of Justin's skin against his.

He turned around, soap still in his hair, and leaned his head back to rinse it out while pulling Justin closer to him. He leaned his head forward again and opened his eyes. “Good morning sunshine”  
“mmmmm” was all Justin had to say as he leaned in for a kiss. Justin’s hot mouth was suddenly all over him, and Brian was again reminded of one of the many benefits of being with a horny 23 year old, he was insatiable.

Before he could fully fixate on what Justin was doing, his cock was against the back of the blonde’s throat. He looked down, and marveled. One of the things that always turned him on about Justin was not that he gave great head, although he did, it was how much he genuinely got off on it. Just loved it, Brian could, kiss, stroke, suck, nuzzle and fuck Justin all night long, and little he did turned Justin on as much as when he was allowed to take control with his mouth. His tongue, his lips, the way he used the back of his throat, as another method of caress, the kid was a genius. Brian gave himself over to the feeling, allowing the jet streams of water to spray across his back, as the water from the rainhead soaked the both of them in hot water, and Justin's mouth and hands worked their magic. It wasn’t long before Brian was shooting down Justin's throat, and the Justin was swallowing as if it was all he had been craving. When he finished, Brian was leaning back against the glass wall, and Justin stood up and leaned his entire body against Brian's and kissed him, letting Brian taste himself on Justin's tongue.

Brian was kissing Justin now, preparing to return the favor, in spades, when Justin shook his head, “I’ve got to get back to the studio, I was really just taking a cat nap, but a little high protein breakfast is a great way to start the day”

Brian didn’t believe him, not for a second. Justin had played this game a few times before, but he always eventually gave in to Brian's attentive ministrations. If he thought about it long enough Brian would probably conclude that Justin enjoyed the chase, liked to feel that Brian WANTED to blow him, or rim him, not that it was simple reciprocity. But today was different, Justin slipped out of the shower, pulled on the clothes that he had dropped on the floor the night before, without even drying off, the shirt sticking to his back, and the thin cotton of the cargo pants molding to his perfect ass as he jammed his feet into a pair of sneakers and made his way to the studio.

The worst part for Brian of all the renovations was that it was no longer safe to walk around the house barefoot, and he always had to make sure he was wearing shoes before he left the bedroom, or den. He couldn’t wait ‘til the renovations were completed so that he could forego shoes again.

He finished showering, got dressed and headed down to the den for his laptop and briefcase. Music was already blaring from the studio, and the construction guys were starting to file in to complete the renovations to the upstairs bedroom.

He tried the studio door, it was locked. He swallowed his anger and knocked on the door…no answer. He knocked again, and Justin came to the door, a paint smudge already on his cheek. Brian laughed,   
“Muse hit hard today?”  
“Came to me in my sleep”  
”mmm, what else came to you in your sleep”?  
Justin gave a sly grin, “lots of things, but this idea is too brilliant to ignore”  
“Don’t work to hard”  
“Never”  
“See you tonight?”  
“Where else would I be?”  
Brian leaned in to kiss Justin, who kissed him back, but carefully so as not to ruin his suit with paint.

“Tomorrow, we’re getting you some clothes that aren’t covered in paint”  
“Why?”  
“Cause I’d like to take you out to dinner without your looking like a homeless starving artist with no taste”  
Justin stuck out his tongue at Brian.  
Brian leaned in and licked the pink appendage and smiled “see you tonight”  
And he was off to figure out how to make just another chain look like someplace someone might want to go to eat.


	7. All Mistakes are Temporary

Brian came home to find catalogs strewn across the coffee table. Post it notes marked a few pages. He went upstairs and quickly changed into jeans and a black t-shirt and made his way downstairs to find out what it was Justin thought they should buy now.

When he looked more closely at the catalogs he laughed. They were for clothes, Justin was telling him, in his own passive aggressive way, that he was NOT going clothes shopping. Brian knocked on the studio door.

When Justin opened it he looked tired, he was covered in paint, and the entire room smelled like chemicals sweat and stale cigarettes. Brian wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Justin looking so fucking cute.

He kissed him lightly on the nose, and then held up the catalogs with a menacing look in his eye. “We’re going shopping, I’m not ordering your clothes through the fucking mail.”  
“Why not, look, they’ve got everything I need in the lands end catalog”  
“Lands end, I thought I raised you better than that”  
“Brian, everything I own ends up covered in paint, or in a heap on the floor, I’m pretty sure your head would explode if I did that to things with labels like, Armani, or Prada, or…” he exhaled slowly as he leaned in closer to Brian as if these words were the most erotic ever, “Dolce and Gabana”   
Brian leaned in, breathing in the air Justin was exhaling, I’ll fucking kill you if you get paint on your new Prada shoes, but it doesn’t mean I’m not buying you a pair.

Justin was almost finished with the third canvas, he kissed Brian more deeply and said, “fine, you’re the sugar daddy, you win, as soon as this canvas is done, I’ll let you dress me up like a little toy”  
Brian wanted to balk at the image, but in truth, he found it sexy so he just smiled. “Time for a dinner break?”

Justin frowned, “not right now, I’ve got to keep working, grab something without me, I’ll try not to make it too late a night”  
“I owe you something for this morning, Brian whispered, biting at Justin's earlobe in a way that made Justin all too aware of what he meant”  
“And I plan on collecting. I just need to get a little more done before this layer dries.”  
Brian shrugged, your loss if you don’t make it up to bed in time”  
“Trust me, I don’t plan on losing anything, except maybe this hard on” and with that he moved Brian's hand lower so that he could feel how much the mere thought of him, just his presence so close, affected him”  
Brian smiled, and backed away from the studio door, he popped in a movie and turned on his computer.

It was a full 24 hours before Justin emerged from his studio. He was tired, exhausted actually. He had showered to avoid dragging paint through the house and was wearing only a robe when he tiptoed past the den to the bedroom, it was only 7 pm and he knew Brian was working, he’d heard him come home, he was vaguely aware that Brian had stopped to say good morning to him about 12 hours ago, but he had been so involved in what he was doing he had barely noticed.

“STOP.” He heard Brian's command. He turned around and smiled, his wet hair still spiky and uncombed. 

“Hi”  
“What’s up?”  
“Nothing, just hit a good stopping place, thought I’d take a nap”  
“mmm hmm, how bout some dinner first”  
“Brian I’m too tired to cook anything”  
“I figured, I brought home a pizza”  
Justin was torn, pizza vs. sleep…they both sounded too good to pass up  
“I’ll reheat it when I wake up, I swear Brian, I’m about to fall over”  
Brian looked at Justin and realized he wasn’t exaggerating, the circles beneath his eyes were darker, and deeper, and suddenly he saw him sway on his feet.   
“Jesus Justin, have you eaten anything today?”  
“sure, I had a high protein breakfast”  
Brian looked at him oddly, “that was yesterday”  
“was it? Wow, I really lost track of time”  
Justin was trying to back away, he honestly felt like he was about to fall over, he needed to rest, but he was dying to finish the work he was doing  
Brian approached him slowly, trying not to be worried, hell, at Justin's age, a couple of sleepless nights were harmless, he was working hard to convince himself of this when Justin's knees buckled

Brian moved fast and cat like, catching him before he hit the floor, “Justin, …Hey, Justin” more panicked now “Justin!”  
Justin looked up, Brian's face was directly above his, his hazel eyes dark with…what, worry? Anger? Something”  
He reached up and ran a hand through Brian's hair “told you I was tired”  
“you’re more than tired, you’re worn out”  
Justin tried to wriggle out of Brian's embrace, “that’s why I’m going to bed, I just need some sleep”  
“and some food” Brian added  
“yeah, when I wake up, I’ll eat, I promise” and with that he kissed Brian's nose and turned to walk away. Brian pulled him back by the sleeve of his robe, and lifted him up “why don’t you just let me put you to bed”  
“this is silly” Justin said, settling his head against Brian's shoulder and wrapping his arms around his neck”  
“so I’m silly, I’ve been called worse”

Brian tucked Justin in the same way he would with Gus, well, maybe not EXACTLY the same, but with care, and a tenderness Brian rarely showed in the bedroom, and Justin was asleep almost before his head hit the pillow.  
Brian piled enough pillows against the headboard to make it less annoying to lean against and just sat, watching Justin sleep, and trying to recreate the timeline of the past couple of weeks. When was the last time he’d seen Justin sleep for more than a couple of hours at a clip, or eat really anything at all.

When he was sure Justin was dead to the world he crept out of bed and down to the studio, as he had hoped, Justin had been to tired to remember to lock it.

The place was a mess, but he had figured that, it was littered with full ashtrays, “Christ the kid smokes more than I do these days” he thought to himself. The rest of the debris was from paint, brushes, paint thinner, about a hundred empty water bottles but no food wrappers, no half eaten sandwiches, no plates, nothing to imply that he ever ate in here at all. Brian stood back and looked at the canvas prominently displayed on the easel, it took his breath away.

It could be considered abstract, if you didn’t know what it was, but the pattern was all to familiar to Brian, each deep wrinkle, each brownish red blotch, it was a ten foot replica of that fucking scarf. There was silk, painted painstakingly, the texture and pattern seeming to come off the canvas in 3 D and the fringe, dirty, with… Brian moved closer, a bloody fingerprint, HIS bloody fingerprint, pale but there. This is what Justin was working on? This is what Justin has been practically possessed by? He wasn’t sure if it was a healthy purging of a bad memory, or a sick obsession, all he knew was that as ugly as the memory was, as ugly as the actual object was, Justin had made it a powerful piece of art that some may never understand it to be anything other than an abstract expression of texture and movement.

He backed out of the studio slowly and locked the door behind him.

Justin woke up three hours later and climbed out of bed.   
“what the fuck are you doing?”  
“I got some sleep, I’m going back to work”  
“you said you’d eat something”  
“I will, but not ‘til I”  
“you will, now”  
“Brian, I’m not hungry”  
“bullshit, I’ve never known you not to be hungry”  
Justin's stomach tensed, his whole body tensed, he needed to be back in the studio, he knew he was being obsessive, recognized it, but couldn’t help it, he was drawn to finishing this, if he could finish this then… what? He didn’t know what came next he just knew it had to be finished.  
“I just need to finish this” he said it out loud but in almost a whisper  
“who’s stopping you?”  
“you are”  
“no, I’m stopping you from making yourself sick, ending up in the hospital, not from finishing your work. I promise, it will be there in the morning, but until then, you’re not leaving this bed”  
“fuck you” Justin half laughed with a smile on his face, you can’t keep me here.  
Brian raised his eyebrows and glanced at their headboard, “I’ll tie you to the bed if I need to, but you’re going to get some sleep”  
Justin looked at Brian, he wasn’t kidding, and he was only half flirting, mostly he was demanding.   
Justin tried again, heading towards the bedroom door, “Brian, I’ll sleep, and I’ll eat, I promise, I just need to…”

Brian was in front of him blocking the door before he knew it “finish this canvas?” Brian finished the sentence for him.

“I thought you hated it when couples finish each others sentences.”  
“you know what I hate more?”  
“what?” Justin smiled and wrinkled his nose, trying all of his best tricks to get Brian to give in.  
“taking care of a sick kid, so why don’t you just be a good little boy and lay back down in bed.” Brian's tone was mocking, but his eyes were serious and his body language said that he was clearly not in a teasing mood.

Justin weighed his options. He could fight, then he’d never get to the studio, Brian let him win some fights, but only the ones he was willing to, and Justin knew Brian well enough to know that in the end, he’d never win a power struggle with the older man. The pretty blonde sighed. “fine, I’ll go back to bed, but…”

“uh uh, no negotiating, you’re going back to bed.”  
Justin took off his pants and crawled back into bed.  
“Do you want me to reheat some of that pizza for you? Brian asked  
“Really not hungry” Justin said, and Brian lay back in bed as well. Justin curled up around him, using him like a body pillow and resting his head on Brian's shoulder.   
“you know this means you’re gonna wake up with drool on your shoulder again” Justin said.  
Brian smiled, “I’m looking forward to it.”

Justin smiled too, and was soon back asleep, trying not to let his mind race about what he had left to finish in the studio. 

Brian sighed and lit a cigarette, smoking and thinking while the younger man curled around him further, he wasn’t sure how worried he should be, but in the small hours of the morning, he allowed himself to worry deeply, about Justin, about Gus and his arm, about Lindsay and how she didn’t sound okay lately, and about this stupid new account and why he couldn’t come up with a sexy way to sell a chain restaurant. He finally started to doze around two am. At three he felt Justin stir, and then felt more than saw him slowly extricate himself from Brian and sneak out of bed. Brian opened his eyes and simply stated “Back. In. Bed. Now.”

Justin knew that tone and sighed his plan hadn’t worked; he crawled back in bed and was asleep within minutes. When Brian was sure he was really asleep he let himself sleep again, a plan formulating.

When Brian awoke again at seven am, Justin was still sleeping. Brian breathed a deep sigh of relief that the obsessed little artist hadn’t snuck back down to the studio again. He made a decision and throwing on a pair of jeans and shoes grabbed his phone and made a few calls. 

By the time her returned to the bedroom Justin was in the shower, and Brian smiled. He quickly lost the shoes and jeans and went to join him. Justin turned around and smiled. “I’m sorry about last night”  
“don’t be sorry, just start taking care of yourself sunshine, you’re no good to me dead.”  
“Brian, it was hardly a near death experience, he said as he massaged Brian's scalp while shampooing his hair.”  
“yeah, I guess not” Brian said, lets just say we all have our drama queen moments and forget about it.  
“deal” Justin said as he leaned in and kissed Brian. “Now, if I recall, you owe me something” Brian smiled, a wicked grin and pushed the boy against the glass, kissing the spot between Justin's shoulder blades that made chills run down his entire body. “his fucking shoulder blades” Brian thought, “who has an erogenous zone between their shoulder blades?” Justin did, and he moaned as he felt Brian's hot wet mouth move lower. Brian's hands were moving up Justin’s thighs and his mouth was moving lower down his back, it was as if Brian's entire body was closing in on Justin's dick and Justin was having trouble thinking about anything, and so he stopped thinking.

Brian loved the taste of Justin, clean, but spicy, the kid was honestly like a drug to him, he could never get enough, he stopped his movements as his hands lightly grazed Justin's hard and practically weeping dick, and then moved lower again so his hands were flat against the top of his thighs, so close to where Justin wanted them to be, and yet, so far, he continued his decent until he hit the small of Justin's back, and then stopped there, kissing and nuzzling the small spot until Justin was moaning, practically begging “Brian” it was almost a whine. Brian waited a moment and then moved his mouth lower, running his tongue gently along the crack of that perfect ass. Justin pushed back, trying to get more, but Brian wouldn’t let him. He tried to spread his legs wider but with Brian's hands still firmly on his thighs there was nothing for it. All he could do was let the sensations wash over him, just like the hot water was. Finally Brian moved his hands to pull apart Justin's beautiful ass cheeks, his tongue flicking at Justin's puckered hole, Justin moaned again as water ran down his back and Brian's hot mouth mixed with the feel of the hot water became almost more than he could bear.

Then Brian's tongue was inside him, flitting in and out, and Justin concentrating on holding still, he wanted to push back, to impale himself on Brian's tongue, but he knew from experience that if he moved to much Brian, in an expert effort to prolong the exquisite pain of sitting on the precipice of orgasm would stop. So he held still, as Brian took full advantage of Justin's compliance.

When Justin was sure he could take no more, he moaned Brian's name, and Brian, hearing it, pulled back a little and turned Justin around. Justin's hands were flat against the glass of the shower wall, his face turned to the side. The hot water was now falling directly on his throbbing cock, and Brian slid his tongue out and applied a small amount of pressure to his slit, licking the precum and hot water from it. Justin was beyond thought now. He was begging. “Brian PLEASE” Brian looked up at him. “please what? What do you want me to do?”  
“suck me, Fuck me, I don’t care just please let me come” Brian laughed, pleased that he had cleared the kids head for a few moments, pleased that Justin was still so sensitive to his touch, pleased that Justin was his. 

He took Justin into his mouth, slowly, agonizingly slowly. Justin tried to thrust forward but Brian put his hand flat against Justin's belly in warning, and Justin restrained himself. Brian's tongue swirled around the head of Justin's engorged member, hitting the sensitive spot just below the head, and then as he took him fully in his mouth he let his tongue trace the vein that ran down the bottom of his beautiful cock. He opened his throat, and removed his hand from Justin's belly, giving him the permission he was looking for Justin began fucking Brian's mouth. Brian loved to feel the passion, the need, and as he grazed his hand against Justin's balls, he felt Justin shoot into his throat, and he swallowed. He continued to hold Justin in his mouth, as Justin's breathing slowly returned to normal. Brian finally stood up, kissing Justin, just as Justin had done to him a few days ago, letting him taste himself on his lovers tongue.

Justin leaned his head against Brian. “you know…we never get clean the first time we shower in the mornings” Brian laughed  
“yeah, but we get off, and that’s far more important”  
this time Justin laughed, and the two of them actually went about the business of showering for the sake of cleanliness.

When they both emerged, dry and clean Justin went to put on a pair of paint-splattered pants, and Brian just shook his head.   
“not today sunshine, today we’re going shopping”  
“Brian, you said if I slept I could work more in the studio”  
“and you can, but first, we need to outfit you in a manner that suits the lord of the manor”  
“I thought you were the lord of the manor”  
“yeah well, then you’re the prince, whatever, no one even remotely connected with the manor can dress like a chimney sweep all the time, c’mon”  
“where are we going?”  
“I told you… shopping”  
“then why the duffle bag?”  
Brian smiled, “it’s a surprise”

And with that, he threw Justin a pair of khaki pants that weren’t to paint encrusted and leant him one of his very own shirts, “you’ll see soon enough”

They had been driving for almost twenty minutes when Justin started to wonder where they were going.  
We’re going to the nearest place to find the most fabulous clothes ever.  
It’s seeming kind of far.  
“we’ll be there in not time sunshine”  
“this is taking forever, which is why I said we should order anything I need.”  
“we are not buying you an entire wardrobe of the worlds ugliest clothes from Land’s end”  
“so where are we going?”  
Brian gave him a patented grin and said “straight to hell, but first, we’re going to heaven”  
“you’re a dork”  
“no, but I’m dating one”  
“does he have a hotter ass than I do?”  
Brian just looked at him, “no one has a hotter ass that you do, except maybe me”  
“well that is true” Justin nodded sagely  
“you know” Brian said, we need a word  
“erm, have you seen the dictionary, there’s tons of them in there”  
“no, a word for us, what we are, cause we keep dancing around the stupid words that breeders, and quasi breeder wannabes have coined…I mean think about our options,”  
“Partner” Justin said   
“only if we’re in business together”  
“Loverrrrsss” Justin drew the word out showing his distaste for the term  
“that’s just nobody’s business but ours”  
“spousal equivalent?” Justin said  
“right, like we’re trying but we’ll never be real, I think not”  
“husband” Brian just looked at him, getting married will NEVER work for us. Justin nodded his agreement. There was a time when he would have been hurt by those words but he knew them to be true now, and that meant that every moment they were together was because of love, and desire, and caring and not a legal obligation. He considered other options to define their relationship.  
“special friend” Brian and Justin rolled their eyes in unison.

How about “us?”  
Brian looked at him…what?  
we are “We. We are we” as far as our relationship, fuck it, people ask ‘who’s that’ I’ll say ‘that’s Brian’ that’s all they need to know”

And when they ask “is he your boyfriend?”   
“I’ll smile and let them wonder”  
“so you don’t think we need so possessive relationship description”  
Justin sighed, he so very much wanted to be back in the studio, not having this conversation. Brian, it’s never worked, trying to use conventional terms of any kind to define our relationship to others, and once we try, we end up feeling defined and claustrophobic, or not close enough and it’s bullshit.

Brian, let me ask you a question, Brian grunted in acknowledgement  
“do you give a fuck what anyone else thinks about us being together?”  
“no, you know I don’t”  
so fine, we’re us, you’re Brian, I’m Justin and leave it at that. I’m tired of trying to be anything other than what we are, two people who love each other more than either is willing to admit.”  
Brian looked at him, “you think I love you that much”  
“I know you do” Justin was wearing his teasing smile, it was his safest bet when he got this close to the truth of their relationship. Keeping it light was the key, he knew that now.

“so we’re Us, we’re We, and if anyone asks if I have a boyfriend I say, no, but I have a Justin”

Justin laughed, “works for me” 

Excellent, I’m so glad that’s decided, and look we’re here.”

“we’re at the airport”  
“wow, that college education really paid off”  
“why are we at the airport?”  
Brian grabbed their bag, locked his car and they headed to the gate, his e-tickets had been arranged by Cynthia, so had the hotel room. It was time Justin learned the glory that was Barney’s in New York.

Justin looked at him oddly, “we’re going to New York for clothes?”  
Brian leaned in and kissed Justin, ignoring the few odd looks from other passengers. “next stop, Barney’s”  
Justin said nothing and got on the plane.


	8. All Mistakes are Temporary

“Do you know what the problem is with these little tiny bottles?” Brian asked  
“That they’re too small”  
“That is exactly right sonny boy, they are too fucking small, and so you have to drink many many many of them to be as drunk as if you just had one big bottle”  
Justin nodded at Brian, humoring him, he’d been drinking little tiny bottles of Jim beam for about a half hour, and the plane was landing in just 15 minutes, Brian was very drunk.

“Well” Justin said, “it’s a good thing they provided you with so many bottles then, because you got to drink many many many of them”  
“That’s because I hate flying.”  
“You do?”  
”Of course I do, we’re up in the air, we could crash and die and I don’t think I’d be as pretty if I were all broken into a hundred pieces and on fire”  
“You’d be on fire too?”  
”Well sure, that’s why it’s called crash and burn”  
“Aaaah, I see, so you’d be in a hundred flaming pieces, and you think this will make you less attractive to people”  
“Yes, yes I do. Would you still love me if I were in a hundred pieces and on fire?”  
”Brian, don’t even talk like that, the plane isn’t going to crash, we’re almost in New York”  
“I know, and we’re going to have a wonderful time, as long as I’m not in a hundred pieces of fire.”  
“Brian?”  
”Yes Justin?”  
”Did you take something before we got on the plane and drank those many many many small bottles?”  
“Just a small amount of something so that I wouldn’t have to think about hundreds of pieces of me being on fire”  
“What did you take Brian?”  
“It had letters in it”  
“A lot of letters or a few letters?”  
Justin was trying to narrow it down, He wasn’t particularly worried, but he also wasn’t in his element not knowing where they were going once in the city, or what Brian had planned, but it was kind of nice to know that even the indomitable spirit of Brian Kinney could be endangered at the mere thought of flying. He wondered idly if Brian’s fear of flying had anything to do with him never coming to see him in L.A.   
“It had some letters” Brian finally replied  
Okay, they’d ruled out E, and K, so the odds were either GHB or an actual drug with an actual name.  
“Did the letters spell anything Brian?”  
“They spelled something long, but it’s okay, because I didn’t need to say it too many times in order to get it”

Justin heard the captain come over the intercom and announce that they would be descending in five minutes and be at La Guardia in 15 Minutes. He sat back and pinched the bridge of his nose in a very Brian like manner, Brian was tweaked out, and he had no idea where they were headed other than Barney’s and he wasn’t taking Brian to Barney’s or anywhere else in this condition. 

“Shit, pull it together Kinney.”  
Great, now Brian was talking to himself, but it seemed to work. He sat up a little straighter, and held Justin's hand. Justin was pretty sure it was going to be okay until Brian lifted Justin's hand to his lips and lightly kissed it   
“Fuck” Justin thought, he’s really wasted.

It took some maneuvering, Brian leaning a little heavier on Justin than he would have liked, but they made it off the plane.

“Thank you for not crashing and turning me into a hundred pieces of flaming me.” Brian said to the flight attendant as they disembarked, Justin shook his head and gave her an apologetic glance. She smiled.

Once they got to exit Justin pulled Brian's phone out of his pocket, not as easy as it sounded as Brian kept swiveling around so that Justin was fishing for more than just a phone.

He got the phone out but Brian saw something that appealed to him, grabbed Justin by the shirt and pulled him towards it. 

Justin had their travel bag over his shoulder and was just trying to keep up when he saw where Brian was headed.

“Brian, this is a bad idea”  
Brian said nothing, he was walking resolutely Justin's shirt twisted around his hand, forcing him to follow.

He continued pulling him until they were safely ensconced in a bathroom stall in the men’s room.

Brian was pushing him against the wall, kissing him hard his tongue searching for something. Justin gave up, and kissed Brian back.

As soon as Justin responded Brian turned him around, pulling Justin's pants down, kissing his neck, holding the blonde boys hands above his head with one hand. He pulled a condom out of his pocket with the other.

The moves were practiced and automatic, and still made Justin so hot, even if Brian was probably unaware of WHO he was fucking at this very moment, he never lost consciousness of HOW he was fucking, and his technique was impeccable, moving slowly at first, and then faster and harder, his hand jerking Justin off as he fucked him. All too soon, Justin shot against the stall wall and Brian feeling Justin's ass squeezing around him, came quickly after. He then stood up straight, and turned Justin around, straightening his shirt and pants. Kissing him hard, and ushering him quickly out of the stall. 

“I’ll be right there” he said, “I just need to throw up.”  
“How very romantic” Justin replied, as he continued straightened his clothing.

When Brian finished, Justin handed him a bottle of water he’d taken from the plane. Brian drank some, swished some in his mouth and spit it out, and then leaned over and kissed Justin.

“You back with me?” Justin asked  
“Of course sonny boy, I just hate flying”  
“Is this what you do every time you get off a plane?”  
Brian thought about it for a minute, “pretty much, yeah” he smiled  
Justin shook his head, “Whatever it takes. So where are we going?”

“You have my phone.”  
“What does that have to do with where we’re going?”  
“Cynthia left a message with all the information, I don’t know where we’re going unless I have my phone…hey, Why do you have my phone?”

Justin looked sheepish, “because I was going to call Cynthia and ask HER where we were going since you didn’t seem able to tell me.”

Brian laughed, “See, I’m perfectly able to tell you, as long as I have my phone.”

Brian took his phone from Justin and they headed towards the cab line. Brian was still a little unsteady on his feet, but had come down for the most part. He hailed a cab and rattled off and address.

“Is that where Barney’s is?” Justin asked  
“No, it’s where the hotel is” Brian responded as he leaned over and began to kiss Justin's ear and neck. Justin leaned his head back, enjoying the sensation until he suddenly fully processed the information.

“HOTEL?”  
”Did you think I was going to make you sleep on the streets of this big cold city?”  
“I thought you were going to make me buy some clothes and then take me home.” Justin was trying to calm down, not to be too upset but he wasn’t ready for a night away from the house, he wanted to be back in the studio, working, not wasting time in New York, he’d wasted enough time in New York in his life.

“Justin relax, you’ve been obsessing over your work for weeks, you deserve a couple days R & R”

“Brian, I don’t WANT to rest, or relax, I want to finish…”  
“That fucking canvass, I know, it’s all you ever say these days, well guess what, for two days…”

Justin's eyes got wider and he opened his mouth to say something but Brian interrupted him.

“For two days, you will do nothing but relax in a great big bed, in a great big hotel, with your great big…Brian.”

Brian looked into his eyes, it wasn’t anger, he was seeing there, it was fear, why was Justin afraid to be away for two days, in a hotel, with him. Which part of that made him scared, or was it all of it? Brian was determined however to pamper Justin for a couple of days, weather he liked it or not. Justin would laze about in bed, eating, and sleeping, and fucking and NOT driving himself to the point of exhaustion working on a painting of that fucking scarf. 

Justin smiled, although Brian noticed that it wasn’t his normal 1000 megawatt version, but it would do for now.

Justin tried to smile, tried to seem okay with it, he should be thrilled, he knew he should be thrilled, New York WITH Brian, which was the way he’d always wanted to be in New York. Being swept off on a romantic weekend was the kind of stuff that he used to dream about doing with Brian, and now that he was here, his ass still sore and mouth still bruised from the airport men’s room, Brian sitting next to him all he could think about was their bed at home, the studio, the paintings he had yet to finish. He was anxious, scared, nervous, fucking terrified, and he had no idea why.

He breathed deep the way they’d tried to teach him when he was first recovering from the bashing and would wake up with nightmares, or have sudden panic attacks, but those made sense. This one didn’t. He leaned his head on Brian’s shoulder. Brian threw his arm around Justin and pulled him close and Justin thought to himself “maybe it will be okay”

Brian paid the cab driver, and dealt with the hotel check in, all the while Justin simply clung to Brian's hand and tried to remember to breathe.

Brian kept glancing over at Justin; the kid had a death grip on his hand, and seemed to be physically attached to his arm. He hadn’t seen him act like this since those first few weeks after he’d gotten out of the hospital, when just walking down the street was an exercise in bravery. Brian was confused, had something happened in New York that Justin hadn’t told him about.

He felt the bile rising and tried to get the thought out of his head. “If something had happened, if someone had hurt him, he’d have told me” Brian told himself. We’ve been honest with each other since we got back. 

He looked at Justin. “Do you want me to find a different hotel?”  
Justin looked at him blankly “what? No. Why?”  
“Never mind” Brian said and took the two key cards from the guy at the front desk. 

“Top floor” Justin said, “swanky”

“Only the best”  
“Of course”

Brian opened the door to the room, Justin seemed a little more relaxed, and even more so once he’d shut the door behind them.

Suddenly Justin was all over him. “Brian, thank you, this place is beautiful.”  
“How many times do I have to tell you I’d do anything for you?”  
Justin wrinkled his nose and looked at him thoughtfully, “at least a half a dozen more”  
Brian laughed and backed the playful blonde onto the bed; leaning over him he started kissing his neck.

It was several hours later before either one of them was able to concentrate on anything but bare flesh and extraordinary sensations.

They were in their favorite post coital position Brian on his back; Justin curled against him, head on his chest. It calmed Justin to hear Brian's steady heartbeat in his ear; it was one of the things he missed most when Brian wasn’t around.

Brian reached out to the folder on the nightstand “room service?  
“Mmmmmm” Justin moaned, food.  
Brian let out a deep breath, he hadn’t heard Justin actually express an interest in food in so long, but he had been right, all he needed was some rest and a change of scenery.

They ordered and lay back down, both too exhausted to do much more than brush a hand idly through the others hair, or make lazy circles against the bare skin of the others shoulder. It was a companionable, comfortable silence, which lead to a companionable comfortable light doze.

They awoke when the food arrived, Brian signed for it, and they sat and ate in bed. Brian watched Justin, trying not to make an issue of it, but he was soon relieved. No food issues, the kid was back to eating everything in sight. He finished his steak, and fries, and then went to work on Brian's shrimp. 

It was only five pm when they were finished dinner, and they discussed the concept of going out, and realized that the discussion was more effort than was ready to give let alone actually dressing and leaving. And so they lay back, all appetites sated, and the lazy doze became REM sleep for them both.

It was hours later that Justin awoke in a panic, sitting bolt upright, he thought he might be having a heart attack. He was sweating and couldn’t seem to catch his breath. He got up and made it to the bathroom just in time to revisit everything he’d eaten for dinner. He took a moment, splashing his face with cold water and then returned to bed, sliding in quietly.

Brian felt him leave the bed, and heard the sounds of him losing his dinner; he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When Justin returned to bed, he pulled him close again, feeling the cold clamminess of his skin. Justin pulled away, “Brian, I’m not feeling to well, give me a minute okay?”  
“Sure, you alright?”  
“Yeah, just bad shrimp or something”  
“I had the shrimp I’m fine”  
“I’ll be okay”  
Brian put his hand flat against Justin's back, the kid was breathing fast and his heart was racing, he pulled him back towards him again, wanting to hold him, to comfort him.  
“Justin, you’re heart’s going faster than the back beat at Babylon, what’s wrong?”  
“Nothing, just a little night terror, I guess, my body isn’t used to this much food and this much rest these days” Justin tried to smile, to make it sound light.  
“Well, we’ll have to work on that, you should always be used to the good life”  
“ Ugh,” Justin groaned, “that is so corny”  
Brian smiled “you’re right, I’m sorry, we’ll continue the haunted starving artist routine for as long as you’d like, but once in a while, can we come back and visit the corny world with room service and great big soft beds?”

“Sure” Justin replied, glad this wasn’t going to become a big drama thing. “I’m just really tired, maybe I did work myself a little too hard”  
“Shhhh, go to sleep sonny-boy” Brian soothed as he stroked Justin's hair. 

Brian awoke to the sun and the unmistakable sound of New York coming up from 11 stories down. It’s odd how no amount of soundproofing can block that noise he thought randomly. He got up and glanced over at Justin, who was still sound asleep, he closed the blinds and returned to bed.

Justin made a soft groan in his sleep and rolled over, Brian had returned Just in time as the blond found his favorite spot to drool and planted his head, his arm casually thrown across Brian's chest, leg now entangled with Brian's. Brian lay back and closed his eyes, it was only six in the morning, they had plenty of time.

By ten Justin was awake, stretching and looking slightly apologetic for the drool on Brian's shoulder. 

“Good morning”  
“Is it morning?” Justin asked  
“Yes it is, you slept for a long time”  
“Christ I was exhausted”  
“Which is what I was trying to tell you”  
“Okay, you’re dying for it, so here it is. You, Brian Aiden Kinney, Were Right.”  
Brian smiled, “if you would just accept that from the start, things would be much easier”  
“You’re not always right you know” Justin said  
“Don’t ruin this moment”  
Justin just smiled, you know, there’s a Jacuzzi in there, his head nodding towards the bathroom.  
“Really?” Brian's cocked and eyebrow  
“Really” Justin said, nodding knowingly  
“Well, we’ll just have to forgo our morning shower I suppose.  
Justin pretended to pout  
“Don’t worry sunshine, I’m sure we’ll find SOMETHING to do in that big ole’ tub”  
Justin laughed, and they both headed into the bathroom, it was noon before they actually got out of the hotel.

They stopped and got a couple of bagels and Brian hailed a cab and instructed the driver to take them to Barney’s.

“So what’s so great about this place anyway?” Justin asked  
“You’ll see”  
Justin made a face; “you know I hate clothes shopping.”

Brian dropped his head in his hands in despair, “and you said you were working on being the best homosexual you could be.”  
“I am, but I don’t see the point in spending so much time shopping, and thinking about shopping”  
Brian just shook his head, “well, I’ll have to teach you, and here I thought I’d already taught you everything you needed to know”  
Justin blushed and Brian bit his earlobe, and then whispered, “Besides, have you ever been blown in the leather department, everything smelling like fine leather and expensive shoes?”  
Justin laughed out loud “oh my god, I never knew you and Emmett had so much in common”  
“Take that back” Brian said, his eyes dark, but his smile gave him away  
“No, I think this could work, you and Emmett will be a beautiful couple, you’re both so…tall”  
Brian found the sweet spot on Justin's ribs, the spot that was so ticklish he avoided it on the occasions when girlish screams and giggles weren’t what he was going for. Today, he showed no mercy “Take it back.”   
“Brian stop.” Justin squealed, giggling uncontrollably.  
“Take it back.”  
“Okay, okay,” he said, breathing hard and wiping the tears from his eyes “you and Emmett would not make a perfect couple… he’s far to butch for you.”  
And with that Brian attacked him fully, laying him out in the back of the cab and pressing his body against Justin's, tickling his ribs and feeling him writhe beneath him.  
He leaned down to kiss the boy and Justin leaned up to kiss him back, when Brian lifted his head he whispered “so who’s too butch for whom?”

Justin kissed him again, “you’re very butch, almost as butch as Melanie.”   
Brian laughed, and sat up, just as the cab came to a halt in front of Barney’s. 

They were greeted by Alfonse, a pretentious and tiny man, who while annoying and snobbish, also had impeccable taste and had been helping Brian for years, especially when new items came in that Brian wouldn’t have the time to get to see, he often trusted Alfonse just to ship him the cream of the new line. Alfonse was Brian’s secret weapon in his ability to always look amazing.

“Mr. Kinney, this is the friend you’re helping?”  
“Yeah, this is Justin, he looks like shit, we need to fix that.” Although Alfonse always stayed formal and supercilious, Brian never understood the need as a customer to remain the same.

“Brian” Justin said, “I don’t look like shit”  
“You look like a starving artist”  
“I was”  
“You were never starving”  
“What are we arguing about”?  
“I promise you I have no idea, we’re here to buy you clothes, so go over there… He pointed to the three way mirror in the private dressing room, and Alfonse and I will tell you what to wear.” 

Justin pouted and dragged his feet to the dressing area, bored already.

Alfonse took Brian to a rack where he had set aside some items he thought might be appropriate for the boy. Brian pointed to a few, and showed an obvious dislike for some others. 

When he brought the first outfit over, Justin looked at him with a pout too similar to Gus’s to be overlooked.

He leaned in and bit at Justin's pouting bottom lip. “You see” he began, “the key to dressing well, is planning and the key to shopping is to make the planning part interesting. For example, what do you think of these?”  
Justin Shrugged “look like pants”  
“Yes, but feel them”  
Justin looked at him as though he might be a bit insane, but reached out to feel the pants. Justin shrugged again “they’re soft”  
“Right, you see, now, imagine, if you will, that we’re at a dinner party at say, Michael and Ben’s, and you’re wearing these very soft pants, now imagine that you’re not wearing any underwear, and that my hand is marveling at the softness of said garment.” Brian was now suggestively rubbing the fly and crotch area of the pants, which were still on their hanger. 

He glanced down and was amazed to find that Justin was actually responding to his sales pitch. He watched the boy shift in his chair and smiled. Now try them on, with this shirt, that, you may notice, has many tiny buttons which means that while it is a stylish and attractive garment, you will most likely have to remove it over your head in the bathroom so that I can get to your nipples more readily”

Justin grabbed the clothes from Brian, eager now to try them on. Brian smiled evilly; he hadn’t even introduced him to belts and ties yet.

The day went on like that, Alfonse showing Brian collections or pieces of them, Brian making lascivious comments to Justin about how and when and where he might remove said garments, and Justin looking amazing in almost everything, due to the fact that he was a well built young guy with amazing shoulders and a perfect ass.

It was well after five when they had finished with Alphonse. Justin thought he might pass out, Brian had been keeping him in a state of barely controlled arousal all day, and he had tried on what felt like half the store. A tailor came in to take Justin's measurements so that everything could be fitted to him, and Justin did everything in his power to talk himself down from the seemingly day long hard on he’d had. The tailor, ever the professional, ignored it, and made his notes quickly and efficiently.

The clothes would be delivered to the house in Pittsburgh next week, after the alterations had been done, but Brian still had a few things he felt Justin needed.

Before they left the store Justin had an entirely new casual wardrobe as well, jeans that fit, shirts that skimmed his waist and brought out the blue in his eyes, belts that didn’t “look like he cut them out of an old tire” as Brian so eloquently stated, and shoes, more shoes than he needed. He didn’t understand the shoes but he let Brian have his fun.

Boots, brown, black, lighter brown, loafers, lace ups, he wore sneakers, all the time, what the hell did he need seven pairs of shoes for? He figured he’d never actually have to wear them, and picked his battles.

Ties. He hated ties. He’d worn a tie every day for years at St. James Academy, and he’d vowed once he got into art school he’d never wear a tie again, and rarely did, but Brian insisted on ties. Justin got quiet while Brian was picking them out. 

Finally, he just broke down, tired, and very much in need of a good blow job, he grabbed Brian at the tie stand and kissed him hard, then twisting Brian's shirt around his neck until he could feel it tighten he said “I wore a tie for years at that stupid school, I’m an artist, not a fucking MBA from Dartmouth, I’m not wearing a fucking tie”

Brian was surprised, not by the kiss, although Justin was sometimes hesitant about Public displays of affection away from Liberty Avenue, but when he felt him stretching and pulling at his shirt he started to get aggravated. When the shirt actually began choking him he got downright angry, and when he looked at the anger matching his in Justin's eyes, and heard him growl about not having gone to Dartmouth he understood, and dropped the tie issue.

The kid had given up a lot, granted he had given it up for the right reasons, but he was right, he didn’t have to wear a tie if he didn’t want to.

Brian pulled back away from him and straightened out his shirt.  
“Fine, so no fucking ties. How do you feel about sweaters?

Justin laughed, “I have no dilemmas, moral or otherwise regarding sweaters, but I hate wool, it’s itchy.”

They moved on.

By the time they got back to the hotel, loaded down with shopping bags, and a brand new suitcase to get all the stuff home in, they were both hungry, horny and tired, they discussed in the cab which took precedence. And were happy to come to the same conclusion, horny first, then hungry, then tired.

And so once the bellman had delivered all of the new purchases into their room and been tipped well, they were both dying to take another swim in the Jacuzzi. Both had fingers resembling prunes by the time they re emerged, but they had crossed item number one off their list.

Brian ordered room service again, this time opting for lighter fare, hoping Justin could keep it down. 

Justin sat down in front of the bed and turned on the TV, he was flipping through the channels when he landed on male figure skating championships.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Brian said  
“I love this” Justin replied, “look at them, so graceful so strong”  
“Such big baskets” Brian added  
Justin looked at him, standing naked next to the bed. His blue eyes darkened and he crawled across the floor towards Brian, moving slowly but deliberately, never taking his eyes off of Brian's cock which, he noticed to his deep satisfaction began to twitch as he approached, before he even touched it.

He was holding on to the small of Brian's back now, taking small childlike licks at it, as if it were a melting ice cream cone, but there was nothing soft or melting about it now. Justin still refused to take it into his mouth for a few more moments, licking at it, and then moving away, kissing the soft hair above it, running his tongue quickly along Brian's balls, until he heard Brian groan. Success. Brian's head was back, his mouth open and Justin put two of his fingers in his mouth, wetting them completely, and then took Brian's cock entirely into his mouth, at the same time his fingers found their way between Brian's ass cheeks and he heard Brian moan again. Justin began pumping, both at once, as his fingers went in his mouth pulled back.

Brian wasn’t surprised that Justin was ready for another go already, the kid was always up for it, well, unless he was working in the studio, but this was…and then he stopped thinking completely.

Each time Justin thrust his fingers into Brian's ass and pulled them out he wanted more, wanted to push back on them, but then he’d be removing his cock from that lovely hot and sweet mouth, he finally just gave in and surrendered control to Justin, who was astounding Brian again with his formidable talent. He groaned, and Justin groaned as well, sending the vibrations from the head of his cock to the base. When Justin felt him twitch again the kid actually started humming, just vibrating his throat, all the while pumping two fingers in and out of his ass until Brian could hold out no longer and he came down Justin’s throat, his knees almost giving out from the sensation. 

Justin continued to pump his fingers into him while he came, making this climax last longer than he thought he could take. When it was finally over he realized that Justin had spontaneously come. He fell onto the bed, mind blown.

Justin returned to his spot at the end of the bed on the floor and watched the next competitor in the men’s long program, with a very satisfied smile on his face.

“So what time does the plane leave tomorrow?”

”Not ‘til around three in the afternoon” Brian croaked, his voice still raspy from the amount of gasping he’d just done.

Can we go to Renton’s gallery, I should probably check in.

“Yeah sure” Brian said unable to process any information at the moment.

Justin answered the door when the food came, and they ate in companionable silence, although Brian noticed that Justin wasn’t eating a whole lot, he was eating, and he seemed to be doing better. 

They fell asleep with the TV on, and didn’t awake until ten the next morning.


	9. All Mistakes are Temporary

“Why are we eating here?”  
“Because I have to find some way to sell the idea of this ugly ass restaurant as a wonderful and fulfilling dining experience”  
“Well, wouldn’t that be easier if we didn’t actually have to be here?” Justin looked around, there is nothing attractive about this place, and it looks like every other stupid chain restaurant ever”  
“Yes, but this one is paying for the marble tile in the foyer and that hideous color scheme you chose for the great room.” Brian said as he draped his arm around Justin's shoulders and kissed the side of his face.  
“You said you liked the color scheme”  
“I would have said anything to get you to shut up about it”  
Justin gave him a look and said, well, if they’re paying for all that, I guess we can eat here, ONCE.”  
Brian laughed and followed the hostess to their booth.

“Its not the diner”  
“Nothing is, the diner isn’t about food, it’s about…” Brian trailed off  
Justin looked at him…”it’s about?”  
“Justin, did you know you’re brilliant?”  
“Yeah, actually I did. Anything in particular make you come to this sudden realization?”  
“I think I know how to market this shithole”  
“If anyone can do it, you can, so do we still have to eat here”  
“Shut up and order, we can’t eat at home, everything’s covered in dust.”  
“The renovations are driving me insane you know.”  
“The place is going to look great when it’s done”  
“But right now, they’re banging away all day, I can’t concentrate on my work, and the place is always so dusty, plus all those construction guys, with their big tools”  
Brian cocked an eyebrow, “that’s a problem?”  
Justin smiled “it’s a distraction”  
“But you finished the third canvas.”  
“Yes, I did, and now I’m working on the fourth.”  
“And will I ever get to see these masterpieces?”  
“If you come to my New York Show”  
Brian seemed to consider it, “but we were just in New York”  
“It’s not for 6 months Brian, by then the spring collections will be in”  
“I thought you hated shopping”  
“I’d never been properly introduced to its more interesting side”  
It was Brian’s turn to smile. “Well, I’ll see if Cyn can clear my calendar for your show”  
“Well okay then”

 

The food really was mediocre, but the pie was good, the place was known for its take out bakery, even more than for it’s food, or generic atmosphere, or lack thereof. 

When they got back home Justin kissed Brian quickly “I’m gonna work a little more”  
“Bed by three” Brian said  
Justin smiled, five at the latest, I promise. Brian kissed him harder “three” and Justin went back to the studio, stripping off his paint free clothes and pulling on an old pair of sweats, he started mixing colors, searching for just the right shade of green.

Brian was in the den, working on the ideas he’d had at dinner. It was a departure from his usual pitch style, but he thought it might work. He tried not to focus on the fact that Justin's work habits hadn’t changed once they’d returned from New York. And Brian knew he was going to have to address how the kid was taking care of himself, and soon. 

He had convinced himself in New York that the eating thing had been stress, and work, and maybe it was, but it hadn’t changed upon their return. Justin had barely touched his dinner tonight, he cooked Brian breakfast on the mornings he wasn’t in the studio, but Brian never saw him eat. Yes Justin always swore that he ate while he was cooking, but…

Brian poured himself a scotch, drank it, and then poured himself another. Justin wasn’t starving, he was fine, and he had been getting a bit more sleep, no more 24-hour marathons. Maybe the worst was behind them.

He was so engrossed in the work he was doing he lost track of time himself. The next time he glanced up it was 2:30 in the morning, he’d finished his pack of cigarettes, and half the bottle of scotch. Turning off the computer he walked over to the studio and knocked on the door.

“Half hour ‘til lights out” he sing songed, trying to keep it light, he wasn’t Justin's keeper.  
“Be up soon” Justin called back, and Brian walked a little unsteadily upstairs and collapsed into bed.

Justin was curled up against him when he woke. “See” he told himself “nothing to worry about.”

He had only been at the office for twenty minutes when his cell rang, it was Justin  
“Hey”  
“Hey yourself”  
“You were supposed to wake me”  
“For what?”  
“I was gonna make you breakfast”  
“You needed your sleep, besides, I think Debbie gets upset if I don’t show up at least one morning a week for her bad coffee and nagging”  
“What’s she nagging about now”?  
“Guess”  
“She wants to see the house”  
“We have a winner”  
“Everyone wants to see it”  
“It’ll be done in time for the party in ten weeks, they’ll see it then”  
“Is it actually gonna be done? ‘cause at this rate, I’m thinking we go with urban dilapidation chic”  
Brian laughed, “it’ll get done or I’ll have jimmy buried under our floorboards by the contractor I hire to replace him”  
“Ooh, violent this morning”  
“Yeah well, I almost stepped on a fucking nail”  
“That’s why you’re supposed to wear shoes”  
“I hate shoes in the house, you know that. So I have a meeting with creative in ten minutes, do you need something?”  
“No, just wanted to say good morning”  
“And a good morning to you too”  
“Want me to bring home something for dinner?”  
”I’m gonna be working, I’m getting a late start, I wouldn’t count on me eating”  
”I never do” Brian mumbled, more to himself than to Justin  
“What?”  
”Nothing, grab a pop tart, and get to work, if you don’t finish these paintings soon I’m going to have to forbid you to be a creative artist type and send you off for a business degree”  
Justin laughed, “you wouldn’t do that, you’d miss my creativity”  
“Yeah, paint and turpentine is such a heady combination, what would my life be without it”  
“So you want me to become an accountant?”  
Brian smiled, “no, I’ve got one of them, how bout you become a doctor, then you can write me all the oxy prescriptions I need”  
“Doctors work worse hours than artists”  
“Good point, I guess you can stay creative”  
Justin laughed again. “Love you”  
“See you tonight”  
Brian closed his phone and smiled, he actually got turned on by the smell of paint and turpentine these days, but he’d wasn’t about to admit it.

Justin breathed deeply, pulling himself together.  
He would never tell Brian the real reason that he called, he felt like too much of a baby, and after all that Brian had done for him, he wasn’t gonna fall apart now. But he felt like he was falling apart. 

When he woke up, with a start, finding Brian gone he panicked, that same sickening feeling he’d known in New York, the same feeling he’d gotten when he had woken up with nightmares, after the bashing. 

Sure that Brian was dead he had been unable to breathe. He had considered calling 911 but at that very moment hadn’t really cared if he lived or died, Brian was gone he was absolutely certain.

That’s the thing about panic attacks, they’re not rational, and so once it subsided somewhat, Justin gathered all his nerve and called Brian. He, of course, was fine; he was even in a good mood. Justin knew these episodes were silly, he also knew he never had one in the studio. And so without even showering, he went back to work on canvas number four.

Brian’s meeting with the art department went well, they figured they could get the art done and boards together by Monday, which meant he’d have tons of time to revise all their mistakes before the meeting on Wednesday. He glanced at his watch 12:30   
“Cyn, I’m heading to the diner for lunch” he called over his shoulder as he walked the few blocks. He took a deep breath, bracing himself before opening the door, He’d been scarce around the diner lately, and didn’t see any way of avoiding questions and nagging.

Michael was sitting with Emmett at a booth, he joined them.

“Afternoon boys”  
“Brian, honey it’s been ages, you look…well rested”  
“Hello Emmett and NO, I did not go away to have work done as you’re implying, Justin and I took a shopping trip to New York”  
“Well, as long as you’re keeping him you might as well be keeping him in style” Michael said.  
“I’m not keeping him, I’m fucking him, and letting him sleep next to me, and buying him things, in what sick twisted way is that keeping him?”   
Michael rolled his eyes, “Jesus Brian, I know you’re good at denial but really”  
“Mikey?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Any chance we’re ever going to agree on this?”  
”Probably not”  
“Then how ‘bout you shut the fuck up about my life” and with that he leaned over the table and kissed Michael on the mouth.  
Michael smiled, “fine, we’ll agree to disagree. But I still don’t see why I can’t come and see the house”  
“Ooh,” Emmett added, “I am dying to see it, I hear it’s fabulous”  
Brian sighed loudly, “at the moment it’s more frightening than fabulous, but don’t worry, it’ll all be done by in time for the housewarming party.”  
Emmet clapped his hands “I love a good party”  
“Yeah, and Emmett, when we get a little closer to this whole thing, I’m gonna need you”  
“Anything you need Brian”  
“Thanks”  
“Hey Deb, any chance I can get a…”  
Debbie arrived at the table and placed a plate in front of Brian “turkey sandwich, whole wheat, no mayo, and fries.”  
Brian smiled, and put his hand on Deb's   
“thanks Deb”  
“No problem, so where’s sunshine today?”  
“He’s working, he’s been spending a lot of time in his studio, the new show should be spectacular.”  
“Well we all knew that kid was special, first time I saw him I knew it, didn’t I Michael.”  
“Yes, mom, you knew he was the golden child”  
“Awe, my baby’s just jealous”  
“I’m not jealous now stop kissing me at the diner, I’m not 12 anymore”  
Debbie just laughed and dropped the boy’s checks on the table, moving to pick up a few more orders to take to the lunch crowd.

“So, what’s new Mikey?”  
“Not much, I was just telling Emmett that I’m going up to see JR, and Mel and Lindz this weekend”  
“Yeah I need to get up there, Gus broke his arm”  
“I heard”  
“Hey Brian, has Melanie talked to you lately?”  
”Why the fuck would she do that?”  
“I don’t know, she seems down lately, weird, angry”  
“Lately? She’s always been weird and angry, she’s a lesbian, they’re born weird and angry”  
“Brian I’m serious I think something’s wrong”  
“If something were wrong Lindz would tell me”  
“Yeah I guess you’re right”  
“Besides you’re going up to see her, talk to her then”  
“I don’t want to talk to her, she scares me.”  
Brian laughed, “She scares all of us”  
Emmet laughed too and scooted out of the booth, “see you all later, I have an appointment with a couple who want a cowboy themed wedding”  
“A gay couple?” Michael asked  
“No, that’s the really weird part” Emmet did a full body shudder, threw a couple of bills on the table to cover his lunch and headed out.  
“So you and Justin are back where you started”  
“Mikey, I asked you to drop it”  
“Right, sorry, anyway, I was asking because if you’re past your fear of looking like a couple stage, Ben and I were thinking the two of you could join us for dinner on Thursday.”  
“As far as I know we’re both free, count on me, and if Justin can make it, we’ll both be there”  
“If Justin can make it? What the fuck would he have to do, he doesn’t have a job.”  
Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and wondered why he didn’t hit Michael more than once a decade. “He has a show in 6 months, he has a job and a lot of work to do”  
“Whatever. I’ve got to get back to the store”  
“Bye Mikey”  
Michael leaned over and kissed Brian on the cheek before leaving.

Once they were gone Brian was actually relieved, and surprised at how much he’d been dreading facing them, maybe because it was harder than he’d like to admit to keep up the front that everything was perfect. Each day he was getting a little more concerned about Justin, and in a patented Brian Kinney method he was going to fix this, but he just hadn’t figured out which patented Brian Kinney method he was going to use.

He contemplated this while he finished his sandwich, and most of the fries. He was still sitting and contemplating when Deb slid into the booth across from him  
“Christ my fucking feet are killing me today”  
“Well, you could be a lady of leisure”  
“Fuck leisure, so, what’s wrong”  
“Nothing’s wrong”  
“Mmmmmm hmmm, so if nothings wrong, why’d you eat the fries?”  
Brian looked up at her “comfort food asshole. You think I don’t know my boys. Mikey is upset he thinks about changing his hair, you…you go for the French fries.”

“Deb, can you do me a favor?”  
“Sure kiddo, anything, you know that”  
“Yeah, can you call Justin, use your powers of persuasion, and get him to join you for lunch or something, get him out of the house”  
“You sick of him already? Brian If you’re tricking around on that kid again…”  
Brian cut her off with a look. “He spends too much time in the studio, doesn’t seem all that interested in getting out of the house, for anything, I’d just like to get him pulled back into the fold, he’s too young to become a creepy old hermit”  
“You really worried?”  
“No, I think he could just use the company, but Deb, don’t take no for an answer okay?” “You got it Brian. Now, when am I going to get to see that house of yours?”  
Brian smiled at her, “when everyone else does, so meet him someplace.”  
“Well you can’t blame a girl for trying.” The bell rang and Debbie got up to pick up the completed orders. “Take care of yourself Brian”  
“You know me”  
“Yeah, I do”

Brian placed a twenty on the table, tipping Debbie somewhere in the vicinity of 110% of the bill, but he always did that, and headed back to the office.

Justin was sitting in the studio and smoking, considering what to do next, canvas four needed a day to set before he could start the next step, and he had an idea for a smaller piece but he’d have to actually stretch the canvas for that one, and he wasn’t in the mood. There was a canvas ready for a portrait he’d already sketched out but he wasn’t sure his hand was up to doing the detail work.   
“The scarf” as he’d entitled the third canvas, had given him a lot of trouble. He was always careful to run his hand under the shower jets for a long time after working on it, so that Brian wouldn’t see his hand cramped up like a gimp again, he knew that if Brian saw that he’d be even more insistent on the whole more sleep less painting thing and right now, it felt like the only thing keeping him from being a raving lunatic was the time he spent in the studio.  
He grabbed a bottle of water out of the mini fridge, and continued sitting and staring off into space, contemplating his next project when his phone rang.

It was Debbie.

He tried every excuse in the book, and she accepted none of them. There was no way to get out of it; he was having lunch with her tomorrow at her house. Justin tried to settle the knots in his stomach and couldn’t. He had no idea why he would be nervous about going to Debbie’s house but he suddenly was. He opened the studio door, found Brian's stash in the den and rolled himself a joint. He took it back to the studio and sat on the floor, door locked, letting the buzz wash over him.


	10. All Mistakes are Temporary

Justin forced himself to go to lunch at Deb’s, Emmett was there too, and he suspected an ambush when Ted and Blake stopped by as well.   
“Shouldn’t both of you be at work?”  
“Took the day off” Ted said, “We’re house hunting.”  
“So then shouldn’t you be off house hunting?”  
That’s when Debbie smacked him “Sunshine stop being rude, they came to say hi, you’ve been hiding yourself away in that house you won’t let us see.”  
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he was being ambushed, he was going to fucking kill Brian, there was no doubt in his mind that Brian was behind this, he was too happy about Deb’s lunch invitation last night. Justin pasted a smile on his face and made it through lunch. He left as soon as he could without evoking more of Debbie’s wrath. Truth be told it wasn’t so horrible, except for the fact that all he wanted to do was get back to the studio. It wasn’t until he shut and locked the studio door that he began to relax. He felt like he’d been holding is breath since he’d left the house early this afternoon.

When Brian returned home he was less than surprised to find a steady thumping beat coming from the studio. He tried the door, it was locked. He knocked; Justin opened it, and grabbed Brian by the shirt, pulling him forward as he danced.

Brian put his arms on Justin's shoulders, falling into the familiar rhythm of dancing with Justin. Foreheads together, legs entangled Justin's hands roaming. Brian smiled, and Justin looked up at him, his smile wide, his eyes…black.

“You’re very high” Brian said, “No fair not sharing.”  
Justin reached into his pocket and in a move he’d learned from Brian, put the E on his own tongue and then leaned in to kiss Brian. The kiss was intense, and Brian swallowed the pill and continued dancing. He hadn’t seen Justin this happy in a while, but apparently lunch at Deb’s had been a good idea, and of course, being chemically altered had helped.

It was hours later; they were both coming down, naked, entwined on a probably ruined Armani suit. Neither one cared. Brian kissed the top of Justin's head. “I missed you today Sunshine.”

Justin looked up at him “you were only gone for a few hours”  
“Ten hours, felt like a lifetime today.”  
“Is the cold cruel world of advertising treating my Brian roughly?”  
Brian let out a chuckle “nothing I can’t handle. Oh, and your mother called.”  
“My mother called you?”  
”Yes, it seems somebody is being a bad son.”  
“She thinks you’re being a bad son?”  
”Stop being retarded, you need to call your mother before she tracks me down and has me arrested for kidnapping.”  
“She can’t do that anymore, I’m like a grown up or something.”  
“Yeah, well let me explain something I learned from Debbie, mothers, don’t understand the concept of ‘grown up’ when it comes to their children, so don’t make me say this again, Call. Your. Mother.”  
Justin settled his head against Brian's chest. “Fine”  
The two of them lay for a little longer, Justin reached behind him and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge, he drank half in a single gulp and handed the bottle to Brian who finished it off. 

Brian was enjoying the comfortable silence and hated the words that came out of his mouth before he said them, but he had to try “so, should we order something in, or do you want to go out?”

“Uggggh, food.”  
Brian looked down at him. Justin had his patented crinkled nose “I ate too much at Debbie’s to ever consider eating again.”  
Brian couldn’t argue with that, carbo-loading was perfected at Deb's kitchen table.   
Justin searched around for his pants, pulling a joint and lighter out of his pocket. He took a hit and passed to Brian.

Two days later Justin was less than happy about dinner obligations with Michael and Ben. “I don’t see why I have to go, I really wanted to work some more tonight.”  
Brian sighed, “you don’t HAVE to go, but you haven’t seen Michael or Ben in a while and since I’m not having anyone over here until the place is done, I say we suck it up and go.”  
Brian was trying not to push the issue too much but he had gotten calls from both Jennifer and Daphne today asking if Justin's phone was broken because they’d both left several messages, none of them had been returned. Justin was behaving oddly and Brian wasn’t sure why, but it was worrisome. He never left the house, he got up, went to the studio, came back to bed, for a few hours, and then was back at work. The power struggle was getting tiresome and the kid was getting bigger dark circles under his eyes.

Here he said, choosing one of the ensembles they’d chosen on their New York adventure. Brian pouted but put on the shirt, and then caught the pants Brian had thrown towards him. 

Brian watched wondering to himself how he was now a person who found the sight of a man putting clothes ON sexy. It was the way Justin moved, it was graceful, but with something extra, he had a half grin on his face, which disappeared once Justin had finished zipping and buttoning the fly. Justin was swimming in the clothing. Well, okay, not exactly swimming but the waist of the garment was obviously too big. The pants sat on his hips loosely making him look like he was all dressed up in daddy’s clothes. The shirt was too big as well.

“Jesus Christ, Fucking tailor.”  
“What?” Justin looked up, thinking Brian was talking to him  
“No, not you, the tailor, at Barney’s he totally fucked up the sizing.”  
“No he didn’t, these fit fine.”  
“They’re falling off you, didn’t you try these on when they got here”  
“Yeah I did, don’t you remember?”  
And Brian did, Justin had given him a fashion show, an agonizingly long fashion show that had ending in a very long night of Brian showing his appreciation for just how beautiful Justin looked in and out of clothes. The clothes had fit then.

“Justin, what the fuck, come here.”  
Justin was suddenly scared. “What?”  
Brian walked over to him, putting his large hands on Justin's slight hips. He noticed for the first time how closely his hands came to meeting when he rested them like this. He took a step back, looking critically a Justin, seeing for the first time that his cheekbones were a little more prominent, his face a little less round.

“Do me a favor, take your shirt off” Brian said  
Justin tried to keep the mood light “absolutely, this is a much better way to spend an evening than at some dinner party with the Novotny-Bruckners.”  
Brian smiled, trying to keep his eyes blank, Justin took off his shirt and Brian eyed him carefully, seeing for the first time the thin blue lines on his arms, he pulled him forward and ran his hand down to the small of Justin's back, feeling each vertebrae as he went.

“Christ Justin, you’ve lost a lot of weight”  
“You think so?” Justin shrugged away from Brian, putting his shirt back on. “That’s probably a good thing, I mean I’m getting too old to still be eating like a kid and not worrying about it.”  
“Yeah” Brian agreed, keeping his expression neutral. “C’mon we’re gonna be late”  
Justin headed to the car and Brian went back in to grab a bottle of wine. He picked up the wine and then rested his forehead against the doorframe out of sight of Justin. He took a deep breath. He had been fooling himself, the kid wasn’t eating, he was making himself sick, not eating, barely sleeping, and from the looks of it living on water and cigarettes. He shut his eyes and concentrated on keeping things light.

If he came at Justin with this hard the kid would bolt again, he had tried, so many times in the past to keep Justin from making mistakes, and had learned from experience that the subtle approach was the ONLY one that worked with his little blonde twink.  
The problem was sometimes the subtle approach took months, he wasn’t sure he had months, or even weeks before Justin collapsed. 

He idly wondered how long one really could live on nothing but cigarettes water and the occasional narcotic.

Shaking his head he readjusted his expression to one of boredom and got in the car.

Dinner was actually far more relaxing than Brian would have thought. It was just the four of them, and Michael had moved beyond his annoying pretentious dinner party stage. Ben cooked, and between the four of them they polished off almost six bottles of wine… They were happily buzzed and comfortable when they moved to the living room for coffee. Brian sat and Justin leaned against him sighing contentedly.

Brian was just comfortable enough to not be too upset over the small amount he’d seen Justin eat at dinner. But he had eaten, and he would eat more in the coming days, because Brian wasn’t….

Brian wasn’t gonna think about it tonight. He wrapped a hand around Justin's waist pulling him closer, but carefully, he could feel the boy’s ribs under the finely woven cotton of his dress shirt.

“So Mikey, when are you leaving for the Toronto?”  
”My flight leaves tomorrow at seven.”  
“That’s good, hey, give this to them for me.” He pulled an envelope out of his pocket and handed it to Michael”  
“Sure, what it is?”  
“It’s a letter to Gus, and one to Lindz”  
“Why don’t you just mail it?”  
“Why don’t you just give it to them”  
“Brian there’s cash in here”  
“Is there?”  
”Brian, why are you…”  
“Can you just give it to Lindsay for me?”  
“Yeah sure, whatever, but you think there’s something wrong too don’t you?”  
”I think I want to make sure my son has everything he wants, that’s all.”  
Justin was only half listening to the conversation, the wine had gone straight to his head, and he was feeling extremely relaxed, his head leaning against Brian's chest, hearing his heart beating in a slow steady rhythm, feeing his chest rise and fall as he breathed, feeling the vibrations through his body when he got more agitated with Mikey. His eyes closed and before he knew it he was asleep.

Ben glanced over to see the blond contentedly sleeping against Brian. “Looks like Justin’s been working pretty hard.”  
“Yeah” Brian agreed, “he has, I’m surprised he lasted this long without crashing tonight, he’s been in the studio night and day getting the show ready.”  
Ben looked at Brian and then his eyes shifted down to Justin. He took in the dark circles under Justin's eyes, and noticed that he did look thinner, and made a mental note to talk to Justin about good nutrition and some relaxation methods, he looked like he could use them both.

They continued talking good-naturedly for another half hour or so when Justin suddenly sat bolt upright.

He was sweating, breathing shallow. “Brian lets go home.”   
Brian put a hand on his back, rubbing lightly, “Hey Justin, you okay?”

“Yeah, fine, but it’s late, I’m ready to go okay?” There was an odd urgency in his tone. He was obviously not okay, but it seemed a bad time to call him on the lie, “Sure.”

Justin stood up, “I’ll meet you out front.” And without another word walked out the door.

Brian shrugged “Time to get princess home, he’s about to turn into a pumpkin.”  
“He okay?” Ben asked?  
“Yeah, he’s just probably tired” Brian lied  
He grabbed his and Justin’s jackets and headed out to the car, Justin was around the side of the house, obviously vomiting what little food he had eaten. Brian tried not to react, and in truth, if he were going to react, he wasn’t exactly sure what appropriate response would be.   
Anger wouldn’t work, he was fairly certain Justin wasn’t doing this on purpose.  
Concern, but he was never all that good at expressing concern.  
In truth his first instinct was to go with outright panic, but that just wasn’t a very Brian Kinney like reaction, so he shoved that down and went with studied nonchalance and light humor.

“Hey, I know Ben’s cooking isn’t exactly to everyone’s taste but isn’t it a little rude to leave it on their lawn like that.”  
Justin looked up at him and smiled, just suddenly felt a little ill; he shrugged and walked to the car.

Ten minutes into the silent ride back Brian broached the subject again “Wanna tell me what’s going on?”   
“Nothing, I was tired, and had way too much wine”  
Brian nodded, “yeah, we must have polished off at least a bottle each tonight”  
“Add that to the…what the fuck were we eating?”  
Brian laughed, I have no fucking idea, it wasn’t bad though”  
“Too much tofu” Justin wrinkled his nose, Ben needs to eat more meat  
Brian laughed, that’s a personal issue between Ben and Mikey, I’m not gonna get involved. This time it was Justin who giggled.   
Brian's hand was resting on the stick shift, and Justin put his hand on Brian's, “Thank you.”  
“For what?”  
“For not making this a huge issue. I know I haven’t been eating right, I know I’ve been working too hard, I promise, promise, promise, that I’ll be good from now on.”  
Brian looked over at him and raised an eyebrow “Who said I want you to be good?” he licked his lips suggestively moving his hand to Justin’s thigh  
“Brian, you know what I mean.”  
“Yeah I do, and don’t make promises, just do it, okay, just eat, and sleep, cause you know, I need your energy levels high if I’m gonna fuck you into the mattress” and with this Brian leaned his head over and whispered hot into Justin's ear “all night long.”

Brian's hot breath, and the memory of the first time Brian had ever said those words to him made Justin shiver, in a good way.   
“Maybe we should stock up on some energy bars, I wouldn’t want to disappoint you”  
Brian smiled, “Good idea, I hate disappointments.”

And they left it at that for the night. The rest of the drive home was spent discussing such mundane topics as the possible need to bring in the cleaning service three times a week rather than the twice-weekly schedule that they were now on. They also came to the conclusion that Saturday they would go shopping for a table and chairs for the den, since they spent most of their time in there it made sense to have a place to sit and eat. 

It was Tuesday before Brian made it back to the diner for lunch, he’d been busy with the new campaign for Rapkins Restaurants and the pitch was tomorrow but he needed a break, he was starving, and he wanted to see if he could catch up with Mikey, get the news from the Canadian front.

“Ted, I’m gonna grab lunch at the diner, you coming?”  
Ted looked up, surprised, his relationship with Brian was different these days but lunch invitations were rare. Ted was smart enough to know that there was a reason for the invite, probably needed a buffer between himself and Michael, but he was also smart enough to know that if he wanted to know what was going on, and not piss Brian off, it was best just to acquiesce. 

“Sure Brian, just give me a minute to close out this file”  
“They walked in together and Ted slid into the booth next to Michael, Brian sat across from them.”  
“So, how’s my sonny boy?”  
Michael looked up and smiled, “Gus is getting so big Brian you wouldn’t believe it, and he has decided his cast is the ultimate weapon against evil, he wields it like a light saber”  
“Mikey if you turn my kid into a geek I will never forgive you.”  
Michael looked hurt  
“It’s not my fault that the kid has the brilliance to see the inherent cool in the way of the Jedi”  
Brian buried his face in his hands for a second…”how the fuck does a four year old know the way of the Jedi?”  
”Well I couldn’t bring gifts for JR and nothing for Gus could I?”  
”So you bought him…”  
“The original three, the classics, and Brian the kid loved them!”  
“Great, and now he’s wandering around telling people ‘may the force be with you’ Mikey, he’s already got two mommies, isn’t’ that enough to get him beat up on the playground, do you have to make him a complete nerd too?”  
Michael just rolled his eyes “you saw return of the Jedi SEVEN time in the theatres, didn’t seem to damage your cool factor.”  
Brian just gave him a look of contempt in a way that only Brian fucking Kinney could get away with.   
“Well anyway, I have pictures, want to see?”  
”Sure”  
Michael handed him a stack of pictures, most of them were of JR, she was a year old now, and turning out to be quite a cute little kid, Gus was growing so fast it was frightening. It looked like he’d inherited his fathers height. Mel and Lindz were in the background of most of the pictures but as Brian scanned through them he noticed something, they were never in the pictures together.  
“So Ted” Michael turned his attention away from Brian for a moment, “have you two found a place yet?”  
Ted sighed, Blake wants house, I don’t see why we don’t just get a nice condo clean, new, no yard to mow.  
Michael laughed, “Didn’t you already do this once with Emmet…you know you’re going to give in a buy a house, why don’t you stop fighting it?”  
”Because if we get a house Blake is going to want a dog”  
Brian actually looked up from the pictures for a second. “Teddy, are you saying you have something against puppies?”  
Ted shrugged “of course I do, they’re messy and they leave hair all over everything and they turn into dogs.”  
Brian snorted, “Teddy’s afraid of dogs.”  
“I wouldn’t say afraid exactly, lets just say, that I don’t need some big untrained sloppy wet nosed animal sniffing at my crotch as soon as I get home”  
“I thought that’s what attracted you to Blake in the first place” Brian said, and Ted just rolled his eyes.  
“I don’t like dogs okay? I had a bad experience when I was a kid”  
“Have you told Blake you don’t want a dog?” Michael asked.  
“No, how do you tell someone that you’re against puppies, without sounding evil?”  
Brian smiled to himself, and handing the pictures back to Michael took a bite of his sandwich.   
“So how are Mel and Lindz?”  
“Oh, you know, they’re Mel and Lindz, they bicker and make up and bicker and make up”  
“Christ, lesbians.”  
He finished his lunch, laid a few bills on the table and kissed Michael goodbye.  
“Oh and teddy, you should really consider getting a puppy, I hear they really bring a couple closer together.”  
Ted just rolled his eyes. “See you back at the office Brian”  
Brian left  
As soon as he stepped out of the diner his cell phone rang, it was Lindsay.

“Hey”  
“Hey Brian” her voice was shaking,   
“What’s wrong?”  
”What? Nothing, I was just calling to see how you were doing, and tell you Gus had his check up for his arm today”  
“Is Gus okay?”  
”The doctor says he’s healing fine and should be able to take the cast off in a couple of weeks. Gus is very disappointed, he wants to keep the cast”  
Brian chuckled, “yeah, I hear he’s also practicing his Jedi mind tricks”  
“Brian he loves those movies.”  
“I’m going to have to kill Mikey.”  
“I’ll help you, I’ve seen empire strikes back about a dozen times in the last three days”  
“Well, remember your obsession with Ghost, you must have made me watch that film a couple of hundred times junior year.”  
“As I recall you weren’t so very upset about.”  
“Patrick Swayze.”  
“riiight”  
“So how are Mel and JR?”  
“They’re good, JR is growing up so fast, and Mel is still working on being licensed to practice law up here.”  
“Good.”  
“Brian.”  
“Yeah?”  
”I wanted to thank you for the gift”  
“Don’t mention it”  
“It was too generous, you know I can’t really accept it”  
“It’s for Gus, he’s gonna need stuff, and while Mel’s not working…”  
“Mel won’t be happy about it”  
“Since when has Mel ever turned down my money?”  
”Since she didn’t ask”  
“Lindz, that’s why it’s cash, you don’t have to tell her”  
“Oh I already told her, we don’t keep secrets from each other”  
“Well, yeah, that’s one way to kill a relationship”  
“BRAIN!, you know you’re not that jaded”  
“I do?”  
”I’ve seen you in love now you know, you can’t pretend with me anymore”  
“Yeah well, then consider the gift an act of love and just take it okay, my kid may end up being Canadian but he can at least be well dressed, none of that flannel, and no hat with earflaps, you hear me?”  
Lindsay laughed, “I promise, and thank you”  
“Talk to you later Lindz.”  
“Love you Brian.”  
“Yeah.”

Brian considered calling Justin to make sure he was okay, but with no pressing reason to assume otherwise at this moment he dismissed the thought and went back to the office to yell at the creative team, who had, as expected, fucked up the boards for the restaurant pitch.

Justin was standing in front of the bathroom mirror in the studio. He turned his head and tried to see if he looked any different. He had lost weight, because lately he felt like he could barely hold anything down, and he knew it, but he didn’t look bad. If anything, maybe he even looked a little better, a little more like a man and less like a boy. His cheekbones being more prominent made his eyes look almost catlike. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and lit a cigarette.

He wandered around the studio aimlessly, trying to decide what to work on next; he flipped through his sketchbook, searching for an idea that would inspire him. He came across a sketch he’d done in New York, and realized that was the perfect subject for his next piece.

Inspired again he started preparing a relatively small canvass, this was going to take a little more effort and precision, he flexed his right hand a couple of times and realized that he’d have to be careful. Most of the time his hand was fine but too much detail work could make it cramp into a claw. It frustrated him still, but for the most part he worked around it, alternating between detail work and larger movements on larger projects. 

He was exhausted when he finally felt like he was at a reasonable stopping point. He locked the studio and went to bed.

It was 4:30 in the morning when Brian heard Justin come upstairs. He’d gotten used to seeing him less and less in the evenings, as his work in the studio seemed to be at a crucial point. When Justin crawled into bed, he pulled him closer, not cuddling, because he didn’t cuddle, just, keeping the kid warm that’s all.


	11. All Mistakes are Temporary

Brian awoke to the feel of someone nibbling on his ear. He bit back a grin and remained still. Justin’s mouth continued it’s decent down to his neck. Soon he was leaving hot sweet kisses on Brian's Adams apple, and then moved further down his chest. Justin looked up, and seeing Brian bite back a moan, knew he was awake, but if he wasn’t going to admit it, Justin would just make sure that he did. 

His mouth latched on to Brian's nipple, licking and sucking and then biting at the puckered nub. Brian let out a moan as his back arched. Justin sat up. “I knew you were awake.”

“Yes well you’re very smart.” He mumbled, bringing his hand to the back of Justin's head, and guiding it back down to his chest. “But I think you missed a spot.”  
Justin grinned widely and went back to his previous activities, slowly moving his mouth from one nipple to the other until he heard Brian moan again, which he took a signal to move on.

He kissed a trail down Brian's stomach until he reached a thatch of dark hair, at which point he blew ever so slightly, tickling Brian and making him gasp at the same time as the cool air crossed his now throbbing dick.

Justin leaned over Brian, searching, pulling a condom from the nightstand. He whispered into Brian's ear “I want to ride you.”

Brian leaned his head back and gave a half smile ‘I’m all yours.” Justin kissed the sensitive spot on Brian's jaw, and moved lower. The sound of Justin tearing open the wrapper made Brian buck a little, and the gentle feel of his hand as he rolled the condom on him was exquisite. Justin straddled Brian, putting his weight on his knees he leaned forward, kissing Brian on the mouth, refusing to stop until he elicited a response. Brian resisted responding for several seconds before his hands were entangled in Justin's hair and head lifted to meet Justin's mouth. Their tongues danced, and then he felt Justin pull away. 

He leaned his head back again; content to let Justin have his way with him. Justin’s hand, soft, and warm grabbed the base of Brian's cock and held it as he slowly lowered himself down upon it. Brian bent his knees, digging his heels into the mattress, and Justin lowered himself completely and leaned back against Brian's thighs. He began to raise himself up and lower himself again riding Brian slowly, as he squeezed his anus causing Brian to let out another involuntary moan. 

Then Justin began in earnest, pumping hard, not touching Brian anywhere else. Brian wanted to thrust upward, to stay inside him buried deep forever, but Justin continued to ride him, biting his lips to hold back any sound, he wanted no distractions, he wanted Brian to feel nothing but the sensation of being inside him, of his taut muscles gliding over him, soon, sure Brian was ready to come, he lowered himself fully and simply ground down, rocking just a small bit back and forth, leaning back on Brian's thighs as he squeezed hard on the base of Brian's cock, and he felt Brian convulse, watched as his entire body compressed and expanded with the force of the orgasm. 

Justin loved the way Brian looked at that moment, head thrown back in complete abandon, control relinquished as he gave himself over to the power of the moment. 

And then they were both still. Justin didn’t want to move, and couldn’t anyway, Brian's hands had found his hips and held him still, as he remained inside him.

It was several minutes before Justin lifted himself off of Brian and lay on his back, head on his own pillow.

Brian pulled off the condom and threw it in the trash and turned his body towards Justin. “That was so fucking Hot”

Justin smiled.  
Brian glanced down to see that Justin still had a hard on of his own, and moved his head down towards the engorged member to relive the pressure. Justin was now the one with his head thrown back; moaning loudly and Brian's magical tongue did things that were indescribably agonizingly perfectly orgasmic. Brian tried to prolong the pleasure but Justin was too worked up and came quickly, calling out Brian's name in a manner that was both pleading and grateful at the same time. 

When they were both laying back on the bed, sated and relaxed, simply enjoying the feel of their bodies, touching gently at the hips, Justin's head tilted slightly so that it was in contact with Brian's, cool air gliding over their sweaty bodies. Brian rolled onto his side, propping himself up on one arm, he was about to lean over to kiss Justin when he saw Justin's right hand laying against his chest. 

He lifted it up.  
“What the fuck happened?”  
Justin tried to pull it away but Brian held tight. “Brian, that hurts”  
“Yeah it looks like it does. You’re supposed to go easy on it.”  
Brian hadn’t seen his hand this bad since the first few weeks after the bashing, and while he knew it still sometimes gave him problems, he was concerned at how claw like it looked. “Straighten you fingers out.”  
Justin looked at him, trying again to pull his wrist back from Brian's grasp, still to no avail.  
“Straighten your fingers out.” Brian repeated  
“It’ll be fine once I shower, I just overworked it a little last night”  
“Yeah, you’ve been overworking yourself a lot lately, seems to be your constant excuse, what happened to taking it a little easier, taking care of yourself AND your art?”  
“There’s a lot at stake Brian, this show has to go perfectly.” He was still trying to pull his hand away, but Brian refused to relinquish it.  
“There’s a lot at stake Justin, that’s for damn sure, but are you really willing to risk not being able to work again?”  
“Brian, this is a total over reaction, come on, come take a shower with me and I’ll show you how very loose my hand can get.” Justin said, licking his lips suggestively.

Brian knew that maneuver, he’d taught it to him, the “look, we’ll have hot sex and then not discuss whatever we were discussing” move, was one of the first things he’d taught the kid, pretty much right after what a rim job was and right before the many uses of ice cubes. He sighed and followed Justin to the shower, adding the hand thing to the alarmingly increasing list of self-care issues that Justin was refusing to acknowledge. 

It was forty five minutes before they were out of the shower, and Justin's hand did seem to be fine, full dexterity, as he’d proven twice before turning off the water and heading down to breakfast.

Justin was pissed. He had forgotten to soak his hand, forgotten to hide it better, and Brian had seen it. It had cost him a lot to hide how much it hurt this morning, but he had proven to Brian that a hot shower was all he needed to be back to fully functional. Still he recognized that he was going to have to put a little more effort into seeming okay, or Brian would start his overprotective thing, it wasn’t something he did often, and it was never overt, sometimes Justin actually thought that Brian believed that no one knew what he was doing, and maybe Michael never figured it out, and maybe Lindsay didn’t see it, but Justin was on to him, and knew when his casual questions were masking a deeper concern.

He made a great show of cooking breakfast and joining Brian to eat. Granted he had to rinse out every bowl and pan before use because of the dust, and they had to eat in the den, but that is after all why they’d bought a table and chairs for this corner of the room. Sitting across from Brian and casually chewing and swallowing as if it weren’t killing him to do so. Justin held it together until Brian left for work. He kissed him deeply, and sent him on his way, and as soon as the car was out of the driveway he sat back down on the couch and began to cry. 

He couldn’t stop. He was tired, he was sore, his hand was killing him, and he knew he had a lot more work to do today before he could rest again. Almost an hour later the contractors started to file in and he wiped his eyes splashed some cold water on his face and cleaned up the kitchen, then he locked himself in the studio, cracking every knuckle in his hand twice before resuming his work from last night. About a half an hour later he threw a water bottle across the room in frustration and went through the ritual of cracking the knuckles again. When the nausea hit him he rushed to the bathroom just in time and was aggravated that he hadn’t even been able to hold down a couple of fucking eggs. If he lost more weight Brian was going to…

He wasn’t quite sure what Brian was going to do except not be happy, and after all this time, all he really wanted was to finish this fucking art show and make Brian happy, and now it looked like he wasn’t going to be able to do either. He gave up and took half a percoset, just enough to take the edge off of the pain and he had a couple of cigarettes, waiting for the pill to take effect.

Finally he got to work, the details on this had to be just right or there was no point in presenting it. As he started working his breathing slowed, his heart rate lowered to normal and soon he was too intent on the work he was doing to hear the phone ring.

Brian tried to reach Justin, hoping he could entice him to meet in the city for dinner but there was no answer. He wasn’t particularly surprised, the way he concentrated while working, often with music blaring in the background he was more surprised when he DID answer the phone, still he felt like celebrating, the Rapkins people had loved his pitch. 

It had been difficult to get the creative team on board because it was such a departure from his usual method of going straight for the groin, but this time he went in a more emotional direction.   
Photos of empty kitchen and dining room tables, juxtaposed with tables of laughing smiling diverse groups of people, couples, families, etc.

The pictures all had the same copy  
“Where everyone’s family…and there’s always pie.”

Rapkins loved it. He explained the marketing plan, that they’d advertise in alternative manners, reminding the after hours crowd that Rapkins was open 24 hours, Giving those who wanted to meet up with friends an option that wasn’t so coated in atmospheric décor that conversation became difficult. 

He had gotten the idea when Justin had mentioned the diner, after all, there was nothing special about the diner, far from it, the food was mediocre at best, the lemon bars were questionable and the service well, it was really only enjoyable if you were there more for the company than the service itself, and that’s what Rapkins was to become, a liberty diner for middle America, with pie.

Brian was feeling on top of the world. When he got home Justin was of course in his studio. When Justin opened the door, Brian gave him the good news and his beautiful blonde gave him that 1000-watt smile. 

“So I’m taking you out to dinner.”  
Justin felt a pang but pushed it away, he wanted to make Brian happy, he could let the painting sit for a few hours. “We don’t have to go to Rapkins do we?”   
Brian laughed out loud “That would hardly be a celebration worthy of a 25 million dollar account now would it?”  
Justin smiled wider “25 million, does that mean we can get the custom bead board for the kitchen?”  
“We were already gonna do that.”  
“We were?  
“Have I said no to you yet on this entire monstrous renovation?”  
“Justin leaned in and kissed him on the nose, the only safe place to touch him while Brian was still in his work cloths and Justin was covered in paint.

Let me take a shower and we’ll go celebrate Justin said, practically bouncing up the stairs. 

Brian watched him go and then poured himself a drink. Justin had really scared him for the past couple of days, but he had finally, Brian concluded, scared himself.

Justin took as long as he could in the shower while he tried to get his breathing under control. He dressed quickly and took a deep breath, he even wore the Prada shoes that Brian loved on him and when he came down stairs he knew his efforts were worth it. Brian’s look was animal, predatory, and hot.

He backed Justin onto the couch and it was almost an hour before they were both dressed again and actually headed out for dinner.

The next few weeks went by almost too quickly. Brian was swamped with two new accounts plus the very demanding Rapkins representative. Justin was working almost non-stop in the studio, but he was getting a lot accomplished. And things seemed to be better as far as Justin's health. No more issues with his hand, he joined Brian for breakfast as often as not, and was usually in bed by four am, granted this meant that he was only getting three or four hours of sleep a night but he told Brian he was also napping during the day, when the light wasn’t right.

The great room was actually beginning to look both great and like a room, the kitchen cabinetry was complete and the tile finished, all that was left was to have the new appliances delivered. Gus’s room was almost finished, the bed was on back order, and JR’s room was everything any princess could ask for, Justin had actually taken a couple days away from the studio to paint a mural on the wall for her.

He’d hand painted the road on the wall of Gus’s room, so that when the racecar bed arrived it would actually look like it was driving off down a highway.

The guest rooms were painted, and guest baths almost completed, all that was left was the delivery of furniture and accessories.  
_______________________________________________________________

Brian held up two shirts, cocking an eyebrow questioningly  
Justin pointed to the russet colored one on the left. Brian put it in his suitcase, and then shrugged and put the blue one in as well. Justin laughed, as he shoved a couple of pairs of jeans and a few t-shirts into his duffle bag. 

They were going to New York for one of his mandatory appearances at the gallery. Justin was nervous, not just that his art wouldn’t sell but that Brian would recognize what the painting was actually of. He wasn’t sure if even Brian’s ego could take seeing his own eye 10 feet tall. After the show they were flying straight into Toronto to visit Gus, and Mel and Lindz and JR, they’d only be gone five days but Justin wasn’t quite sure how he was going to handle it.

When Brian was busy, which he had been for the last several weeks, it was easy to convince him that everything was fine. Easy to take a muscle relaxer at night to ease the cramp in his hand, easy to eat, and focus on keeping the food down for as long as possible. That was his new trick. He focused on simply NOT vomiting for as long as he could, allowing his body to absorb whatever nutrients it could before it all came back up. Sometimes he even held down an entire meal, but not usually.

He told Brian stories about Daphne and her new boyfriend, they weren’t true but Brian worried less when he thought Justin was staying in touch with his friends. He called his mother at least once a week to tell her he was fine, and he allowed Brian five times, in the past three weeks to drag him to the diner or Debbies house at some point. 

He seemed for all intents and purposes to be over the hump, and as a result Brian had relaxed, had stopped grilling him about his sleeping patterns or his eating patterns. He had learned how to hide those attacks that woke him up in the middle of the night. He was holding it together and more importantly Brian thought he was just fine.

Brian packed a few of Justin's nicer things in his suitcase, because Justin was incapable of packing anything without it becoming a wrinkled mess. Also because he wasn’t stupid, he knew Justin would use any excuse to not leave the hotel or Mel and Lindz’s and not having anything to wear wasn’t going to be one of them.

Justin was doing better, he was eating and sleeping some, but he still woke up in the middle of the night with panic attacks, and his nightmares were getting worse. Brian knew that Justin thought he had him fooled. Each time he’d sit bolt upright in bed, and go to the bathroom as if the sound of running water covered the sound of vomiting and crying. Brian had tried to approach him about it once and he had denied it outright, he couldn’t force Justin to talk about it, but he was annoyed that he was lying. He worked so hard to make it seem like he was fine, and Brian wasn’t stupid, he knew he wasn’t. He saw him massaging his fingers when he thought Brian wasn’t looking. He’d become a master at looking like he’d eaten something when all he’d done was push the food around on the plate, and Brian had noticed that about two weeks ago, he’d added an ingredient to his cigarette and water diet, and that was scotch. 

He didn’t care if Justin drank, hell, he was one to talk, but how much pain management could one body take on three hours of fitful sleep a night?

This vacation would be good for the both of them. Brian had been working hard at Kinnetic and was actually looking forward to Justin being in the spotlight. Maybe then he could understand his value enough to start taking care of himself as if he were valuable. As it stood now, he seemed to be more worried about getting the house finished and the show finished then he was about his own health.

When they had finally finished packing everything they needed for the hip art scene in New York and the Lesbionic family life of Toronto they took the car to the airport.

“Brian”  
”yes Justin”  
“Can you tell me what you’re going to take BEFORE we get on the plane this time?”  
Brian laughed.


	12. All Mistakes are Temporary

It was the same suite as the Barney’s trip.   
“We’re back in the world of room service and big soft beds.”  
“Yep, so no tortured starving artist crap, okay?”  
Justin held up two fingers “Scouts honor.”  
“Christ, were you really a scout?”  
Justin blushed, “Only for a couple of years, then I got more interested in drawing than tying knots.”  
“I don’t know, there’s a lot to be said for being able to tie a good strong knot.” Brian spoke the words slowly, suggestively, leaning in close as he finished the sentence  
“Hmmm, I guess I’ll have to give it a try sometime then.” Justin replied, “Might be interesting to see what happens when you have no control at all.”  
“Not gonna happen.” Brian replied casually  
“We’ll see”  
Brian just looked at him, and then laughed “So what time is your meeting at the gallery tomorrow?”  
“Not ‘til two, and then the show is Friday, are you sure you want to go, you don’t have to you know.”  
Brian pretended to ponder the question “hmmm, see my brilliant…Justin being honored for his incredible talent, or sit alone in a hotel room watching hetero porn, I’ll let you know.”  
Justin gave him an annoyed look “There are clubs in New York, and I hear there are even a few worthwhile places to shop, I wasn’t suggesting you sit alone in the hotel.”  
“Oh, I see, so I should go out clubbing while you get hit on by every art critic in New York?”  
“Are you worried some pretentious asshole is going to sweep me off my feet and steal me away from you?” Justin smirked.  
”No, because I’m going to be there to make sure that doesn’t happen.”  
“Brian” it was half whine half laugh.  
“Relax sunshine, I WANT to see your work, and as for pretentious art critics, I give you more credit than that.”  
“So you’re really sure you want to go with me? I mean I’m gonna have to circulate and…”  
Brian leaned in and shut him up with a kiss, “I’m going to be at your art show, the proud…Brian of the most talented artist the town has seen in years.” and then when you’ve schmoozed the last person, and drank the last glass of cheap champagne, and ate the last stale canapé I’m going to bring you back here to this very room, strip off every item of clothing, and fuck you until you can’t remember a single name or number that was pressed into your hand.”  
“Do I have to go?”  
“Yes, you are contractually obligated to attend.”  
“Stupid contractual obligations”  
“You know, you’re not contractually obligated to be anywhere tonight.”  
“Really?”  
”Really.”  
So what do you want to do?  
“I want to go out dancing.”  
Brian looked at him as if he’d suggested they try going straight. “Really?”  
“Really, it’s been so long since we’ve gone dancing, and I never really got a chance to hit the clubs, any of the times I’ve been in New York.”  
“Well, you must have visited at least one or two when you were living here.”  
Justin wrinkled his nose, “didn’t interest me then.”  
“And it interests you now?”  
Justin shrugged, “Didn’t see the point then, I knew I wasn’t gonna find you there.  
Brian tried to absorb this, he had always assumed that Justin had merely glossed over guys he’d seen and done in New York, he was now beginning to realize that Justin may have actually spent the entire time painting, and sleeping on an uncomfortable sofa.

“So we go dancing.”  
“Well it’s still early”  
Brian looked at his watch; it was only 8, far to early for anything but trolls and losers. “You’re right…hmmm, how to kill the time.”  
Justin smiled “I say we crack open the mini bar, and relax.”  
“You know, you really are very smart…for your age”  
Justin stuck his tongue out at Brian bouncing over to the mini bar, threw him a couple of tiny bottles, and grabbed a few for himself. They spent the next couple of hours developing a nice buzz, and fucking.

The club was, well, it was a club, loud, hot, with a beat that hit you in the solar plexus. Over priced drinks and hot guys cruising the both of them, separately and together. They hadn’t discussed it but both seemed content to dance with each other. Brian was somewhat gratified to see that even after all this time, (six months, Christ it felt like longer), the two of them still drew stares when they danced together. 

It was more than Justin's Twinkie goodness, and more than his confident swagger, together, they were something else entirely, and it felt good to move together, to separate and dance with others only to return to one another a few songs later. 

Justin pulled a popper out of his pocket and Brian looked surprised, although he shouldn’t have, hell, he just learned today the kid was a boy scout, and here he was, prepared.

The hazy buzz of amyl nitrate, combined with excessive amounts of scotch and the site of Justin, smiling, carefree, exuberant made him pull the boy closer, and then pull him off the dance floor altogether.

It was a practiced dance that they had done so long ago, as he would usher Justin into a back room but it had been a while and for some reason he was slightly more tentative, he needn’t have been, Justin followed him gladly, and as Brian pushed him against a wall, pushing Justin’s pants down off his hips, kissing his neck, it felt familiar and new and exciting at the same time, and Brian remembered why he loved this. He knew, with all the bullshit that had gone on in the past couple of months that he should be analyzing Justin's actions more, figuring out why a kid who’s been practically a hermit suddenly wants back into the club scene, but right now, at this moment, all he wants is to bury himself deep inside him.

He pins Justin's arms above his head, and hears him moan, opening the condom wrapper with his teeth he slides it on in a well-practiced motion. His cock is throbbing and he pushes slowly, just hitting the rim of Justin's ass. Justin moans louder, his forehead against the wall, his arms above his head, pushing back trying to take more of him inside, but Brian savors the moment, moving just the head in, and then pulling out, he hears Justin whimper and he leans in, kissing his neck where it meets his shoulder, nipping at the sensitive skin there.

“Tell me what you want,”  
“I want you,”  
“What do you want me to do?”  
”Fuck me.”  
“What?” Brian nipped a little harder and Justin moaned louder  
“FUCK ME!”  
A few heads turn but Brian just smiled and pushed deeper into him, he pressed his body against Justin's, pinning him to the wall for a moment allowing Justin a moment to adjust to the feeling of being filled by him.

Then he pulls back and begins in earnest, pounding into him, hard and steady, Justin pushing back meeting his every thrust, Brian keeps his arms pinned and Justin struggles just a little because he wants to come, wants to touch himself. “I’ll do it for you” Brian says, and with his free hand grasps Justin's weeping cock. He presses his thumb against the slit, as he thrusts deeply into him and Justin moans his name “Brian” and then he matches his thrusts to his hand motions as he runs his hand from the base of Justin's cock to the tip and back again, running a finger around the head as if it were his tongue. 

Brian loves this part, the part where he’s in control, the part where Justin doesn’t want anything but more of Brian's touch, and finally, he speeds up his motions and they come together, both throwing their heads back as if in a choreographed dance and as soon as Justin shoots all over the wall Brian releases his hands, and pulls out of him.

Justin turns around quickly, kissing Brian so hard he almost falls backwards. His legs are wrapped around Brian's waist and the taller man takes a step forward, leaning Justin against the wall for support as he continues to kiss him. Eventually Justin thighs release their grip on Brian's waist and he lowers his feet to the ground. He throws his head back and laughs. I thought my knees were gonna buckle. Brian just looks at him. Justin tilts his head and looks back “What?”  
“You are fucking hot”  
Justin smiles, “Dance with me.” they straighten their clothes, and spend the next hour entwined together, hypnotized by the strobe lights, the thumpa thumpa, each others eyes, and the musky scent of one another, and at four in the morning they stagger back to the hotel to fall asleep, spent and exhausted.

Justin wakes up first, but not with an anxiety attack, with a smile. He had originally suggested the club to show Brian he wasn’t a hermit, and to give Brian a chance to release, to just forget everything. He knew there were too many memories in the small gay community of Pittsburgh for Brian to really feel that same freedom that would come with the anonymity of a club elsewhere. What he hadn’t counted on is how much he had needed it, or at least wanted it. He had been scared to death but Brian would be there, nothing to bad could happen if Brian was there, and then they were just… back, like they were so long ago, happy, carefree, dancing, watching men gaze enviously at them, and the back room, Justin had forgotten how good raw sex based on drugs and need could be, and suddenly realized why Brian thought people who gave this up forever were idiots.

No, he didn’t want to dance every night, but every once in a while, it was nice to just lose yourself in the crowd, in the movement, in the beat, in the heady scent of sex and beer and catty gossip. Last night had been good for him and now if he could just get through today, this meeting, and tomorrow, the show, he would, he swore to himself, take better care of himself, stop being so pathetically afraid all the time, and let go of his death grip on Brian.

Brian opened his eyes slowly, his head feeling as if it were weighted down. He moaned a little and threw his arm over his eyes to block out the daylight. “Christ” he thought to himself, “Am I actually getting too old for this?” Then he smelled coffee, and heard Justin, “c’mon old man, you’ll feel better if you drink this.” He sat up to be rewarded with a mug of coffee just the way he liked it, black with about a pound of sugar. 

“Last night was fun.”  
Brian nodded silently, not actually ready for conversation  
Justin seeing Brian's need for a little morning silence kissed him on the forehead and grabbed his sketchbook.   
Brian glanced over at the blonde, who looked no worse for wear, and realized that there was to be another entry in the “moments I’d rather not have captured” section of Justin's sketches. “Why don’t you wait until I’m showered and dressed before you immortalize me?”  
”Because that’s boring, I like it when your face is all smooshed from the pillow, and your hair is kinda everywhere and you can barely keep your eyes open or your head up.”

“You’re a freak.”  
“Well, I was taught by the best.”  
Brian snorted, the closest he was going to get to a laugh until the caffeine did it’s magic. He held up the mug of coffee “Thanks.”  
Brian glanced at his watch, it was noon, they still had a little time before Justin was due at the gallery. “Come here”  
Justin put down his pencil and pad and walked over to him, wearing only the hotel robe, looking for all the world as he had the day Brian had found him the first time he’d run away.  
Justin, sensing what Brian wanted, dropped the robe to the floor. Brian put the coffee mug down, and pulled Justin by the arm until his naked body fell on top of his. 

They were running a little late when they finally got to the gallery.

Brian hung back, watching Justin, who seemed intent on convincing Ranston of something. 

“It’s upside down.”  
“Not a problem we can fix that. I’d like for you to be here on Saturday as well, if that’s possible.”  
“I’m sorry, I have to be in Toronto on Saturday, but I’ll be back in a month or two for another appearance.”  
“There are going to be some very important people here tomorrow.”  
“And I’ll be here as promised, circulating and schmoozing.” Justin threw the gallery owner a sunshine smile, “So can I see what other pieces are going to be in the show?”  
Ranston put his arm across Justin's shoulder and led him around to the back of the gallery where some of the other artists’ work that would be featured was being stored.

Brian watched Justin carefully, he could see a tight pulled look in his face, a sure sign of nerves, and then he watched him give that Ranston guy that smile, and he pretended that it didn’t bother him. It was harder to pretend that he was okay watching the gallery manager so casually drape himself around Justin and lead him away. Brian took a deep breath, reminding himself that this was part of the deal.

Justin was so absorbed in the other artists’ work that he lost track of time, it was almost two hours later when he emerged from the back room. His eyes searched the gallery franticly and he began to panic when he couldn’t find Brian. 

He glanced at his watch and realized just how long he’d been back there “oh god, he left, he just left.” Justin closed his eyes, and tried to breathe but the air wouldn’t come, his throat was closed, his mouth dry, his heart was racing; he was going to pass out. He was standing in the middle of the gallery, white walls spinning around him when Brian walked in.

Brian’s eyes found Justin immediately, “about fucking time.” He thought to himself, and then he really focused on him, “shit” his long legs covered the space between them in moments, and Justin was buried into his chest breathing deeply before he was even sure what was happening.

When Justin saw Brian he thought he was imagining it, he was dizzy, and felt like he was about to fall, but he couldn’t move, he was cemented to the floor. But then he felt Brian's arms around him, and Justin breathed, inhaling the scent of Brian burying his head into Brian's chest.

Brian said nothing; he just kept his arm around Justin as the left the studio and walked a couple of blocks. Once Justin seemed to have calmed a bit he held him at arms length. “Are you okay? What happened?”  
“You were gone.”  
“I went out for a cigarette, you were back there for two hours. Justin what happened, did he…”  
“He?”  
“The gallery guy”  
“Did he what?”  
Brian was still a bit shaken, Justin had looked like he was about to collapse, unheeded tears had been streaming down his face, and he seemed so desperate when they finally came together, he couldn’t help but wonder if that fucker Ranston had hurt Justin. His stomach knotted at the thought, his jaw clenched.  
“Did he hurt you?”  
Justin looked at him confused “Ranston?, why would he hurt me?”  
Brian rolled his eyes, “what the fuck Justin, I go out for a cigarette, I walk back in and you’re crying, looking like all the blood has drained from your body, tell me what happened” this last part he said more quietly, realizing that Justin was still upset.  
Justin inhaled a ragged breath. Nothing happened, I was looking at the other stuff that was gonna be in the show, and I lost track of time, I guess I just freaked when I realized how long I’d been back there…”  
“And that I wasn’t there. Did you think I left?”  
Justin looked down, embarrassed, realizing this was probably the stupidest reason to be upset ever.  
“Look at me Justin”  
“Justin raised his eyes slowly”  
“Did you think I left, just walked out without a word?”  
”Yes”  
“Do you really think I’d do that?”  
“No”  
“Then what’s with the drama queen tears?”  
“Just practicing I guess, in case something bad actually happens.” Justin tried to smile, to turn this back into something light and funny.  
Brian pulled Justin towards him, draping his arm protectively around his shoulder, “Tell you what, why don’t we go buy something insanely expensive and almost as pretty as me, and then go back to the hotel for some really hot…room service.”  
Justin laughed and said, “you think there are things almost as pretty as you?”  
Brian leaned in and kissed him “there’s you”  
And Justin swallowed hard and forced himself to simply repress any more feelings of doubt he had at the moment. He was with Brian, the show would be fine and then they could get out of New York.  
“We could go to FAO Schwartz and spend a ridiculous amount of money on your son and his sister, maybe even buy something for Sam.”  
Brian smiled, “Excellent plan, lets go spoil the kids rotten.”

The room was now cluttered with toys. Brian had gone overboard at the toy store, but he couldn’t resist. Justin had been almost happy, except for the tightness around his smile, he was genuinely enjoying picking things out for Gus and JR.

“We’re going to have to pay extra to get all this stuff on the plane you know”  
Brian just looked at him I just spent a couple grand on stuffed monkeys and dancing giraffes, you think I care what it’s gonna cost to get them there?”  
Justin shrugged, “Mel’s gonna have a fit.”   
“Yeah well that’s not new. You ready?”  
”Ready as I’ll ever be. Have I mentioned that I hate these things?”  
”About fifteen times in the last half hour”  
“Well, it bears repeating”  
“Just remember, schmooze, champagne, canapés, home, fucking you senseless.”  
Justin reached up and snaked his arms around Brian, “don’t wander too far tonight?”  
”It’ll be like I’m your personal body guard” Brian emphasized his statement by running his hands up and down Justin's body, watching his eyes dilate with desire. He bent his head to give him a kiss on the forehead and then smacked his ass, “Now lets go.”

The show was uneventful, Brian managed to hover even from the other side of the room, wandering casually around and never quite taking his eyes of Justin. He watched him smile, shake hands, shove cards into his pocket as they were handed to him by art critics, art aficionados, and of course, the more than occasional guy who was just cruising the hot new artist. Justin paid little attention to any of the cards, just jammed them into his pockets and moved on. He constantly had a glass of champagne in his hand, and Brian noticed he didn’t eat, but fuck, who would eat these disgusting hors devours. Finally hours later the last guest was gone, and Ranston shook Justin's hand, kissed his cheek, and Brian came up behind Justin his arms draped over his shoulders. Justin intertwined his fingers with Brian's and turned his head to kiss the only person who had kept him from falling apart this evening, even though they hadn’t spoken a word to each other in hours. 

“Ready to get out of here?”  
“Mmmmmm, you know I drank the champagne and scmoozed the critics, now you have to keep up your end of the bargain.” Justin emphasized the point by pushing himself back against Brian's body, feeling Brian's almost instantaneous arousal.  
“Damn contractual obligations.” Brian grumbled. 

And they headed back to the hotel room.


	13. All Mistakes are Temporary

Chapter 13

The plane landed in Toronto at a little after nine on Saturday morning. By the time they’d rented a car, managed to get all of the toys packed into it, and arrived at Mel and Lindz’s it was well past noon.

Brian got out of the car and was immediately greeted by a blur of brown hair that attached itself to his legs calling “daddy daddy daddy” Brian smiled, and winced a little at the feel of the boys cast slamming against the back of his knee.

He bent down to pick up Gus, “Hey sonny-boy.”

“Daddy, you’re here!”  
“Where else would I be?”  
Gus seemed to ponder this for a moment, and then smiled “Away. But now you’re not away. You’re here.” Gus then looked over at his mommies who were both hugging Justin hello. Justin was holding JR by the time Brian approached the group.

Lindsay hugged Brian while he was still holding Gus, and then took a step back, beaming at the both of them.

“Gus, why don’t you let daddy and Justin bring their things in from the car, and then you can show him your new room.”  
“K” Gus wriggled until Brian put him down and laughed as the kid ran full speed towards a tire swing beside the house. “He’s fast.”  
“He’s in a hurry to do everything” Lindsay replied, reminds me of someone I know.

Brian took JR from Justin, “Christ, he looks like Michael, he’s got his nose”  
‘Hi Brian” Melanie said as she removed JR from Brian's arms.  
“Hey Melanie.” Brian replied, relinquishing the girl.

The house seemed bigger inside than it appeared fro the exterior. The house in Pittsburgh had been somewhat cramped. This was large with an open floor plan. 

He and Justin unloaded the car, and sat quietly as they listened to Gus squeal with delight at all his new toys, and Melanie and Lindsay admonish Brian for spoiling him.

“Well, if I don’t spoil my sonny-boy, who will?”  
”His parents” Mel said with a little more force than necessary. Brian was about to say something back when a hand on his knee from Justin and a glare from Lindsay made him reconsider. He shrugged, “We were bored, we killed some time.”

“So Gus, you want to show me your room?”  
Gus was entranced with a video learning system he’d just received and looked up at his dad and seemed to consider the question. “We can’t right now, Sam is taking a nap.” Brian nodded, and Justin moved down to the floor to play with Gus.

“So, have you two eaten?” Lindsay asked.  
“No, we had to leave early, I’m going to have to kill Cynthia, she knows I hate morning flights.”  
“You’re just mad because we got interrupted this morning.”  
Brian nodded, “Fucking bellman.”  
“Brian, language.” Lindsay gave him a look.  
“You told them to come get our stuff at seven.”   
“Who knew they were going to be on time?”  
Lindsay laughed, “Honestly you two, don’t you ever take a break?”  
Brian’s face, while pretending to consider the question, looked remarkably like Gus’s, “No.”  
Well, let me at least make you some sandwiches, so you can keep your strength up.  
Lindsay headed off to the kitchen.

Brian followed her.

“So how are you doing really?” he asked, sitting on a kitchen chair and propping his feet up on another.

Lindsay looked at him oddly, “Fine, I’ve been telling you we’re doing fine for a while, why do you keep acting like you don’t believe me?”  
“Because I know you.”  
“Brian, nothing’s wrong, it was a big move, and we’re adjusting, everything is…”  
“Fine.” Brian finished for her.   
“Yes, now could you please take these out to the table.” she turned and handed him a couple of bowls filled with potato salad and something else that Brian wasn’t going to touch, but he shrugged and put them on the table.

Gus was so busy telling the entire history of his day during lunch that he barely ate, apparently he and Sam had had several astounding adventures involving hiding under bushes, and running through a river, and chasing a rabbit for miles. 

Brian listened attentively. He pretended not to notice that Justin barely ate his sandwich, but did manage to pull it apart and make it appear as if he had. 

He hadn’t pressed the food issue in New York, knowing that Justin’s eating habits were directly related to stress and the show had thrown him off his game. But the piece had sold, for a higher price than expected. Brian had recognized what it was the moment he’d seen it. You can’t spend as many hours as Brian Kinney did staring into the mirror without recognizing your own eye when it was staring back at you ten feet high. It amused him that someone now had him perpetually staring at them from their wall, but it amused him more that they had paid over 20 grand for the honor. He didn’t mention the subject matter to Justin. But he was starting to get an idea of how much the artist had obsessed over him while in New York.

He looked over at Gus, who was still talking while Lindsay was trying to get him to eat something. She tucked her hair behind her ear as she tried to entice him to try a carrot stick.

“What the hell is that?”  
Lindsay looked up quickly, and Brian put his hand on the spot where her jaw and neck met, there was a dark purple bruise. Lindsay pulled his hand away and moved her hair back to cover it, laughing “someone was a little overzealous with the hugging while wearing his cast.”  
“But mommy…” Gus said  
“Oh honey, it’s okay I know it was an accident.” And she picked Gus up and said, do you think Sam is awake yet?”  
Gus grabbed Brian and Justin's hands and dragged the upstairs, the house was sparsely furnished downstairs and the upstairs was in a similar state. Gus had bunk beds, “Sam sleeps on the top one and I get the bottom one which is cooler ‘cause it’s like a fort.”   
Mel had already taken Justin and Brian’s bags up to the spare bedroom, which was outfitted simply with a bed and a single dresser.   
“We’re back to tortured starving artist world,” Brian whispered into Justin's ear. Justin laughed and they continued to listen to Gus prattle on about Sam and his dog and the mean monster that they had narrowly escaped.

He sat on Gus’s bed and listened to him go on about how loud the monster got at night. Gus climbed up and sat next to him on the bed, telling him a long story about the return of the Jedi, and Brian nodded and “mmmmmm hmmm’d” at the appropriate times. When Justin popped his head in on them twenty minutes later they were both sprawled half on and half off the bed asleep. Gus was pressed against his father’s chest, Brian's arm laying half off the bed and serving as a pillow for his son.

Quietly Justin grabbed his sketchpad and pencil from his bag and sat at the door, capturing the moment.

Lindsay walked by smiling at the vignette on her way downstairs.

“Well Brian hasn’t changed much” Melanie said as she began picking up and trying to find a place for all of the things they’d brought for Gus and JR.  
“Mel, he hardly ever gets to see him, and he just wants Gus to know he’s loved.”  
“He is loved, buy US, his parents, you and me, why the fuck did he even have to come up here?”  
”Mel, Gus is his son, and Brian has changed, a lot. Did you see the way he was with Gus, and with Justin, he’s softened.”  
“Why do I even bother, you always take that asshole’s side.”  
“Mel that’s not fair”  
“And what is fair, is it fair that we had to leave the fucking country, is it fair that they won’t let me practice law, is it fair that Brian fucking Kinney can provide for us and our kids when I can’t?”  
“Can’t we just be grateful that he’s willing to help?”  
”No, I can’t be grateful, I… You know what, FUCK THIS.”  
And with that Mel left, slamming the door behind her.

The sound of the slamming door woke Gus and his father. They both had the same groggy reaction, sitting up quickly. This of course caused Brian to hit his head on the upper bunk “FU…dge” He rubbed the spot he’d hit. 

What was that noise?  
“That was mommy leaving” Gus said, “She leaves loud sometimes.”

Justin stood up and took his sketch into the bedroom to finish from memory while it was still fresh and Brian and Gus downstairs.

“Everything…”  
“Brian, if you ask me if everything’s okay I’m going to scream so just don’t”  
Lindsay was on the verge of tears.

“Hey Gus, why don’t you go upstairs and Justin will give you some paper and you can draw with him okay?”  
“K”  
Gus ran up the stairs.  
Brian sat on the couch next to Lindsay, pulled her to him and she rested her head on his shoulder.   
“Is the big bad Mel in a mood?”  
“Yes”  
“Is the big bad Mel mad that I’m here?”  
”Yes”  
“Is the big bad Mel gonna have to just get over it?”  
Lindsay laughed, “Yes”  
Well then, that’s settled, “So what the fuck is up with you two?”  
I’ve told you, she’s stressed, Brian it’s nothing. Brian nodded “If you say so.”  
“I do.”

The rest of the visit went more smoothly. Melanie kept her temper in check, Gus and Sam were inseparable for the moment and Justin seemed to be pretty relaxed, for Justin. 

There had only been one incident, a nightmare, causing him to accidentally wake Brian up by sitting up too quickly, not realizing where his hand had landed he basically punched Brian in the solar plexus. Brian had soothed him back to sleep and the next morning Justin didn’t even seem to have a memory of the event.

Justin hugged and kissed Mel and Lindz goodbye trying not to cry when Gus was sobbing while saying goodbye to Brian, but he only held out until they got into the car. 

“You okay there?”  
”Yeah, I just…already miss him” he’s so like you Brian  
“Yeah but you’ve already got me, could you really deal with TWO of me?”  
Justin leaned over and nuzzled into Brian's neck kissing him softly, I’ve missed you too.  
They were late getting the car back, and they were both a bit disheveled when they finally got on the plane, but their smiles were wide, and Brian didn’t get nearly as drunk this time, because it’s hard to drink when there’s a beautiful blonde who refuses to remove his tongue from your mouth or his hand from your pants.

 

“It’s good to be home”  
“It would be better if home weren’t a construction site”  
“They say they’ll be done in two weeks”  
Brian snorted, “That’s what they told me when they started, two months ago”  
“But you didn’t believe them then”  
“And I should believe them now?”  
”It’ll be done for the housewarming right?”  
”I suppose, if not, it’ll be one of Emmett’s amazing theme parties, something with everyone dressed in hard hats and work boots.”  
“How very village people.”  
“We have to meet with Gregory tomorrow to finalize some things”  
“do I have to be there?”  
“Only if you want any say in the furniture for the great room, or the entire design of the bedroom.”  
“Tomorrow?”  
“You got a hot date?”  
”No I was just hoping to get some serious studio time in today and tomorrow, It’s been almost a week”  
“It’s been four days.”  
“That’s more than half a week.”  
Brian rolled his eyes, “okay, but then I’m going with the all black walls and the leopard print duvet.”  
Justin elbowed his chest lightly, and Brian winced, since he managed to hit the exact spot he’d bruised at Mel and Lindz's. “Whoops, sorry.”  
“‘Sokay, just watch your hands next time you wake up screaming, or you could hurt something really important.”  
“I wasn’t screaming, I was just a little nervous.”  
“A little nervous? That’s a lovely revisionist history lesson you’re giving me”  
“Okay maybe I was scared”  
“Of what?”  
”I don’t wan to talk about it”  
“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.”  
“It was a nightmare, I get them sometimes, you know that, it’s part of my charm” Justin smiled a close-lipped little grin that always amused Brian.  
“Yeah, you’re fucking charming, and strong.”   
Justin leaned in and kissed the spot “Better?”  
”Mmmmmm, but now it hurts, lower”   
Justin locked his eyes on Brian while he kissed Brian's abdomen, loving the feel of the muscles involuntarily contracting at the sensation. “How’s that?”  
”The pain just keeps moving lower.”  
Justin smiled and moved his head under the blanket, swirling his tongue lightly around the head of Brian's cock. He repositioned himself for a better angle and began to lick and suck just the head until Brian growled. He knew Brian wanted more, but he was determined to go slow, to make him wait, to get him to ask for what he wanted directly. And so Justin didn’t speed up at all. He licked, and swirled, eventually he ran his tongue down the shaft, flicking it and then ran it back up the other side. Finally he took the whole head into his mouth again, but refused to touch any other part of Brian or take him any deeper. He felt Brian move and lifted his head to prevent him from thrusting into his mouth. He continued the languid swirling of his tongue. 

Brian was getting aggravated, he leaned his head against the pillow, trying to lose himself in the feeling but he wanted more, and the fucking kid knew it. Justin was toying with him and he was not amused.

“God dammit Justin, fucking blow me!”

Justin lifted his head and raised an eyebrow “Ask me nicely.”  
Brian couldn’t believe the little fucker had the nerve. 

“You can have anything you want, all you have to do is, Ask. Me. Nicely.”  
Justin’s voice was syrupy sweet, he licked lightly again at the now purple head of Brian's hard cock.

Brian gritted his teeth “Please. Blow. Me.”  
Justin seemed to consider the option and ran his tongue across the slit, applying just a small amount of pressure making Brian gasp involuntarily.

Brian had half a mind to get up and finish himself off in the shower, but he couldn’t. Hell if he was gonna fucking beg for a blowjob. Then he looked down, Justin's eyes met his as his tongue shot out and performed another swirl.

Brian's voice was huskier now “I want you to blow me, please, I want to come in your mouth, I want to feel your lips on me, please. ”

Justin smiled “All you had to do was ask.” and then he went to work, sliding his lips all the way down until he hit the base of Brian's cock, feeling Brian actually slide down the back of his throat, he concentrated on a small swallow that made Brian practically buck. He continued his ministrations with tongue lips, and throat until he was sure Brian was ready, then his hand reached up and began to lightly fondle Brian's balls, delicate artists fingers working their magic, and Brian shot, moaning loudly. Justin wasn’t done.

He continued to lick gently at Brian's cock and balls; licking him clean and when he was sure the job was complete he climbed back up to the head of the bed and kissed Brian. “There is no way you’d choose black walls and a leopard print duvet.”  
“I might, you should probably come with me as you have much better taste than I do.”  
“Flattery this is new.”  
“I just don’t feel like hearing you bitch if you don’t like it”  
“What if I promise I won’t bitch?”  
“Shut up, you’re coming, now would you fucking untie my hands so I can get up and take a shower?”

Justin laughed, “told you that I could tie a good knot.”

 

The next day they met with Gregory at Brian's office. He had fabric samples for the furniture for the Great room and color palate suggestions for the bedroom. The boys were poring over these while Gregory tried to point out the benefits and down sides of each. They were agreeing on nothing and Justin just wanted to finish and get back to the studio, but his artist’s eye couldn’t resist the challenge that was finishing the house. It was the house of his dreams. It was the house Brian had bought when he had finally been willing to take a chance on love and Justin was scared to fuck it up.

Brian just wanted it done. He was sick of wearing shoes in the house, sick of the dust, sick of eating out because the kitchen appliances had been removed and the new ones weren’t due for another three days. He was grumpy and aggravated, and Gregory was a pretentious motherfucker.

He pointed to a set of fabrics; they were all in shades of red “these.”  
Justin shook his head, “We’ll hate them in a week, plus too trendy.”  
Brian shrugged, “these?” they were a deep plum color accented with cream  
Justin wrinkled his nose “My grandmother had her entire condo done in just those colors.”  
“These?” It was a pale yellow and Wedgwood blue.  
“Just no.” Justin replied “These.” he pointed it was saddle colored leather with bone and hunter green accents.  
“Little too hunt club for me.” Brian said  
Justin moved on… ”These?”  
Hmmm, Brian carefully considered them, the dark brown leather for the sofa with sage and cordovan velvet accents.  
“I like it.”  
“So do I.”  
“So,” Gregory asked, “Should I place the order?”  
“Yes” they spoke in unison. They’d spent hours choosing the style of the sofa, Brian's tastes still fell towards modern and Justin was still convinced that the modern look would go badly in the new house. He had given in on the den, because, well, it was loft like, and they both felt comfortable there, but for entertaining, and to make the house the showplace that Brian deserved, he had finally talked Brian into something just a little more traditional. 

Gregory was showing them the area rug and accent pieces he felt would best compliment their choices, and other than a small disagreement about the coffee table, the rest of the decisions went rather quickly.

But then they were back to the color schemes for the bedroom. There was in fact a black and leopard skin option that made them both smile, as they moved it directly to the NO pile. 

They were left with three possibilities after sorting through some of the horrific options Gregory had provided. Someone, somewhere, might want tangerine walls with a blueberry carpet, but it wasn’t what they were looking for.

They considered the three boards carefully, as the bed was already there, and had a light wood, modern art feel, Gregory was pushing for the white art gallery look, but even Brian had to admit that while he loved the clean lines, it looked more like a hospital room than anything else, and so they discarded the white as well.

That left them with the option of pewter textured walls, which Brian kind of liked and the one that Justin preferred, it was a soft celery color with accents in off white and light wood, that would compliment the bed nicely but be more warm and welcoming, according to Justin. In the end the bedroom was truly Brian’s domain, and so they went with the pewter walls and brushed nickel hardware on the pale wood furniture with modern lines.

Gregory breathed a sigh of relief; he could finally order what was needed for the two rooms that had given the couple the most difficulty. This project may actually be completed; he had begun having his doubts.

Decisions made, notes taken Gregory left to go place orders, argue with suppliers, and generally do whatever was necessary to keep Brian from destroying his career if the house wasn’t finished by the date of the house warming.

Brian looked at his watch; it was only 2:00 “Lets go grab some lunch at the diner.”  
“Mmmmmm, I’d love to”, Justin replied, “but I have to get…”  
“Back to the studio” Brian frowned  
“Brian, you promised you weren’t gonna give me any more shit about it as long as I took care of myself, and look”, he stood up and turned in a circle, “I slept, I’ve eaten, hand’s fine” he flexed his hand a couple of times to illustrate his point “so can I please go finish my art so I don’t have to admit that I’m a total fucking failure who can’t even get enough pieces together when offered his own show?”

Brian looked at him. “Okay, but Debbie’s gonna be pissed if she finds out you were a three blocks away and didn’t stop in and say hi.”  
“And if I stop in and say hi? How long do you think I have to stay before she lets me leave?”  
“Just keep me company for lunch, and then I promise, I’ll get you out of there, 45 minutes tops.”  
“Promise?”  
”45 minutes.”  
Justin sighed, “Okay, but I’m really not hungry”  
Brian looked at him, “I believe that, but it’s up to you to convince Debbie.”

They walked to the diner in silence, Justin was fighting the urge to run, back to his car, back to his studio, away from the noise of the diner, away from all the people who knew him too well, away from… just away.

“Sunshine! And Asshole.”  
“Nice to see you too Deb” Justin said as she hugged him tight.  
“Holy shit Sunshine. You’re skinny as a rail, Here, sit, I’ll get you a bacon double cheese burger and fries.”  
“It’s fine Deb, I’m really not hungry.”  
“I’ll take a turkey sandwich Deb, thanks for asking.”  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ll put the order in, for the BOTH of you.”  
They slid into a booth “Told you.” Brian said.  
Justin looked like he was about to cry but he blinked and suddenly his eyes cleared. Brian figured he was just overcritical of Justin's every expression lately. 

Deb put the food in front of them and Brian was more relived than he was willing to admit to watch Justin take a huge bite out of the burger. 

They chatted amiably about the decisions they’d made for the house.

“I’ll call Emmet tomorrow and see when we can meet with him about planning the party”  
“Brian?”  
”Mmmmmm?”  
“Can I do it?”  
”Do what?”  
”Just let Emmett and me plan the party, I kind of want to do it for you.”  
“On one condition”  
“Mmmmmm?”  
“You make it what you want too…and I’m still paying for it.”  
Justin smiled, “that’s two conditions.”  
”as long as you don’t wear yourself out, you already have a lot on your plate, with the show coming up and…” Brian trailed off, realizing that the only other thing on Justin's plate was his stress level.  
Justin took another bite of the burger, and tried to taste it, it felt like sawdust in his mouth. He finally swallowed. “I’m fine.” And I won’t let it distract me from helping you get the house finished, or from my work, trust me, I can take care of myself.”  
“Always knew you could.” Brian decided now was not the time to ask him why, if he COULD take care of himself, he didn’t.  
They finished eating, and walked back to Justin's car, arms around each other. Brian gave him a kiss before Justin climbed into the orange box. “I still can’t believe you drive that thing.”  
“It’s perfect.”  
“And ugly”  
Justin was sitting in the drivers seat now, putting his keys in the ignition. “You love it”  
“No, I don’t” Brian said, “But there are things I do love”, and with that, he leaned in and kissed Justin again. Then he backed away closing the drivers door, and watched the car head off down Liberty Avenue. He turned and walked back into the office. 

Justin was halfway home when a song came on the radio, he didn’t recognize it at first, but suddenly he was sweating and shaking. He pulled the car to the side of the road and got out as quickly as he could, and promptly vomited everything he’d managed to eat at the diner.   
“Stupid song.” he thought to himself, “Not even a real reason to get upset.” Just something he and his mother used to like singing in the car when he was a kid.

Justin sped the rest of the way home, and locked himself in the studio with one of Brian's bottles of scotch and a large canvas. His work that afternoon had a Jackson Pollack feel to it.


	14. All Mistakes are Temporary

Brian drove home from the office wondering which Justin he’d find when he got there. He had were three basic options.

Hermit Justin, a knock on the studio door, an “I’ll be out when I’m done” reply and then the possibility of seeing him in the morning.

Stoned/Drunk Justin, a happy playful, horny Justin that barely let him get his jacket off before Brian found himself pushed down to the couch, floor, chair, bed, or whatever was handy. 

Housewife Justin, which meant dinner, would be ready, and Justin would be oddly quiet but extraordinarily careful to cater to Brian's needs.

In the past couple of weeks Brian had tried to find a pattern and the best he could figure out was that Justin worked obsessively and did the hermit thing, then felt guilty, and became housewife Justin, actually felt like he’d accomplished something, which got him stoned/drunk Justin. 

The kid had been locked in the studio for the last three days, almost without stop. He had stopped after the first twenty hours when Brian announced through the door that he was going to have it removed if Justin didn’t eat something and get some sleep. He watched a grumpy Justin do as asked, and figured he’s have to accept the four hours of sleep the artist allowed himself before returning to the studio.

After the next 24 hours Brian had knocked on the door, and a drunken and morose Justin emerged, literally couldn’t keep his eyes open over the take out Chinese Brian had brought home, and then fell asleep on the sofa in the den, refusing to come upstairs. Brian had covered him up and gone to bed alone. 

He tried to push his concern to the back of his head, but lately it wouldn’t seem to stay there. He was on the phone with Emmet, planning; he’d leave the house only to meet Emmet at Deb's to finalize plans, and then come home and barricade himself in the studio again.

 

Justin was feeling great, he’d been doing much better about taking care of himself, he’d eaten when Brian forced him to, slept at least three, sometimes even four hours a night most nights, and he had learned to simply medicate his panic attacks with scotch and disco-pharmaceuticals. The pain management helped in two ways, it got his mind off of the pain in his hand, and the pressure he was starting to feel about the house warming, which was just over a week away now, and the show, which he felt was bearing down on him like a freight train.

The only thing that completely cleared his mind was Brian, sex with Brian, hot fucking and sucking with Brian, and he knew that while Brian would never complain it was pretty unfair to just use him as a release valve, which is why after a night of debauchery he always swore to himself he was going to be the Justin that Brian wanted. He actually kept track of time, did some grocery shopping, cooked, cleaned, whatever, on those days. Trying to make up for hid past days behavior.

The Justin that Brian wanted was a happy Justin, at least that’s what Brian kept telling him when he promised to do better, apologized profusely for the slightest things, or beat himself up for mistakes. 

 

Justin stood back and surveyed the fifth large canvas. The set was done. Finished. Completed. He was relieved. He wasn’t sure he was ever going to finish the last one, and had almost scrapped the entire thing in frustration but he had finished it and, he realized as he glanced at the clock, in time to shower and have something for dinner together before Brian got home.

It was Thursday, ten days from the House warming, and he had 25 completed pieces for the show, and about a dozen sketches and a million more ideas. For the first time in a while he actually felt optimistic. He smiled and hummed to himself as he scrubbed the paint off of his skin.

Brian wouldn’t be home for another hour, Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays he went to the gym after work. Justin went upstairs in his robe, throwing his paint covered clothes into the washer and changed into “real clothes” jeans and a t-shirt that had never seen the studio.

He started chopping vegetables for dinner. He was surprised to hear someone come in.

“You’re home early.”  
“Got to the gym early today.”  
Brian leaned in to kiss Justin, and tasted no scotch on his breath, “hmmm, domestic Justin, okay, good to know.” he thought to himself.  
Justin stopped chopping and turned around, attaching himself to Brian's lips, suddenly feeling the need he’d been putting aside. 

The thing about channeling all of his energy into his work was that there was just nothing left for anyone or anything else. But he was dedicated, now that the fifth canvas was complete; to getting the party plans perfect, and being everything Brian wanted.

Brian was surprised, drunk and horny Justin was the one who made the first move, domestic Justin waited for him. Granted, he made the first move almost as quickly and dinner was eaten cold or reheated as often as not on those days, but this was new, domestic horny Justin.

Brian's hands grabbed the boy’s slight hips and pulled him closer. Justin moved his head down, nuzzling Brian's neck, mumbling into it. Brian could barely understand him as he breathed the words into his shoulder, but he caught the gist. He’d finished that fucking fifth canvas. Brian smiled   
“We should celebrate.”  
“I thought we were.”  
“We should celebrate properly.”  
“I don’t want to go out.”  
“Who said anything about going out?” Brian raised an eyebrow.  
“If I recall, the guest rooms have been completed for almost,” he looked at his watch” six hours now, and we have yet to christen them.”  
Justin smiled “Race ya”  
They both bounded upstairs. It was true; Gregory had arranged for the delivery and been there to oversee the placement of everything in the two upstairs rooms reserved for overnight guests just this afternoon. 

The rooms were sumptuous and elegant, better than most fine hotels, beautiful canopy beds and warm colors in rich fabrics.

Brian's longer legs got him to the room first, but Justin was right on his heels. With a hand to his chest, Brian pushed him back onto the bed. Justin looked up at him, his desire clear.

They were both still clothed, and their arousal was evident as Brian leaned over Justin and then dipped his head towards Justin's lips and kissed him thoroughly. They divested themselves of clothes piece by piece, tossing them this way and that, until they were both naked. Justin rolled them over, lying on top of Brian, pressing his body against the taller mans until no part of them wasn’t touching. He moved, just a little creating a delicious friction. Brian rolled him over again and shook his head. “You’ve been working too hard. Just lay back and relax. The words were sweet but the tone was clear, this was not a request, it was a command.

Justin let his arms flop out to on either side of him, showing his capitulation.

Brian smiled and kissed him again, entwining their hands out to the sides, making the two of them look, for all the world, like the sexiest crucifix ever.

Brian started slowly but his needs overtook his patience and soon Justin was practically folded in half, moaning Brian's name as Brian pounded into him, hard and steady. He watched Justin's face, knowing that his own need was overpowering at the moment but not wanting to hurt him but it seemed the rougher he got, the rougher Justin wanted it. He pulled out of Justin fully and pushed himself back in, watching Justin's eyes open in surprise and darken with need. Just when he thought he’d figured the kid out, he would find something new. Justin started moaning, “Hurt me, fuck me, do it.” 

Brian threw his head back with abandon and gave the kid what he asked for, again and again. When he felt Justin was on the edge, thrust into him one last time, leaning in to kiss him as they both came together, breathing in each others oxygen, reveling in the feel of their bodies convulsing in unison with pleasure. 

They were both laying across the bed, sweaty and smiling, and it was several minutes before either one of them spoke.

“You may be the hottest fuck I’ve ever brought home.”  
“May be?” Justin good-naturedly pushed at his shoulder.  
“Are. I’d have to say you are the hottest trick I’ve ever taken home”  
“Well, that’s cause this old guy picked me up when I was just a kid, and taught me everything I know.”  
“Sounds like a dirty old man.”  
“Oh he was. And a total bastard too, never thought of anyone but himself.”  
“Well, you should have just walked the fuck away, a guy as hot as you could have anybody he wants.”  
“Yeah, but I wanted him.”  
“So what’d you do?”  
”I fucked it up.”  
Brian looked at him “No, you didn’t.” They’d never really talked about the fiddler again, not after their reunion in his office.  
“Oh I totally did, but then he was smart enough to take me back, after I was such an asshole he should have never spoken to me again.”  
“Guess he couldn’t get enough of you.”  
“Yeah, something like that, he always liked to fuck me.”  
“Sounds like he cared about more than fucking.”  
Justin shrugged, “I loved him, didn’t matter to me if he loved me back by then.”  
“He probably did though.”  
“You think so?”  
“Yeah, I think he’s probably loved you for longer than he’s willing to admit.”  
“Shit, then I should go find him.” Justin pretended to get out of bed. Brian grabbed his arm and pulled him back “No you don’t. I’m not done with you yet.”  
“Really?” Justin said tauntingly  
“Really, so you’re not getting out of this bed until I give you permission.”  
“You can’t keep me here.”  
“Of course I can.”  
“What are you going to do if I leave?”  
Brian seemed to consider this, “You won’t.”  
“You seem pretty sure of yourself.”  
“Have you looked at me lately, I’m fucking amazing, you’re not gonna get up and leave all this.” he said glancing seductively down at his own naked and prone form.  
“Arrogant bastard aren’t you?”  
Brian just smiled.  
Justin made another move to sit up, and Brian pulled him back, sitting up and swiftly pulling the blonde across his lap.  
“I told you I was going to do something if you tried to leave.”  
Justin was half laughing, but his breathing was deeper now “You gonna spank me?”  
“You’ve deserved this for years.” Brian said, watching Justin's perfect pale bubble butt squirm on his lap. He felt the younger man’s arousal and it matched his own.

He shifted his position a bit, moving his leg over Justin's thighs, trapping him there.  
“Brian.” But it wasn’t a no, it was breathy, and a little hesitant.  
Brian hadn’t planned, this, but he was now fully intrigued, he raised his hand and lowered it with a loud smack, leaving a red handprint on Justin's pale skin. Justin squirmed, but did not try to get away. He brought his hand down again and felt Justin move against him, and then he was slapping his ass in the same rhythm he had used earlier to fuck him, and Justin's response was astounding, he lifted his ass up, meeting Brian's hand with each blow, begging again “Oh god, hurt me.” Justin begged.

Brian stopped after a few minutes, not wanting to actually damage that perfect ass, but he gave Justin a gruff command and Justin followed his orders to the letter.

He kneeled on the floor in front of the blonde, now on all fours, slipped on a condom and fucked him, hard and fast, brutal and passionate. Justin pushed back against him, meeting him stroke for stroke. Brian kneaded and stroked Brian's now bright red ass as he slammed into him again and again. Justin pushed his head into the thick carpet as he reached his hand down to touch himself, but Brian slapped his hand away.

Justin was moaning and begging. Brian pushed him into the floor, letting him feel the friction of the carpet against his straining cock. Finally Brian reached his hand down and grabbed him at the base of his cock, it took only a few jerks before Justin shot and as he did so, squeezed against the feel of Brian inside him, inciting Brian's orgasm. 

When their breathing returned to normal and they were sitting up leaning against the bed Brian shook his head and laughed, “We have to have the carpet cleaned now.”  
“Told you we should have had hardwood put down in here.”  
“Yeah, cause it’s so good for the knees.”  
Justin just laughed.  
Brian looked at him seriously, “Did I hurt you?”  
“Yes.”  
“I’m sorry.  
“Sorry’s bullshit, I asked you to.”  
“Doesn’t mean I should have.”  
Justin shrugged, “Hurt in a good way, I swear.”   
He leaned over to kiss Brian, turning his entire body until he was straddling the naked man, kissing him and moving Brian's hands down to his ass. “It feels good.”  
Brian kissed him back, and before the evening was out, much of Gregory’s hard work was in need of a dry cleaning.

Justin met Emmett at Deb’s the next day for another planning session for the upcoming event.   
“You know, I could figure all of this out a lot better if you’d let me see the venue. I won’t stay long, just a little peek.”  
“Sorry, no can do. Brian says it’s off limits until next Saturday night.”  
“But Mel and Lindz are gonna get to see it before that, they’re coming in on Thursday.”  
“Yeah, but that’s the ONLY exception”  
Okay, but Justin, with the special lighting and plans that you have, I’m going to NEED to be in there first thing Saturday morning.”  
Justin frowned, I could probably hook up the lights, and…”  
“Sweetie, you can’t do everything all by yourself, it’s going to take at least five guys to get the place together, plus the caterers, and the florist, and…”  
“Emmett, it’s going to get done right? It has to be perfect.”  
“It will be, have I ever done any event that was anything less that spectacular?”  
”No, but this is different”  
“Because it’s your event?”  
Justin smiled “yes, and because it’s for Brian”  
Deb was trying not to interrupt, the last time she’d offered advice or opinion on anything concerning the party she’d been kicked out of her own house by Emmet, but this time she couldn’t hold her tongue  
“Sunshine, you should get to enjoy this too, don’t make yourself sick.”  
“Deb, I just want it to be…’  
“Perfect, we’ve all heard you, a thousand times. You want everything perfect, for Brian, well, what about for you, what would be perfect for you?”  
”Everything is already perfect for me”  
Deb looked skeptical “that why you look like shit?”  
“Deb” Emmet admonished, “he’s an artiste, he has a right to look…rumpled”  
“Hey!”   
“Well, honey, you are looking just a wee bit peaked these days, and while I’m all about looking young and beautiful, you’re looking a little, well… “  
“A little what?” Justin asked, swallowing the feeling that somehow they both knew  
“Skinny as a fucking beanpole” Deb responded  
“Seriously sunshine, isn’t that fucker feeding you?”  
“Deb, why are you always so hard on him? It’s not his job to feed me”  
“The hell it isn’t. You say he loves you, and I believe that, hell I’ve known that longer than he has, but love means taking care of one another. You took care of him so many times, and now you’re wasting away to practically nothing and he can’t be bothered to order you a fucking pizza?”  
“Deb, you’re being ridiculous” Justin's heart was beating fast in his chest. He had convinced himself that he was doing better. He was sure that he seemed fine, he worked so hard to seem fine, and now Deb is telling him that he’s been kidding himself, they all knew. He threw her a big sunshine 1000-watt smile, and hoped that would throw her off the trail for a while.  
“So” he turned his attention back to Emmet, “You need to be there with the crew Saturday morning?”  
“I’ll come help.”   
“Thanks Deb but no, even Emmet can’t come, it’ll just be the crew.”  
Emmet rolled his eyes ”if you want it done right, you want it done by moi.”   
“Be that as it may, you’re going to have to wait.”   
Justin packed his notebook, sketches, and other planning materials into his bag and handed Emmet a check, this should cover most of it, let me know if you need more.

 

Justin wandered around the house idly straightening a pillow or a floral arrangement. Brian was on his way back from the airport with Lindsay Mel, Gus and JR. He was excited to have their first houseguests, and nervous as well. After all the time and energy they’d put into each decision he felt as if it were an unveiling of artwork. He knew it was silly to feel this way, especially considering that Mel and Lindz wouldn’t care what their place looked like, but he was still proud of it.

Brian drove Justin's car, wondering if the kid was a midget, he felt too tall in it, no matter how he adjusted the seat. It was the obvious choice, as his car wouldn’t didn’t even have a back seat, let alone seatbelts and room for luggage and the myriad of accoutrements that came with a week long stay with an 18 month old. There was an odd tension coming of Lindsay and Mel, but he figured he’d have a chance to talk to Lindsay about it later.

“We’re almost there,” he told them as he glanced in the rearview mirror and saw that Gus was asleep. “What’d you do, dope him up?”  
Lindsay smiled but her smile was strained. “I think the excitement of the airport and the flight just wore him out”  
“Well, his room is ready for him, and same for JR, so he’ll be able to sleep in peace.”

They pulled into the long driveway, and Brian stopped the car in front of the house. Melanie let out a long whistle “pretty swanky.”  
“It’s Justin's country manor.”   
He opened the back to pick up Gus, and Melanie unhooked JR from the baby seat, and carried her into the house. Lindsay grabbed a couple of bags, and followed. 

They walked into the foyer and Lindsay was amazed, “Brian, this place is beautiful” Justin bounded down the few steps from the great room into the two story foyer, “isn’t it great, I’m so glad you guys get to be the first to see it. Lets put the kids down and then you can have the grand tour.”

Brian tried to repress a smile but was unable; he flattened his face into an almost disinterested look. “I’ll be in the den when you ladies are done.”  
Justin stuck his tongue out and took Gus from Brian, he was still sound asleep. They went to Gus’s room first. Lindsay was genuinely touched by the amount of time and effort that they had put into the boys room. And as Justin took off Gus’s shoes and tucked him into his racecar bed she wondered for a brief minute if Toronto had been a hasty decision, but put the thought out of her head as she looked over at Mel, and placed a light kiss on her cheek.

Mel leaned her head away from Lindsay when she tried to kiss her. She knew what Lindsay was doing, she was trying to make it seem as if she weren’t so impressed with what Brian had done for their kids, but it wasn’t working. “Fucking Brian and his fucking money, and his fucking ability to wiggle his way into Lindsay’s heart.” It was just more than she felt like dealing with. She ignored the moist look in Lindsay’s eyes as she followed Justin into a room of pinks and silvers and lavender and tulle. Melanie bit back her anger. JR wasn’t even Brian's kid, where the fuck did he get off building her a princess suite. She put the baby into the crib, and leaned in to give her a light kiss, and Justin proudly showed them around the rest of the house.

He led them first to the guest room they would be using, all done in rich burgundy with antiqued gold trim and a huge four-poster bed in the center of it all. They put their bags down. 

“You guys can take a nap if you’d like, I can give you the grand tour when you’re less tired”  
Lindsay laughed, “uh uh, you’re not getting out of it that easily, I want to see everything.”  
Justin's beamed, and bounced them down the hall, showing them the guest bathrooms, and then leading them to the master suite. 

Justin admitted to having doubts about a metallic pewter wall tone, but the way it had been textured and done was so tasteful and actually made the room seem warm rather than cold. The entire room seemed to give off a soft glow, due in no small part to an incredibly expensive and intricate lighting scheme that made it seem as if all the light from the room actually radiated from the bed.

“Jesus Christ” Mel said, “you two don’t go in for subtle” Justin just laughed, and then shrugged.   
“this was the only room Brian got complete free reign in, so, yeah, he might have gone a bit overboard, but…”

Lindsay kissed him on the cheek “don’t apologize for anything, it’s beautiful.”

Justin couldn’t stop smiling; he’d been working so long on all of this that actually showing it off felt like a dream.

They walked down the stairs to the great room, which was laid out with several cozy conversation areas but still maintained a spacious and grand feel. He then led them through the dining room, with the burled walnut and black oak table that sat 22 comfortably. The chairs were upholstered in the same sage velvet that accented the great room. “We never eat in here,” Justin said.

They walked through the wine storage and wet bar area that led to the kitchen, which finally had all of the appliances installed. The room was done in a deep mahogany finish and looked like a simple country kitchen with an antique looking stove and period recreated fixtures, but the subzero refrigerator, and the second deep freezer and state of the art dish washer were simply hiding behind mahogany panels, and the kitchen was actually top of the line.

“Would either of you like something to drink?”  
”Got a beer?” Mel asked  
Justin got three out of the fridge, when Lindsay declined; he simply carried it with him, leading them down the kitchen steps. 

“There are still a few rooms we need to finish, the guest house out back hasn’t been touched, and we haven’t done anything with the basement or the parlor, but the den is done.” He led them into the den and sat down next to Brian, handing him the other beer.

Brian took it and watched as Mel and Lindz sat on opposite sides of the room, Lindsay sitting on the other end of the couch from he and Justin and Melanie choosing a chair at the table.

“So what do you think?”  
“Brian I think it’s amazing, I don’t know how you got it all done so fast”  
“You’d be surprised what a lot of money can do”  
Mel snorted and took another sip from her beer, “No I don’t really think I would.”  
Justin waited but Brian seemed to bite back whatever he was going to say next.

“So Justin, I hear Brian created quite the space for your studio, I’d love to see it”  
Brian looked over at Justin and saw him struggle.  
“Lindz, all the work for the show is in there, hell, he won’t even let me in anymore.” This was not an exaggeration.

“I understand, and artists space is private” Lindsay said.

Brian lit a cigarette. After a long discussion with Justin they had finally come to the agreement that the den and occasionally the bedroom were the only places smoking would be allowed in the house. The den had large sliding glass doors that led to a huge brick patio overlooking the pool and tennis courts, and the ample ventilation was one of the reasons Justin had given in, the other was because he wasn’t stupid, Brian was not going to go stand outside every time he wanted a cigarette and since he knew Justin smoked in the studio, that would lead to him having to share that space and that was something he just wasn’t willing to do.

Mel walked over to the coffee table, picked a cigarette out of Brian's pack, lit it with his lighter and picking up an ashtray walked back to the table.

Oh and look, Justin said, hitting a button on the wall, we had an intercom installed so we can hear JR and Gus. 

Melanie let out a long exhale of her cigarette.

The evening wore on like that, Lindsay, Justin and Brian trying to keep the conversation light, and Melanie getting progressively quieter. Finally, at around 11 Melanie announced that she was heading up to bed.

“I’ll come up with you”  
“No, stay and catch up with Justin and Brian, I’m just tired” with that Mel pecked Lindsay on the cheek and headed up the stairs.

“She on a permanent PMS cycle or something?” Brian asked  
“She got turned down for a job recently, apparently there’s a few more issues regarding her practicing law than she anticipated, she’s really disappointed.”  
Lindsay’s eyes seemed to look around the room to check for the mom police before she took the cigarette out of Brian's hand and took a long drag.

Brian leaned forward and lit himself another one, gesturing for her to keep it.

Justin leaned in and kissed Brian. “I’m gonna do a little touch up work in the studio. I’ll see you later.”   
“Three.” Brian said  
“Four at the latest.” Justin replied  
”Three.” Brian repeated, you didn’t sleep at all last night  
“Yes dad.”  
Brian smacked his ass lightly, which only made Justin lean in and kiss his neck, and then pull away, “See you at three.”

Brian took out his stash and rolled a joint, sitting down next to Lindsay, he took a deep pull and handed it to her. Again she did the surreptitious glance before taking a drag herself. Brian poured himself a scotch, and offered her one. She made a gesture with her fingers indicating maybe a small one, and Brian poured her two fingers and sat back down next to her, putting the glasses and the bottle on the table.

It wasn’t long before they were both thoroughly buzzed and laughing hysterically over something. 

“It was not Maria Cooper, it was Mary Cassidy who fucked me to get to you.” Lindsay said. “Maria Cooper was the one who kissed me and then thought she was going to burn in hell for eternity and eventually became a nun.”

“Mary Cassidy did not have a thing for me, she was in love with you she told me so freshman year.”  
“She said that so you wouldn’t know she wanted YOU.”  
“Like she had a chance in hell.”  
“Well you have been known to sleep with women.”  
“One, and I was very very drunk, and you were very very persistent.”  
Lindsay laughed again, “Christ it’s hot in here” she said shrugging off her cardigan.  
“Oh Christ you’re not gonna hit on me again are you, because I may be drunk but I have a hot blonde…”

Brian stopped mid sentence. “What the fuck happened to you?”  
Lindsay followed his gaze and too late realized what she had done. She pulled her cardigan back on.  
“Let me see that.”  
“Brian.”  
“Interesting pattern you got there” did you fall down the steps, or did Gus do that to you?  
“It’s not what you think.”  
“Okay, so Melanie didn’t get pissed off, grab your arms so hard she left marks and somehow managed to leave a lovely scratch across your collarbone.” good, cause I’d hate to have to go kill her in her sleep, what with all the new carpeting we just put down.  
Mel didn’t do this Brian, I was working at the gallery, and I almost dropped a painting, Joe grabbed me to steady me.   
“Good, I’m glad I was wrong.”  
“Why would you think Mel would hurt me?”  
“I’m drunk Lindsay, don’t pay attention to me.”  
“I think it’s time I go to bed.”  
Brian looked at his watch  
“Fuck, it’s three thirty, I’ve got to go pry Justin out of the studio before he pulls another all nighter.”  
Lindsay leaned over and kissed Brian “I’ll see you in the morning.”  
He nodded “First thing after noon at the latest.” they smiled at each other and as he held her hand he noticed a healing bruise on her wrist. Brian said nothing.


	15. All Mistakes are Temporary

Brian woke up to the sound of Gus crying. Justin didn’t seem to hear it, and Brian couldn’t figure out why it sounded like the child was in the walls until he remembered the intercom system. 

He pulled on a pair of jeans and hurried to Gus’s room.

He realized as he was walking that if they had thought it through more carefully they would have put the option of having the intercom also run into one of the guest rooms, but the setup was designed for when Gus and JR were visiting, not for when their mom’s came with them.

Brian rubbed his face with and pushed his hand through his hair and found Gus sitting on the bed, hugging his teddy bear, eyes wide, tears streaming down them.

He stopped crying almost immediately when Brian entered.  
“Daddy!”  
Gus ran to him grabbing his leg and refusing to release his grasp.  
Brian walked over to the bed, dragging Gus via his seemingly permanent attachment to his leg  
“Did you have a bad dream?”  
Gus was still sniffling a little, his breathing ragged from crying, and as he opened his mouth to talk he hiccupped. Then he giggled and Brian let out a deep breath  
“I woke up.”  
“I noticed.”  
“No one was here. Where are we daddy”?  
It suddenly dawned on Brian that they had put the child to bed, and forgotten that he’d never seen his room, and racecar bed or not, it’s no fun to wake up alone and not know where you are.  
“We’re in you’re new room Gus, at my house. This is where Justin and I live”  
Gus smiled, “This is my room?”  
”Yup.”  
“These are MY toys.” Gus said possessively, waving his hand around at the array items neatly placed on shelves and in bins on the opposite side of the room.  
“Yeah” Brian smiled.  
“Where are mommy and momma?”  
They’re in their room.  
“Did they get new toys?”  
Brian laughed a little too hard at this  
“No, they had to bring their own from home.”  
“Want mommy” Gus said, sitting on Brian's lap.  
“Well, lets go find her”  
Brian put the boy down and took his hand; He wanted Gus to walk to the guest room so he’d be able to find it on his own.

They walked down the long hallway and Gus looked up at a few of the pictures on the wall, “did Justin make these?”  
“Some of them”  
“He colors inside the lines real good.”  
“Yes he does”  
Brian heard muffled voices coming from the guest room, they didn’t sound happy.  
“Momma’s being loud again” Gus said, “She’s loud in the morning sometimes, that’s why me and Sam go and play outside.”  
“Sam and I” Brian corrected automatically  
“You go and play with Sam too?”  
Brian just shook his head and knocked lightly on the door.  
Lindsay’s voice, a little too chipper invited them in.  
“MOMMY!” Gus yelled as soon as the door opened, launching himself onto the bed, no small feat as it was a raised frame and an upholstered two step riser had been created just for such purposes, but Gus managed to go from the floor to his mom’s lap in a single running jump, cuddling into his Lindsay like a puzzle piece.  
“I woke up and I didn’t know where and then daddy told me that it was my room and everything in it is so cool and Sam’s in there now making sure no one touches all my new stuff and then I wanted to see you and daddy said you were in your room but I didn’t know where that was so he took me here and now I’m hungry can we have breakfast soon?” It was all one breath.

Lindsay laughed, “We’ll have breakfast in just a minute why don’t we get dressed first and then we’ll wake up your sister.

Justin walked in, groggy eyed, wearing only sweatpants, and holding a crying JR in his arms. “She’s already awake.”  
He looked over at Brian “We really should have had the intercom connected to the guest rooms.”  
Brian smiled “I was thinking that very same thing.”  
Justin leaned in and kissed Brian good morning.  
Mel, who had, up until this point, only been glaring, covered the space between JR and herself in three strides and plucked the girl out of Justin’s arms. “We’ll meet you downstairs.”

Lindsay was wearing a simple sleeveless nightgown, and as she turned to pull on her robe Brian saw another bruise where her neck met her back. His stomach knotted and his jaw clenched. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before walking back with Justin to his own room.

They showered in silence; Justin was unable to interest Brian in anything more than a simple exercise in hygiene.   
“What’s wrong?”  
Brian said nothing  
“I offer to blow you in the shower and you turn me down, so either you’re an alien, or something’s wrong.”  
“It’s nothing,”  
Justin rolled his eyes  
“Has refusing to talk to me ever worked?”  
“Probably, once, I’d have to check all my case notes on you, which are at the office.”  
“You keep case notes on me huh?”  
”Sure, there’s a stenographer in the closet, and a video system in the lights over the bed”  
“Mmmmmm hmmm. I’m gonna let it go, because when you’re ready, you’ll talk to me, but don’t think I don’t know that you’re upset. Is it something I did? Are you mad that I interrupted you guys this morning?”  
Brian looked at him oddly “Don’t be pathetic, it’s not you, it’s not anything, I told you, nothing was wrong, now, are you going to make my son eat something I cook, or are you gonna get your cute little ass downstairs and make breakfast?”  
Justin seemed to consider his options. “Well, I guess we are better off without Gus having food poisoning, so let’s go with the second option.” And with that Justin stepped out of the shower and was in the kitchen ten minutes later, wearing studio ready clothes, and taking breakfast orders like the diner pro that he once was.

Justin had work to do around the house to prepare for the party. He’d convinced Brian to go with Mel and Lindz for the day. They planned on taking the kids to the zoo; Michael and Ben were going to meet them there.

Brian spent the day watching Mel and Lindz carefully, he tried to put his suspicions aside, but it wasn’t easy. Mel didn’t take her eyes of Michael or JR and all but ignored Gus and Lindsay throughout the day. He’d like to be home, helping Justin but the sneaky blonde refused any assistance, determined to make this a party for Brian.

Justin spent the day on the phone with Emmet, driving him insane with final decisions, perpetual questions and general anxiety.

Michael had specific instructions to keep Brian out of the house for as long as possible today, and if at all possible get him too drunk to return home for the night. 

It didn’t work. At 8 all of them walked into the house Gus was asleep drooling on Brian's shoulder.” Justin pushed Michael, out the door quickly, “NO, not ‘til tomorrow.”  
The others walked into the house,   
Justin and Michael stood in the driveway. Justin tried not to look aggravated but he was.   
“What? Michael asked, “He wouldn’t even go to Woody’s with me, he just wanted to get back here, something about helping out Mel and Lindz with the kids.”

I thought you were taking JR back to your house. “Yeah well Mel thinks she’s coming down with a fever, or a cough or… who the fuck knows, but she’s keeping her here tonight.”

“I’ve got a hundred people coming for a party tomorrow, and I have a million things to do and I need these people out of the house.”   
“It’s fine, tomorrow they’re meeting us at our place for brunch, and then… I don’t know, I’ll do something to keep them busy.”

“I’m counting on you.”  
“I don’t see what the big deal is, it’s not a surprise, Brian knows there’s going to be a party, hell he’s paying for the whole thing.”  
“I want to do this for him, just keep him out of the house for one more day.”  
“Sure, whatever.”

After Michael drove off Justin heard voices coming from the kitchen, the debate was pizza or Chinese. Brian grumbled occasionally about there being no decent Thai in the area, but he brought it home with him from the city often enough that Justin knew at this point the grumbling was nothing more than habit.

The decision was made, Chinese was ordered.   
“I’ve got some work to do, I’ll be…”  
“In the studio?” Justin smiled and leaned down to kiss Brian. When he stood up Brian looked at his watch. Dinner should be here in half an hour.  
“Not hungry.”  
“Two.”  
“Four.”  
These little battles were now almost love notes, almost; Brian did his best to keep it light but was pretty adamant about enforcing whatever compromise they came to.  
“Two thirty”  
“Four thirty”  
Brian laughed “You’re going the wrong way.”  
“Two forty five.”  
“Three fifteen.”  
“Three ten.”  
“Sold.”   
“See you then.” with a last kiss Justin disappeared.  
“He’s spending a lot of time on getting the show together,” Lindsay observed  
“Yeah, well, he’s a perfectionist about his work.”  
“How’s the new stuff coming?”  
Brian shrugged, “He doesn’t want to show it until it’s done”  
“Not even to you?”  
”I think it may be an especially not to me kind of thing, but I’ll just be glad when this party is over. I can’t wait for people to stop nagging me about when they can see the house”   
“Why haven’t you let anyone see it ‘til now?”  
“It’s not me, it’s Justin, he won’t let anyone see it until it’s perfect”  
They both looked at him oddly, “you do know that he’s blaming this whole thing on you right?”  
Brian concentrated on keeping his face blank.  
“He’s told everyone that you won’t allow him to have anyone over until after the housewarming party.”  
“Yeah well, it’s easier to believe I’m the one being the asshole than that he is, he went with the most logical excuse”   
Brian let this information spin in his head. Justin had been so adamant about no one seeing the house until it was perfect that he had let it go, just throwing money at the contractors and decorators so it would hurry up and be perfect, but using him as an excuse, as if his mother, or Daphne, or even Debbie and Michael cared if the house was under a bit of construction. One more piece of damn puzzle. He wondered if it was time to talk to a shrink again, but he put the idea out of his head. Once the party was over, he could focus on Justin with a little more clarity, see if getting past this hurdle pulled him back to reality. He was hoping it would.

Brian glanced down at the table and saw Melanie holding Lindsay’s hand, spontaneous shows of affection were a good sign, and maybe he was jumping to a lot of wrong conclusions lately. The doorbell rang and he got up to get the food.

“Why don’t we eat in the den? Lindz, you want to grab the beer out of the fridge?”

They both nodded and Brian met them back there with the food.

They dug in and he and Lindz were trying to remember what the name of the terrible restaurant that they had always ordered from when they first got out of school, and were both so broke they could barely afford ramen noodles. At ten Mel announced that she was tired and Lindsay followed her up to bed.  
Brian rolled himself a joint and slowly got stoned, mixing the buzz with a couple of glasses of ice-cold gray goose before got on the computer and did a little research. 

Justin could not seem to get them out of the house fast enough the next morning. He gave them each a pop tart, and practically pushed them out the door.

Brian looked at the pop tart in his hand like it was an alien being. “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this”?  
“Eat it.”  
Brian looked at it questioningly “Sodium, and carbs in a handy package of artificial flavorings and, what is that on top, rainbow sprinkles?” he handed it back to Justin, “I’ll pass” Justin shrugged and pushed him out the door.

“I have a lot of work to do today, I’ll see you at seven, no earlier.”  
It was nine am, Brian shrugged, “I’m going into he office after I drop them off at Mikey’s, call me if you need me”  
“I won’t.” Justin said  
Brian leaned in and kissed him, pulling the boy into an embrace. Justin struggled, he had too much to do to…. Then he melted into Brian, “Mmmmmm, maybe I will call you.”  
“Don’t work to hard, you’re supposed to enjoy this party too.”  
He kissed Justin softly, nibbling on his lower lip, and pulling their bodies closer. “I expect you to have plenty of energy left at the end of the night.”  
Justin smiled, “I promise I won’t wear myself out, I’ll leave that for you to do.”  
“That’s all I’m asking.” Brian smiled, he lightly ran his tongue across Justin's lips and then climbed into his car “And if you take my car, don’t leave any fucking trash in it.”  
Justin put up his fingers to indicate scouts honor and Brian smiled as he drove away.

As he was pulling out of the driveway Brian saw several vans pull up and realized that Justin really was going to have his work cut out for him. He picked up his phone and called Emmet.

“You’re coming today to help Justin right?”  
“He said you wouldn’t let me.”  
“I’m giving you permission. I’ve got half a dozen vans driving up to my house, this is your area of expertise, give the kid some help.”  
“I’ll be over in a flash sweetie.”

Brian was at the office when his Justin called him on his cell. “Make Emmet go away.”  
“No, I told him to be there.”  
“No one’s supposed to see it until it’s perfect.”  
“It is perfect.”  
“But it’s not done till the florist and the…”  
“Give the phone to Emmet.”  
“Yes Brian?”  
“Be persistent.”  
“Yes Brian.”  
”Brian.” it was Justin, whining  
“Don’t whine, Emmet promises not to look at anything until the party, just let him in the fucking house.”  
Justin hung up the phone without saying goodbye and Brian hoped that he was doing the right thing.

Brian returned to the house a little before seven. Justin saw him enter and ushered him upstairs quickly. He tried to glance around but it was difficult with Justin doing his best to keep him from seeing anything. He did notice that the place looked nice. He left it at that.

Justin and Emmet were almost done. The kitchen was bustling, floral arrangements, simple vases of calla lilies and orchids were placed prominently, and the dining room table was laid with candles and crudités. The bar was set up in the corner of the dining room, and another on the deck outside the kitchen.

Cases of wine had been delivered, and the bars were stocked with the high-end stuff that Brian preferred. In all it was probably a good thing that Emmet had been there. 

The electrical guy had finished the lighting project just an hour before, and handed Justin the remote, showing him how it worked. When they tried it out Justin would have been jumping up and down if he hadn’t been so tired.

They had moved a few of the boxes in the parlor to make room for the hanging coat rack that Emmet had luckily had the foresight to provide.

When Justin was convinced that everything was under control, he went upstairs to shower and get dressed.

Brian was laying on the bed, fully clothed and half asleep when Justin came in. He was about to hurry Brian into the shower when he sat down on the bed and realized how tired he was. He kicked off his shoes and rested his head on Brian's chest, laying an arm across him and closing his eyes.   
“Just ten minutes.” Justin said.  
Brian pulled him a little closer.

A half hour later Justin opened his eyes and yelled a stream of curses without stopping for breath. Brian looked up startled.  
“I said ten fucking minutes, TEN.”  
Brian looked at his watch “It’s fine, we’ve got plenty of time, the invitation says 8, that means no one will be here ‘til at least 8:30, that’s gives us almost an hour.

Justin was already naked and getting into the shower “You really think Deb is going to wait ‘til 8:30, or Michael?”  
Brian joined him in the shower as he franticly soaped his hair, while still talking  
“Or Daphne, or my mom? Christ Brian, we’re gonna be late to our own party.” He turned around and punched at Brian's arm “Why didn’t you wake me?”  
Brian was doing his best not to laugh “I’m sorry, I really am.”  
Justin grabbed his razor and was about to start shaving when Brian grabbed his wrist. “Why don’t you just slow down a little with the really sharp blade in your hand okay? Can’t see first impressions of the house going well if your face is all covered in blood.” He took the razor out of Justin's hand and with long slow strokes shaved across Justin's jaw line. Kissing each newly smoothed spot.   
“Brian, we don’t have time for this.”  
“We have plenty of time, now relax, I don’t want to hurt you.”  
It’s hard to argue with a man holding a razor to your neck; it’s also hard to argue with Brian when his hot mouth soothes any potential razor burn. Justin leaned his head back and allowed Brian to finish the job.

“I’m glad Hunter volunteered to watch Gus and JR tonight, Mel and Lindz seem like they could use a break.”  
“Shhhh,” Brian said as he finished the last stroke and kissed Justin right where his jaw met his neck. But it was nice to know he wasn’t the only one who thought the couple seemed tense.

They dressed quickly and Brian said nothing about the fact that the suit that was tailored to fit Justin exactly just two months ago was hanging off of him and that his belt was on it’s last hole. The kid had to start eating.

Brian wore black pants and his Armani tuxedo shirt, but decided to forgo a jacket, as it would seem too formal.

Justin was fidgeting but he looked amazing, even if the suit was no longer a perfect fit.

“Ready?”  
It was 8:05 the heard the doorbell ring.   
“Ready.”

Brian interlaced his fingers with Justin's feeling the younger man’s nerves coming off of him in waves. He stopped him at the top of the steps and kissed him, sucking on his tongue in a steady rhythm until he felt Justin relax a bit. “Okay, now we’re ready”

They came down and opened the door.

Everyone was there, Deb was standing front and center, but Emmett and Carl flanked her on either side. Ted and Blake were directly behind them and Melanie and Lindz were standing next to Michael and Ben.

“Welcome all.” Brian said, making a grand sweeping gesture he moved to the side to allow them access.

After the grand tour the doorbell rang again and this time Emmet answered it, and as people greeted Brian and Justin, the true flow of guests began. 

For Justin everything after that was a blur. He circulated, making sure everything was going as planned. Accepting hugs from his mother and Daphne and a few others in a bit of a daze, making small talk with Brian's employees and business associates, and generally keeping an eye on Brian the entire time to make sure he was enjoying himself.

Brian was impressed, the party was going well, he hadn’t expected anything less but was still relieved, as he knew how much this meant to Justin. People didn’t seem too bored, and his friends were obviously impressed with the place, which he honestly did not care about. He was however pleased that Justin seemed to be getting rave reviews. At 11:00, Justin and Emmett seemed to take over for a moment, the catering staff was there to help, moving the furniture, and the DJ cut the music. 

Justin pulled out the remote and hit a couple of buttons. The lights dimmed, and then went out, and suddenly, subtly placed floor lights, and the laser lights that had been installed this morning lit the place with a different kind of atmosphere. The DJ cranked up a dance tune and the entire house was suddenly doing a fairly accurate impersonation of Babylon. Brian threw back his head and laughed. The kid never ceased to surprise or amazes him.

And as the next song started Brian recognized it, and pulled Justin to him, and they danced, in the dark, together, as others joined. The table that had been so elegantly laid out with caviar puffs and baked Brie now also sported an ample supply of poppers and E and K.

The party livened up, and it was after three before the last guest staggered out into the night. Brian and Justin made it up to their room where there was one surprise left.

Brian walked into what could only be described, as his old loft. Justin had sometime during the evening arranged for the light fixture, six neon bars to be hung over the bed. The dark blue sheets, the duvet, it all looked right.

“Were we feeling nostalgic?” Brian asked, kissing at Justin's chest, which had been bare for at least the last hour or so, he wasn’t quite sure when the shirt had been removed, he just remembered having been angry it was there at the time.

Brian and Justin were both stoned, and horny, and suddenly Brian had an irrational surge of anger at Justin’s pants. “You’re pants are stupid.  
“Why?”  
”Because they’re on you.”  
“I’ll make them smarter.”  
“Do that.”  
Justin started to take his pants off, but Brian was too busy trying to touch him to let him do a very efficient job  
When he was finished Justin laid back on the blue bed “Now you’re the one with stupid pants.  
“I’ll make them really smart, I’ll put them right here.” He dropped them, arms out, at his sides, he took a step forward, looking like he did the first night they’d ever met.  
“So are you…”  
Justin didn’t even let him complete the line  
“I’m staying.”

Brian collapsed on top of him, his mouth everywhere at once.

And it was well after two the next day before they emerged from the bedroom, freshly showered, completely sated, a little bruised, and extraordinarily hungry.


	16. All Mistakes are Temporary

There were a couple of members of the cleaning crew finishing the task. The large silver confetti had all been swept up, the furniture was back where it belonged, and other than a few boxes of rental glasses the great room looked the way it was supposed to. 

The dining room was also back in order, the kitchen however had a few extra items, specifically, a large table of guests.

Brian shot them all a crooked smile, not ready to deal with conversation before coffee. He walked over towards the coffee maker and was pleasantly surprised to find a full pot.

“It’s fresh I just made it.” Debbie said from her seat at the end of the table.  
“Deb, it’s so nice of you to just drop by.” Brian said caustically.  
“I came to see my granddaughter. She’s been here for two days and this is the first chance I’ve gotten to see her.” Brian winced at the sound of Deb's voice as he pulled down two mugs from the cabinet and filled each with coffee. He dumped sugar into his and handed Justin’s to him, black the way he liked it. They silently toasted each other. Justin moved toward the table and took a seat next to Emmett. 

Mel was sitting on Deb's right, not taking her eyes off of JR, and Michael was on her left, making faces at the baby.

Brian walked down the three steps that led to the den and sat on the sofa, watching Lindsay and Gus watch Dora the explorer. 

“Great, you’re already training my son to be a lesbian.”  
“Brian.”  
“Sorry Lindz, lack of coffee.”  
Ben chose that moment to come in from the back deck. “This property is amazing, I love the tennis courts.”  
Justin smiled, “I’m gonna have to learn to play I guess.”  
“I used to play in college.” Ben said, “Be happy to give you a few pointers.”  
“Great than you and me and Justin and Mikey can play mixed doubles.”  
Everyone involved in the statement shot Brian a look.   
Justin grabbed the aspirin from the cabinet walked over to him and kissed the top of his head. In a syrupy sweet voice, “Brian, honey, shut the fuck up until the caffeine takes effect, and here, open this goddamned bottle for me.” Justin handed him the bottle in frustration.  
Brian opened the aspirin and gave Justin a couple. Brian himself swallowed three with his next gulp of coffee and then just sat quietly, realizing that Justin probably had a point about keeping his mouth shut at the moment.

It was easy to do; everyone seemed to be talking at once. Dora was going on and on about some fucking plant, or maybe it was an animal. Emmett and Debbie were discussing the previous nights events, Michael was talking baby talk to JR, and Justin and Ben seemed to be in deep discussion about something or other. He let the sound wash over him, turning to lean his head against the back of the sofa, cradling his coffee as if it were the most precious item on earth. 

Justin joined him on the couch a few minutes later, looking no better off than he was.

“Want to get out of here?”   
Justin nodded.  
“Let’s go” Brian mouthed.   
They quietly walked towards the garage door, and let themselves out before anyone noticed. Once they were in Brian's car, and out of the driveway they both laughed.  
“I’m starving”  
“Uggggh food.”  
Brian drove them to the same diner they’d originally found the very first day Justin was back.

Sitting and staring at each other, coffee cups in hand they both looked up and smiled.  
“That was a hell of a party.”  
“I’m glad you liked it.”  
“I just wasn’t ready for a coffee klatch to be going on this morning.”  
Justin lifted Brian's wrist to look at his watch, “It’s three in the afternoon.”  
“That’s really really early.” Brian said.  
“Well we’ll just get something to eat and then head back. By then, hopefully either things will have calmed down, or we’ll be less hung over”  
Their food came; Brian ate his eggs and watched Justin tear apart a bagel into little tiny pieces.   
Today was not the day to take this on, today was the day to recouperate and enjoy how much effort Justin had put into making last night amazing.  
“Last night was hot.”  
“I do what I can.”  
“So, how many poppers do we have left?”  
Justin laughed, “Actually it turns out that buying them in bulk has its privileges, quantity discounts are handy.”  
“Leave it to Emmett to know where to get volume discounts on the really important party supplies.”

“Ready to head back?”  
“Should we stop and pick up milk?”  
Brian just stared at him “to make it look like we had a legitimate reason to leave, like a real errand to run?”  
”No apologies, no regrets, it’s our house and we felt like leaving.”  
He threw some money on the table and pulled Justin close to him as they walked back to the car, both feeling like they might be able to handle company now.

Brian and Justin walked back into the house quietly, but not quietly enough. Michael was the first to confront them “Where the fuck were you?”  
Brian sighed “Out.”  
Michael followed the two as they headed back towards the den “Well it seems pretty rude to just leave when you have guests.”

Brian pulled Michael to him, kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear “You’re not a guest, you’re family.”  
Michael relented, and the rest of the group simply shot them disapproving, if slightly amused looks and the conversation started back up, revolving around how big Gus and JR were getting, how Emmett liked still living with Debbie and Carl, and Michael and Ben’s plan to take a vacation over Ben’s Christmas break.

Brian and Justin might as well have been in their own world, they were both still tired, and Brian was working hard at looking bored while watching Mel and Lindz interact. He sat quietly on the sofa, Justin leaning against him.

Eventually everyone realized that the homeowners were asleep, tangled against each other. They disbursed, Mel and Lindz moving the kids outside. Debbie heading off for the dinner shift at the diner and Michael and Ben heading back to their own home. Emmet oversaw the last of the cleaning crew who were loading the van with the rental linens to return, and then headed over to Ted and Blake’s new place. They had finally found a house, within walking distance of Debbie’s in fact, and today they were supposed to be picking paint colors.

It was about an hour later that Brian came back to consciousness. He was on his back, Justin practically on top of him, still asleep.

He moved slightly, finding a more comfortable position so that Justin's knee wasn’t pushing directly into his thigh. 

He listened to the silence for a moment and then a harsh sound interrupted his return to sleep.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” it was Mel, she was yelling, Brian groaned and tried to ignore the noise.  
He heard the soft murmur of Lindsay’s voice, they were outside, apparently too far away for Brian to hear much of what they were saying, but it was clear that Mel was angry about something. The ebb and flow of the conversation continued in that manner, harsh bursts like gunfire from Melanie, a few discernable words, most of them curses, and then the soft, soothing Lindsay, obviously trying to appease her wife.

Brian closed his eyes and concentrated, trying to hear what they were saying, trying to ignore them, trying to decide if he needed to intervene.

The voices stopped. He heard the slam of a door in the kitchen and the stomp of feet up the stairs. He moved again, trying to dislodge Justin without waking him. 

He eventually managed it, and casually walked out of the den onto the patio, lighting a cigarette. He glanced over and saw Lindsay sitting on the wooden bench on the deck, her body shuddering as if she were crying.

He walked up the few steps and sat next to her. Saying nothing he pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. Lindsay didn’t say a word, and they stayed like that, in silence except for the occasional sob from Lindsay. Brian fought back the urge to yell, to tell her that the bitch wasn’t worth crying about, that nothing Mel said mattered if it was going to make her this upset, but he really didn’t know if he could keep from being unforgivably cruel if Lindsay decided to defend her. So he said nothing.

Justin woke up on the sofa, alone. His heart was racing as he looked around and found no one. He shakily lit a cigarette, and mixed himself a gin and tonic. He walked around the house, it was empty, and the cleaning crew Emmett had hired had obviously been first rate. All remnants of the party were gone. The place was perfect. Justin sat wearily at the kitchen table, nursing his drink, breaking the rules about where they were allowed to smoke. Justin was good at agreeing to rules and then breaking them. He eventually swallowed the last of his drink, and locked himself in the studio. He had promised Brian that today he would rest, but his mind kept circling back to the canvas he had left unfinished two days earlier, and he knew he would rest better if he could just see it, just contemplate the next stroke. It was hours later before he emerged from the studio, he hadn’t even picked up a brush, he’d simply smoked and stared at the work he’d completed, letting the smell of paint and turpentine, the feel of the textured paint on canvass against his fingers, the look of a large stack of completed work calm him.

He opened the door to the studio to find dangerously calm Brian waiting for him in the den.

“We agreed no working today.”  
“I wasn’t working Brian, I was just looking over a few things and…”  
“Bullshit.” Brian cut him off. “You’re fucking exhausted and you’ve been running yourself ragged and you can’t take a single fucking day to just…”

The sound of yelling interrupted Brian’s diatribe.  
Neither of them were quiet sure where it was coming from until they realized that the intercom in Gus’s room had been left on.

“I can’t fucking believe you’re even bringing this up!” it was Mel’s voice.  
“I’m not bringing anything up, I was just saying it was nice to be back home.”  
“This isn’t our home anymore, we have a home, this is Brian's home.”  
“I didn’t mean this house, I meant Pittsburgh.”  
”Yeah, well we don’t fucking live in Pittsburgh anymore, or can’t you even fucking remember that much?”  
Justin shot a glance at Brian, wondering if they should turn off the intercom, this argument seemed none of their business. He moved to hit the button when Brian made a gesture to stop him. Justin shrugged and they continued to listen.

“Mel, you’re not being rational, I never said I wanted to move back here, or that I don’t know where we live.”  
“You don’t have to say anything, I could tell from the moment we got here that you think we made a mistake moving away.”  
“I never said that.”  
“I just fucking said that you didn’t have to, Christ, you’re getting more stupid every day we stay here.”   
“Melanie, would you just calm down, you’re going to wake Gus.”  
“Well, I think we should wake Gus, and JR too, and get the fuck out of here. Every goddamn place I turn there’s another thing Brian’s done to lure you away from me.”  
“Melanie you’re being ridiculous, Brian just made a space in his life for his son, what’s wrong with that?”  
”God, you can’t even see it can you? He made a space for his son, and JR, who’s not even his, why would he do that, huh? Maybe it’s because his plan is to keep you and the kids here, he’s always wanted you away from me.”  
“Mel, honey, Brian has done a lot to keep us together, you’re not being fair to him.”  
That’s when Brian heard it. A sound he knew well enough from his own youth. That’s when Brian decided it was time to stop pretending nothing was wrong.

Justin watched Brian as he listed to the conversation, watched Brian get angrier, watch his expression get more bland, as his eyes darkened, and a small twitch in his jaw that gave away everything about what he was feeling. And then he saw Brian physically flinch at the sound, and suddenly Brian was moving quickly, Justin followed him.

Brian strode into Gus’s room and before Melanie was aware of him, and before Lindsay could protest, he had the petite-framed brunette jacked up against the wall, his arm pushed against her shoulders, holding her there motionless.

He gritted his teeth. Justin, take Gus downstairs, and turn off the goddamned intercom.” Justin silently followed Brian's orders.

Lindsay was crying, holding a hand to her face, but she reached to Brian.   
“Don’t, you’re misunderstanding.”  
“Lindsay, shut the fuck up. Don’t defend this cunt.”  
“Brian” Melanie was trying to pry his arm off of her, but he had her immobilized.  
“Don’t fucking talk to me.”  
Lindsay reached for Brian's free arm, trying to reason with him.  
Brian backed away from Mel. She put her hand to the spot where Brian’s arm had been.   
“Pack your shit and get out.”  
“It’s what we were planning on doing anyway asshole”  
“Brian.” Lindsay tried again.  
“Don’t even try to reason with him Lindz lets just go.”  
Melanie strode out of the room, and Lindsay turned to follow her. Brian saw the fresh red handprint on her cheek. He wrapped his hand around Lindsay’s wrist and pulled her back, “You can follow her if you want, but Gus and JR stay here.”  
“Brian that’s not fair.”  
“Fair’s bullshit, this is your choice Lindsay, but those kids stay here, I’m pretty sure Mikey will back me on this one.”  
Lindsay stood, rooted to the ground, unable to make a choice. Melanie, realizing Lindsay was not behind her stepped back into the doorway of Gus’s room. “I always knew when push came to shove, you’d end up choosing Brian over me.”  
Lindsay opened her mouth to say something but before she could get any words out Melanie launched at her, all the fury she’d been restraining for so long suddenly unleashed.   
Lindsay was on the ground, Melanie on top of her. She only had the chance to land a single glancing blow before Brian physically pulled her back, lifting her completely off of Lindsay and positioning himself between the two women.

Lindsay stood up, scared, shaken, her voice wavering. “Melanie, I think it’s best if you leave.”  
“JR and I will be out of here in 20 minutes.”  
Brian opened his mouth to protest but Lindsay beat him to it.  
“The kids and I are going to stay with Brian for a little while, maybe you should just go back home, and we can talk on the phone.”  
“You can’t keep my kid.”  
“No but they’re still American citizens, you can’t take them out of the country without the custodial parent’s consent. You want to take this to the courts Mel?”  
Melanie looked at Brian, surprised, he was right and she knew it, and he knew she knew it.  
“I’m not fucking leaving without them.”  
“Well you’re not staying here.” Brian said.  
“I’ll call you a cab, you can go anywhere you want.”  
Justin came back upstairs in time to witness the standoff. Melanie refused to drop her gaze, and Brian didn’t look like he was planning on moving a muscle. It was Mel who gave in first. “I’ll be at my cousins.”  
“Justin, call Mel a cab.”  
Justin was startled, he didn’t even know Brian was aware he had come back upstairs, but he responded quickly and went down to the den to find the number and make the call.

Gus was happily watching his tape again and talking to Sam. “Yeah, the monster was really mean but you did good pretending to be asleep.” Justin was shaking when he made the phone call and was still feeling shaky a half hour later when Melanie loaded a suitcase into the cab and left.

Brian and Lindsay were upstairs, sitting on Gus’s bed, neither of them had spoken a word since Mel had left the room and gone to pack. Brian knew he would eventually find out what he needed to know, but in the meantime, he gave Lindsay a small respite from the drama and when her breathing was even and her eyes closed, he eased her back onto Gus’s bed, pulled the blanket over her and left her to sleep.

He walked into the den, saying nothing, poured himself a triple and downed it in two swallows.

Justin sat down next to him. “Everything okay?”  
Brian didn’t even move his head, just glanced over at Justin.  
“You’re right, stupid question. Can I help?”  
Brian, still silent, shook his head, and then seemed to reconsider and held out his empty glass to Justin. Justin refilled it and sat back down, their legs touching, silently they both watched Dora explore something.

Hours later a very very drunk Brian, pretty much passed out on the sofa. Gus had fallen asleep in front of the TV. Justin picked up the boy, and carried him up to bed. Lindsay was still asleep in Gus’s room. He changed Gus into a pair of pajamas and laid the groggy boy next to his mother. Gus snuggled his back against his mom’s chest and Lindsay threw an arm over the boy instinctively pulling him a little closer. Justin saw the bruise on her arm, took a ragged breath and went back downstairs. 

He watched Brian sleep; debating his options, and decided just to cover him up. A glance at the clock told him it was after midnight. Recalling the argument they had been having before all of this started, Justin discarded the idea of going back to the studio. He went upstairs, and climbed into bed where he tossed fitfully for the rest of the night.

Justin was the first in the house to wake up the next morning. This was probably because Justin was in the only room that JR’s intercom was connected at the moment. He’d spent the previous day taking care of JR and keeping her occupied. He was now bleary eyed, it was only five am.

He changed her, and brought her downstairs, he had no idea what to feed her, so he poured her a sippy cup full of juice and looked in the fridge for anything that looked kid friendly. He ended up cutting up an apple and found a few slices of cheese. He had to assume Mel and Lindz had brought these, neither Brian nor Justin ate American cheese. It probably wasn’t an ideal breakfast but Justin didn’t think it would hurt her. He started the coffee and sat next to her high chair, watching her picking up pieces of apple, and offer them to him. He finally took one from her and chewed on it.

“He eats.” it was Brian  
“Shit, you scared me, how long have you been standing there?”  
Brian shrugged and stepped out of the doorway, couple minutes. You’re good with her.” He walked up the steps from the den, “coffee smells good.”  
“It should be done.”  
“Want some?”  
”Yes please.”  
”I take it she woke you up?” Brian motioned his head towards JR  
“I was gonna get up anyway.”  
Brian shrugged, handing Justin a cup of coffee and sliding his leg behind Justin's back so that they were both sitting in the same chair. Justin leaned against Brian's chest. “I missed you last night”  
“Yeah I guess I kind of…”  
“Passed out?”  
“That’s one way of putting it.”  
“So what now?” Justin asked, taking a sip of his coffee and reveling in the warmth of both the strong brew and Brian's chest.  
Brian lifted his head to take a sip of his own and shrugged. “No clue. I’d like her to stay here for a while.”  
They both sat in silence, sipping their coffee and watching JR.  
“I’m not sharing my studio with her.”  
Brian laughed, “Never occurred to me that you would.”  
“Maybe we should get the carriage house done next, and fast. So she can have her own space.”  
“Maybe you should let her make her own decisions about what’s next.” A voice interrupted their conversation; it was Lindsay, holding Gus’s hand.

She poured Gus a bowl of cereal, and poured herself a cup of coffee, adding milk and sugar.  
She sat down across from the two of them. “I’m an adult, I’ll figure this out, and I just need to talk to Mel.”  
Justin felt Brian's entire body stiffen at the sound of her name. He put a hand on Brian's knee, he didn’t have to look up to know the mans eyes were dark with anger.  
Justin tried to cut Brian off before he started. “Maybe you should wait a few days before you…”  
“Maybe you just shouldn’t talk to her.” Brian interrupted.  
“I’m not talking about this right now.” Lindsay said. Brian, I appreciate your help but I can’t put you in the middle. I’ll take care of it.

Brian shrugged. “Okay.” He wasn’t going to subject Gus or JR to any more screaming or yelling right now. 

The rest of the day was spent pretending. Pretending everything was fine, pretending no one was angry, pretending he was just going to let Lindsay go back to Mel.

Justin spent the entire day in the studio, pretending that he didn’t care what had happened between Mel and Lindz, pretending he wasn’t shaken by how used to it Gus was, pretending he was fine.

They all practiced pretending until Michael stormed in without knocking. 

“What the fuck is going on?”  
Brian was lounging on the floor watching Gus play with his trucks. He didn’t even look up. “Hi mikey, nice to see you.”  
“Don’t give me that bullshit, Melanie just left the store, she was ranting about legal action and getting a restraining order to keep you and me away from the kids. Brian what the fuck did you do now?”  
Brian remained calm. “I guess I pissed Mel off. I do that sometimes.” He’d eventually have to tell Michael what was going on, but not in front of Gus, not while Lindsay was still not admitting to it, not right now.  
Brian backed Michael out of the room and into the foyer, so they could have this conversation outside of Gus’s hearing.  
“Fuck you Brian, she’s my daughter, and you just don’t give a fuck what the consequences are when you do shit like this. You know what, you’re a…”  
Lindsay had heard him come in; she’d been trying to lose herself in a book, curled up in a chair by the window in the great room. She interrupted Michael now.  
“It wasn’t Brian Michael, it was me.”   
Michael was too upset to even notice that Lindsay’s eyes were red and puffy from crying.   
“Well whatever you did, fix it.” Brian took a deep breath and fought the impulse to punch Michael in the jaw, eight years and counting 'til his decade was up and he could deck the guy again.  
Michael was frowning; his forehead wrinkled in confusion, Brian was trying to keep his voice down.  
“Mel and Lindsay had a fight. Mel is angry because Lindsay chose to stay here.”  
Michael looked over at Lindsay “you guys always fight, just go make up with her, she’s really upset.”  
Lindsay looked like she was going to cry again and Brian pinched the bridge of his nose trying his hardest to accept that his best friend was sometimes very very stupid. “It wasn’t that kind of a fight.”  
“What do you mean not that kind of a…” Michael suddenly seemed to have been handed a clue, he noticed the darkening bruise on Lindsay’s cheekbone, just below her eye. “Did she hit you?”  
Brian inhaled deeply. “Gus is in the other room Mikey, you want to shut the fuck up?”  
Lindsay backed away a little from the question. “She got angry, she’s been having a really hard time lately and…”  
“She’s been beating Lindsay.” Brian said.  
“Brian, that’s not true.”  
Brian looked at Lindsay, “you gonna blame this on Gus too?”  
Lindsay looked at the floor, knowing that blaming her own son was wrong but she was sure, or at least had been that she could work things out with Melanie on her own. She knew if Brian got involved it would just get messier. But Mel had ruined her plans to keep Brian out of it. Melanie had dragged Brian, and now Michael into their personal business.

Michael took in all of what had just been said and sat down on the steps. “Lindsay, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”  
“It’s okay Michael.” Lindsay cut him off, I just need a little time to figure out what we’re going to do.”  
“So JR and Gus are here with you now?”  
”Yes.”  
“Well, I can take JR back to my place.”  
Lindsay kissed him “That’s very sweet, but she’s asleep right now, why don’t you come by tomorrow and you and Ben can take her for a couple of days.”  
Michael nodded, and kissed Lindsay on the cheek. “ Take care of yourself okay?”  
Lindsay smiled and Michael left. Somewhat appeased. Lindsay walked unsteadily back to the chair she’d been sitting in for most of the day and stared out the window at nothing. Brian stood behind her.

“You shouldn’t have told Michael that.”  
“It’s the truth, he deserves to know the truth about the mother of his kid.”  
”It’s not, Brian, it’s not the whole truth.”  
“Melanie has been beating you. What part of that isn’t the truth?”  
”The part where you make it sound like she’s just this evil asshole and I’m this poor victim.”  
“You let her turn you into one.”  
Lindsay inhaled sharply “Fuck you Brian you don’t know anything about this.”  
Brian snorted. “Right, I don’t know anything about parents who get really mad and hit people, cause I grew up in such a lovely world. Jack taught me a thing or two before he gave up on me. You know that Lindz.”  
“Brian it’s nothing like that, she’d never hurt Gus or JR.”  
“So the monster that Gus and Sam run from, the loud one who they hide from, that’s not Mel?”  
“She would never hurt them.”  
“She hurts you.”  
“I can take it.”  
“You shouldn’t have to. Never let anyone hit you Lindz. Why the fuck would you put up with it?”  
”Because we’ve been through so much together, because this is just a phase, because I…”  
“You what? you deserved it? Why, because you cheated on her? Because you agreed to move? Because you got a job before she did? Because you have friends who love you and whom you love? Which one of those makes you worthy of becoming a punching bag?”  
”You know, I’m not at all sure I like the way you’re characterizing this.”  
”You know I’m not at all sure I give a flying fuck how you feel about the words I use.”  
Brian was still standing behind her, he moved, to make eye contact. He reached his hand out slowly and ran his thumb over the bruise under her eye. She flinched as he touched it. “How long Lindz? How long has she been beating you?”  
The tears were flowing freely down Lindsay’s face, she almost couldn’t talk. “Since before we left Pittsburgh.”  
Brian pulled her to him, letting her cry again. Angry with himself that he hadn’t seen it sooner, that he’d let them leave, that he’d missed it.   
He wasn’t crying. It must be allergies.


	17. All Mistakes are Temporary

Brian had insisted that Lindsay to go to see a doctor. Lindsay came out of his office with a couple of prescriptions to fill. One was for pain, one was for Xanex. 

Lindsay took a Xanex and a Vicodin as soon as Gus was tucked in for the night and less than an hour later she was out cold in the guest room. Her room.

It was early when Brian climbed into bed himself, it had been an exhausting couple of days and he actually had a meeting he couldn’t miss tomorrow with the Rapkins people. He was surprised when Justin joined him in bed at a little after midnight. Justin had been in the studio and he hadn’t expected to feel him creep in ‘til after three, if at all.

Justin was quiet, rare for him when they were both in bed awake and not fucking. He was obviously deep in thought. Although Brian was lying on his back, Justin stayed completely on his side of the bed, making no move to curl up against Brian, or even make physical contact.

Brian reached for the blonde’s hand. Their fingers intertwined and they both lay there in silence. Brian spoke first.  
“Justin?”  
“Mmmmmm?”  
”You okay over there?”  
“Just thinking?”  
”Care to share?”  
“Mel and Lindz.”  
“Pretty fucked up huh?”  
”They’ve had their issues before but…”  
“Yeah, I was kind of surprised too.”  
“But you knew.”  
”Suspected.”  
“They love each other.”  
“Loved.”  
“Lindsay still loves Mel.”  
Brian sighed, “She has to stop.”  
“Can you just make yourself stop loving someone?”  
”It’s not easy.”  
“Could you stop loving me?”  
”Tried once, didn’t take.”  
”But they’ve been together so long.”  
“So they should stay, even if one of them is getting hurt?”  
”It could be us.”  
“We’re not lesbians.”  
“That’s not what I mean.”  
“It couldn’t be us.”  
Justin turned to his side to look at Brian, and Brian turned so that their faces were close together. “Because I wouldn’t let it.”  
“Well, no, I don’t see you putting up with me hitting you.”  
“Not what I meant.”  
“Brian, you know I wouldn’t leave you if you lost your temper.”  
Brian sat up, angry now. “Yes you would.”  
Justin sat up as well, draping himself over Brian's back, resting his head on Brian's shoulder. “I wouldn’t give you up, not over a fight.”  
Brian's jaw clenched again. “You’d better, if I touch you, you’re gone, understand?”  
”Brian, couples argue.”  
“You don’t fucking hit people you love.”  
“You hit Mikey.”  
“That’s different, Mikey was being a twat.”  
”You tell me I’m a twat all the time.”  
“And yet I’ve never hit you.”  
Brian shrugged the boy off his shoulders and turned so he could look in his eyes. “You don’t let people hurt you. That’s an order. That means even me, hell, especially me.”  
“But when couples fight, it happens sometimes.”  
“Your parents fought Justin. Your father is an utter shit, did he ever hit your mother?”  
”No, but he slapped me, when I came out to him.”  
“Yeah, and what did I tell you to do?”  
”You told me to leave.”  
“Someone hits you, you leave.”  
Justin was playing with the duvet, suddenly staring at it as if it were fascinating.  
Brian put a hand under his chin and lifted it, seeing tears in Justin’s eyes. “It’s okay, I’m not going to hit you.” Brian grinned lasciviously, licking his lips, unless you deserve a spanking.”  
Justin smiled “I guess you have to be really strong to love someone.”  
“Gotta be stronger to leave them.”  
“Brian?”  
“Mmmmmm?”  
”Do you promise you’ll spank me again?”  
“As long as you promise you will leave anyone who’s hurting you.”  
“I promise.”  
“Brian?”  
Mmmmmm?  
“Promise you’ll do it soon?”  
Brian collapsed onto his back, pulling Justin down on top of him and gave a loud thwack to Justin’s ass. “Any time you want sunshine.”  
Eventually they fell asleep, Justin curled up against Brian, head on his shoulder and Brian rubbing his hand softly over the soft curve of Justin’s ass, which was warm from the recent punishment, and relaxed from the recent pounding. They both slept for hours, and it was Brian's alarm, not JR that woke them in the morning.

As Brian was leaving for work he pulled Justin into the garage. “Do me a favor.”  
“You want me to blow you right here?”  
Brian smiled, “yes, but I don’t have time. Don’t bury yourself in the studio today, come out every once in a while to check on Lindsay.”  
”Sure.”  
Brian kissed him again. “Later.”  
“Later.”

Lindsay was feeding JR, and had a bag packed. Michael was expected at any moment to pick up the little girl. Gus was finished his cereal and bombarding Lindsay with questions about what they might do today. 

“Lindz, I’m gonna go get some work done in the studio you gonna be okay?”  
”Justin I’m fine, Brian is blowing all of this out of proportion.”  
Justin opened his mouth to say something, and the closed it again, he had no idea what to say.   
“Just knock on the door if you need me.”   
Lindsay nodded.  
Justin lost himself in his work. He was doing a small painting that was mostly texture. He worked with a concentration that calmed him. 

After Michael came and took JR Lindsay felt lost. She felt empty, and each time she sat she started to reflect on the past couple of days, and that wasn’t helping. She started when her cell phone rang, and laughed at herself afterwards.

It was Melanie. Full of apologies, sweet words and promises. Full of new resolutions and old excuses. Full of love. Lindsay and Mel talked for a while and Lindsay felt much better after their conversation. Gus seemed happier too after talking to momma on the phone. At around two she knocked on the studio door.

Justin emerged, covered in paint, and rubbing his hand. Lindsay tried to peek inside but Justin took a step out and pulled the door shut behind him.   
“Gus and I were going to have some lunch, want to join us?”  
”I’d love to but I’m in the middle of something, and…”  
Lindsay smiled “I understand. She kissed his cheek, “go back to work.”  
Justin backed himself into the studio, ensuring Lindsay couldn’t glimpse the work inside, and got back to the painting.

Eventually he came to a reasonable stopping point and finished his bottle of water and just stood staring at the painting. Normally he would sit and do this, but after Brian’s kept promises the night before, sitting was a less than ideal position.

Mel and Lindsay spent most of the day on the phone, talking, and it was as if the past few days hadn’t happened. 

Brian returned to find everything pretty much as he’d expected. Mel and Gus were playing on the floor. The studio door was shut but the faint sound of some crap Brian would never listen to was audible.

Gus looked up at him and smiled. “Hi daddy.”  
”Hi sonny-boy”  
“We’re playing castle, want to play?”  
”In a couple of minutes, I’ve gotta go change okay”  
“K.”  
Brian was back in ten, jeans and a white t-shirt, much safer option than a $2000.00 suit around his five-year-old son.

They played for a while in relative silence; Gus was describing all the rooms in the castle in detail.  
“Did Justin give you a hand today?”  
”He’s been working.”  
Brian nodded, figuring as much. It was then that Lindsay’s phone rang. She glanced at it, and put it back down without answering.  
Brian raised an eyebrow  
“Probably just Mel with another apology.”  
“Another, you’ve been talking to her today?”  
”Momma’s real sorry daddy, she doesn’t mean to yell” Gus said  
Brian stood up, taking the phone from Lindsay.   
Lindsay followed him “Brian…”  
“You’re what, gonna make this okay, work things out, what Lindz?”  
Lindsay fell silent.   
Brian handed her back the phone. It was still ringing. “Answer it, your wife is calling.”  
Lindsay put the phone on the kitchen counter, “Brian.”  
He walked away, “I meant what I said Lindz, you can have her, but the kids stay here.”  
Lindsay took a deep shaky breath and went outside for some fresh air. Gus joined her and the two of them walked the grounds together, Gus with the enthusiasm of a five year old discovering everything for the first time, Lindsay smiling at Gus and doing her best not to cry.

Justin finally emerged around eight from the studio, he was out of water, and he padded down he basement steps for another case, and brought it back to the studio.  
Brian stopped him just as he got to the studio door. “You eaten anything today?”  
”Yeah, lunch with Lindsay and Gus.” He was counting on Lindsay being too involved in her own issues to be reporting back to Brian. 

Brian nodded, knowing he was lying. “Join me for dinner.”  
“Late lunch, not hungry.”  
Brian nodded and left it at that. But he no longer doubted his instincts. Something was wrong with Justin.

Justin closed and locked the studio door, his heart racing. He had no idea when he had become so scared of Brian. Actually that wasn’t true, he felt safe around Brian, he was scared of Brian finding out how messed up he was. He and Brian had worked so hard, for so long at fucking things up, and now they finally had it right. If he screwed it up again, he wouldn’t be able to make it, he knew that. And Brian deserved everything to be perfect. Justin wanted to be perfect for him. 

Justin once again made a pact with himself that he would spend more energy making Brian happy, and if that meant cutting back on studio time, he would find a way to do it. Or at least cutting back on studio time that interfered with the time he could spend making Brian happy.

Gus was tucked into bed, and Lindsay was laying on her bed staring at the ceiling. Brian, doing an amazing impersonation of his son, launched himself onto the four=poster, landing on his back, next to Lindsay. He cocked his head to the left, and then to the right, and finally said, “Christ, I think I may have let Justin go a little overboard on the rococo elegance, this ceiling is kind of…”  
“Dizzying?”  
Brian smiled, “yeah.”  
“Well, I kind of like it, but then, I’ve always liked things a little less simple than you have.”  
“Sometimes simple is the easiest way to go.” Brian pulled a joint out of his pocket, lit it, and took a drag, handing it to Lindsay who did the same.  
“You can’t always just choose for things to be simple.”  
”Sometimes you can, like this ceiling, I could have all of this stamped tin and crown molding pulled down in a day, leaving a smooth clean surface to start again.”  
“But there would be marks, from where everything was attached and connected.”  
“Spackle.” He said it slowly, taking another long toke.  
“Brian, you can’t just spackle over something and make it look perfect again.”  
“Yeah, but you can’t just beat the shit out of something and expect it to still be okay. If I were to start throwing hammers at it, we’d eventually have to get rid of it.”  
“Can we stop talking about the fucking ceiling?”  
”We were talking about the ceiling?”  
Lindz was just stoned enough to laugh a little at this. “How can I just walk away?”  
He pushed her sleeve up her arm, revealing the fading bruises, “how can you not?”  
“She’s my wife.”  
“She beats you.” Lindsay flinched at the words.  
“What the fuck am I gonna do?”  
”Stay here” Brian shrugged, “get a job, stay with me, get your own place, whatever you want, you know I’ll help.”  
“I’m an adult, I don’t need your help.”  
“Sure you do, everyone needs my help, and it’s the bane of my existence.” Brian threw his hand to his forehead in a “woe is me” gesture. The he looked at the joint that he and Lindz had almost finished “wow, this shit is good.”  
Lindsay laughed again. If I stay with you, do you promise you’ll be nice?  
“No.”   
“If I stay here, do you promise to be good?”  
“No.”  
“If I stay here with you do you promise I won’t get hurt anymore?” she was crying now.  
“Yes.”

He pulled Lindsay close to him, for a minute and then jumped up out of bed, grabbing her arm. “C’mon, lets you me and Justin, do something about dinner, I’m hungry.”  
Lindsay giggled as Brian pulled her downstairs and they started to raid the kitchen.

Lindsay was reheating some leftover hors devours from the party while Brian knocked incessantly on the studio door.

Justin finally emerged, paint smeared on his hand, and a dot of it by his left eye. “What?”  
”Eat dinner with us.”  
“You’re stoned.”  
Brian handed him a joint, “join us.”  
Justin remembered his earlier promise to himself and put his brush in the sink, took the preferred joint and joined them around the kitchen table where Lindsay was setting out a vast array of puffed pastry. “I have no idea what any of them are.” She shrugged. “But the round ones are really good.”  
Brian and Justin looked at the proffered appetizers carefully, “Lindz, they’re all kind of round.”  
Lindsay shrugged, and popped another one into her mouth.

Brian took one and offered it to Justin. Justin turned his head away. “C’mon, eat it, we’re celebrating.”  
”What are we celebrating?”  
”Our new roommate, Justin, meet Lindsay, Lindsay, meet Justin”  
They shook hands formally, and then both started to giggle. Brian took the joint from Justin's and took another hit.  
“This shit really is good.” Lindsay said, as she took the joint from Brian and inhaled deeply.  
“Justin, eat something.” Lindsay said, you haven’t eaten all day.  
Brian looked at Justin, “thought you guys had a late lunch together.”  
“Oh he was too busy working to have lunch.” Lindsay said.   
Brian raised his eyebrows and said nothing. Justin stared at the table. “Well then, he must be starving, and Brian held a canapé of some sort in front of Justin's mouth, Justin opened his mouth and took the hors devours and Brian's fingers into his mouth.  
“Shit, it actually did taste good,” he thought to himself. And then picked up another one, watching Brian smile, he’d eat if it would make Brian happy.

It was a little later; they were all sitting around the table, happily watching the ceiling spin, drinking ice-cold vodka.  
“I’ll call the contractor tomorrow and get the carriage house started, that way you and Gus and JR can have your own space.”  
“Yeah, I really should get out of your hair.”  
“Pfft” Justin snorted, you’re not in our hair, Brian's just afraid that if you feel smothered you’ll leave, and then he can’t protect you.”  
Brian was severely wasted at this point, his words a little slurred, as he lifted his head “I’m not trying to protect anyone, you can all do whatever you want.”  
They both looked at him, and he smiled “as long as I don’t think it’s pathetic.”  
”See, he likes to play big protector man.”  
“He’s always been my hero.” Lindsay said.  
Justin shrugged, “mine too. Didn’t’ say I minded.”  
Brian stretched his long frame out leaning his head even further back in the kitchen chair, he could sit and listen to people sing his praises all night so long as they never knew he actually enjoyed it. He tried to scowl, but it came out more like a half smile, and finally he gave up on trying to make the right facial expression and just took another drink.

“The carriage house has great light though” this was Justin, “so if you wanted to paint again, you could set up space in there, and there’s the upper loft and the two downstairs rooms plus the main space, so seriously, you and Gus and JR could do worse.”

“You just don’t want to share your studio space” Brian said.  
Lindsay laughed, “like I’d ask him to, I’m beginning to think he’s sacrificing goats in there the way he keeps it all locked up.”  
Brian raised an eyebrow…are you sacrificing goats in there Justin? Cause if you are the cleaning bill is going to be a bitch.” Justin laughed,   
“Not sacrificing anything in there, no goats, no virgins, no small animals”  
“No virgins, well that’s disappointing.   
“Brian!” Justin and Lindz said in unison.  
“Well, I thought it would be cool to know there were still virgins in Pittsburgh.”  
“I think you cured them all.” Justin said.  
“Cured you.”  
Justin blushed, and Brian laughed as he raised his head and looked at him.   
“So I’ll call the contractor tomorrow Lindz.”  
“Okay, but what are we gonna do about Mel?”  
”We’ll get a restraining order if we have to, I did some research.”  
“You did?”  
”Yeah, that’s how I knew she couldn’t take the kids.”  
”So you planned this?”  
”Nope, just prepared for it.”  
”My hero.”  
Lindsay kissed him on the cheek and he smiled lazily, eyes still closed, body still stretched out in the chair. 

Justin got up, feeling inspired, he kissed Brian as well, and after almost a full minute of exploring his mouth, Justin stood up, Brian, his eyes still closed said “that better have been Justin.”  
They all laughed.  
“I’m going back to the studio for a little bit.”  
”One”  
“Three”  
“One fifteen”  
“Two thirty”  
“One thirty seven”  
“One forty two”  
“Don’t be late.”  
Brian's eyes were still closed, and Justin had a feeling that Brian wouldn’t notice what time he got into bed, but he had made a promise.  
“I won’t be.”


	18. All Mistakes are Temporary

The next couple of weeks were rough on them all. It was early September and Gus was in Nursery school. Brian was willing to pay for a nanny for the kids, to give Lindz a break, but she refused. She spent her days taking care of JR until Gus got home, and then taking care of them both. Lindsay was recovering, slowly. It wasn’t just the bruises, those heal. She missed Melanie, and she knew she shouldn’t. It was almost impossible to talk to Brian about it. For Brian this was very black and white. Melanie was simply not worth missing. Justin was more understanding.

Lindsay and Justin had become closer. He was actually quite sweet and seemed to understand more than Brian did how you could miss and love someone who you knew you shouldn’t but then Justin had been there, and was willing to admit it. Brian would never hurt Justin, not physically, but Justin had been told a thousand times he shouldn’t put up with Brian, and yet, here they were, together, and seemingly stronger than ever.

Justin and Lindsay shared something else, an inability to sleep.

Brian and Justin still had their debates over what time he’d finish working for the night, but lately, as Justin left the studio at the specified time, he’d find Lindsay sitting in the den, mindlessly watching an old movie, or sometimes staring at a book pretending to read. Justin had taken to sitting with her sometimes. 

They’d talk, and then they’d just sit, and she seemed to draw some strength, or comfort from the man’s presence, from his quiet understanding. Justin marveled at how similar Brian and Lindsay were sometimes. They both felt that it was their job to be strong and fix the problem. Both of them sat in silence and brooded well. 

At first, when Justin hadn’t come up to bed at the agreed upon time Brian came down to retrieve his obsessive artist. He’d seen him sitting, listening to Lindsay as they talked in hushed tones. He just went back upstairs. The next night they were sitting silently, watching an old movie on TV. After a half a dozen encounters like this Brian still insisted Justin stop working, still haggled the times, but said nothing if he didn’t make it up to bed 'til much later. He was helping. Lindsay was getting stronger. Together, Justin and Lindsay directed the contractors, and the carriage house was transformed into livable space. Two bedrooms on the first floor, a large open living space with loft space for Lindsay's bed and even enough room for an easel.

And through all of this, as colors were picked and plumbing repaired on the carriage house, Justin was looking worse and worse.

Brian had tried to confront him about it a few times, and Justin promised that in three weeks, when the first set of canvases were wrapped packed, loaded, shipped and received, he would slow down.

In the meantime Brian watched the dark circles under his eyes get darker and larger. His beautiful body, always lean and pale was now dangerously thin and far too pale. He ate, Brian saw that he genuinely tried to eat, but he often forgot to if no one reminded him, and he didn’t sleep. He woke up often, sitting bolt upright in bed, his face contorted with fear. Brian would put his hand flat on his back, feeling his breathing and his heart rate, both dangerously high. He would rub small comforting circles on his back, trying not to focus on how very pronounced his vertebrae were. He’d make soft soothing sounds, and whisper sweet useless phrases. “It’ll be okay, Shhhh, I’m right here.” 

More often than not, Justin would after a few minutes, lay back down, and Brian would pull him close, feeling his heart rate return to normal, and then his breathing would slow and become even. Once that happened, Brian could return to sleep as well, and most nights Justin didn’t even remember that anything had happened. But as a result, Justin's few hours of sleep were never truly recuperative and he was subsisting on caffeine and cigarettes. 

Tonight, Lindsay had been too tired to stay up; she’d taken a Xanex and curled up next to Gus in his bed. Justin crawled into bed at 2:51.   
“Here.”  
Brian handed Justin a bottle of water and a small peach colored pill.  
“What’s this?”  
”Xanex, you need to sleep.”  
Justin put the pill and the water on his nightstand and snuggled his body under the covers, resting his head on his pillow. “I’m going to sleep, right now.”  
”But you need to actually sleep, through the entire night, for more than four hours.”  
Justin wrinkled his nose. “I don’t need a sleeping pill, I’ve been sleeping fine.”  
“No you haven’t.”  
Justin opened his eyes at Brian's harsh tone. “Have I been tossing around, and keeping you up? I’m sorry, you should have said something. I can sleep downstairs if you want, or…”  
Brian rolled his eyes. “You wake up every night in terror.”  
“No I don’t”  
“Oh, I guess I’ve been imagining it.”  
“Brian, I know when I wake up from a nightmare, I haven’t had one in weeks, I’ve been too tired every night to even dream.”  
”These aren’t nightmares, they’re more like night terrors, and you don’t wake up, at least not fully.”   
“Brian, what the fuck are you talking about?”  
”You, and your little panic attacks in the middle of the night.”  
“Brian I haven’t had one in weeks.”  
“You’ve had one every night FOR weeks.”  
”God, I’m sorry.”  
”Why are you apologizing, I’m just saying, take some thing for the fucking anxiety.”  
”If I take that I won’t wake up 'til noon.”  
”And what would happen if just tomorrow you slept 'til noon.”  
”I wouldn’t have enough time to meet with Gregory about final touches on the carriage house, and I wouldn’t get a chance to stretch the canvas for my next project and even if I did all that, I’d have no time to get to the art supply store and I’m out of a few things that I desperately need.”  
“Give me a list, I’ll go to the store.”  
“I need to go.”  
”Can’t we hire someone to stretch the canvases for you?”  
”It’s important that I do it myself I want everything for this show to be…”  
”Perfect?”  
”Yes, is it so wrong that I want my first art show in New York to be perfect?”  
”It’s wrong if it’s going to make you sick.”  
”I’m not sick.”  
Brian shrugged, “If you say so.”  
“If you want me to sleep downstairs I will.”  
“I want you to sleep here, in our bed, but I want you to sleep.”  
“You know I’d be asleep already but my…Brian won’t shut the fuck up.”  
Brian laughed a little. Fine, but no working 'til eleven tomorrow, so there’s no point in even getting out of bed 'til 10:30.”  
“Tomorrow’s Thursday and you have to go to work, you can’t keep me out of my studio while you’re at work.”  
”Tomorrows Saturday.”  
“Really?”  
”Really.”  
“Hmmm, the days are running together. I really do need to sleep. G’night” he kissed Brian on the nose and closed his eyes.  
Brian watched him fall asleep, he really did practically pass out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

A week later the day had finally arrived. It was moving day, for both Justin and Lindz.

The carriage house was finally livable and Justin had completed 39 pieces for the show, enough to ship to Ranston’s Gallery. He knew he should follow them. He owed the gallery owner two more appearances and Ranston had been calling him almost every day trying to pin down a date, but Justin had been putting him off. He finally agreed to go three days after the paintings were to arrive. It would give him a chance to make sure everything had reached it’s destination undamaged and give him a chance to come up for air, he’d been spending so much time in the studio, and the rest of his time trying to comfort Lindsay and make Brian happy, that he felt he was failing at all of it.

Brian helped to settle Lindsay, Gus and JR in to their new home.

In truth, it was a safer place for JR, as no matter how toddler friendly they tried to keep the place, they just weren’t very good at it. Sure all the outlets were covered, and the lower level kitchen cabinets baby proofed, which pissed Brian off every time he forgot, (every time he tried to open one of them), but last week they had found her chewing on a wine bottle cork, no one was sure where she had found it. Three days ago she’d graciously handed Brian an item that upon closer inspection was a beer bottle cap. Yesterday she almost pulled the runner, and the rock garden/candle display centerpiece onto her head, while sitting in the great room. The house just wasn’t built for a baby.

The Carriage house had been professionally baby proofed. It had been redesigned to suit Lindsay's needs, and tastes. It was not what Brian would have chosen. A bit too many earthy crunchy prints, both in fabric choices and color schemes, but Lindsay seemed happy with it.

Justin was like a parent giving away his children as the men loaded the artwork into the truck. Each one was carefully wrapped, with protective pieces on the corners and wrapped in bubble wrap, and then secured into the truck, it did Justin no good to see their obvious professionalism, and their painstaking precautions, he was still pacing back and forth, biting his nails to the quick, and cracking the knuckles on his right hand systematically with the same emotional intensity of a truly repentant soul doing a rosary.

When the truck left, he cried.

Brian wanted to comfort him, but he had no idea what to say, and only slightly understood why he was crying.

Maybe once he saw the pieces, safely ensconced in New York, he’d be okay.

Two days later they were both packing.   
“You don’t have to come with me.”  
Brian continued packing.  
Justin was cracking the knuckles on his right hand, a sound that made Brian grit his teeth but he was pretty sure Justin wasn’t aware that he even did it.   
“Brian, Lindsay probably isn’t ready to be left alone, and…”   
Brian's expression made him stop.  
“We’re going to New York, plane’s leaving in two hours.”  
Brian flashed on their last few outings to the city. The fear in Justin’s eyes, the hot night at the club, the absolute terror in his expression when he thought Brian had left. There was no way Brian was letting him go alone.  
Justin sat on the bed and just watched Brian pack. “It’s only one night, and you’re going to be bored.”  
“Well maybe you can think of something to do to entertain me.”  
Justin tried to smile but he was dreading an entire day and night in a hotel room with Brian. And then he felt so guilty for feeling that way. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.

Brian glanced over at Justin, sitting dejectedly on the bed. He was packing for the both of them. He wanted to comfort him, but he no longer knew how, and he was angry. Angry that Justin wasn’t taking care of himself; angry that he didn’t know how to make him do so. 

They both hugged Lindsay goodbye, and promised to call, and they were off. Justin got drunk than Brian on the flight, a switch for them, and passed out almost as soon as they entered the hotel suite.

He came to a few hours later, breathing fast and shallow.

Brian was sitting at the table and smoking. 

“You okay?”  
Brian had tried, countless times to comfort Justin and nothing he did seemed to work, he decided to try a different, less hands on approach.

“What? yeah, fine, just gonna take a shower and…” Justin glanced at the clock, it was only 7 in the evening “Get to the gallery, make sure they didn’t hang anything upside down.”  
Brian nodded. Saying nothing.

Justin was relieved. As much as he felt better, safer, loved when Brian soothed him, he also felt guilty and stupid and pathetic for needing anyone to do so, and even worse for asking Brian to. Brian was good at a lot of things, tenderness wasn’t one of them and Justin didn’t like the feeling of forcing Brian into a role that made him unhappy.

He showered, letting the ice cold water hit his skin. It hurt, but it also made him take deep breaths, and somehow calmed him more than a relaxing hot shower would. His teeth were chattering and his lips were blue when he finally emerged.

He pulled on a robe and started to riffle through the suitcase trying to find something suitable to wear for the meeting.

Brian stood behind him, pulling him backwards, leaning Justin against his broad chest. His hand was about to move down Justin’s naked body when he stopped.  
“Jesus Christ Justin, you’re freezing.”  
Justin leaned against him. “Shower water was cold.”  
Brian turned him around and looked into his blue eyes, and then took in the fact that his lips were a similar shade and his teeth were chattering.  
“What the fuck, are you okay?”  
Justin smiled, “I told you the shower was cold.”  
”Cold showers, you don’t think we have time to get rid of your sexual frustration the old fashioned way?”  
Brian leaned in to kiss him, but his need to taste Justin, to feel Justin relax his body against him was actually secondary at this moment to his utter desire to see Justin's lips a color not usually found in morgues.

He kissed him slowly, until he felt Justin return the kiss, and respond. Soon Justin's cold skin was blushing back to a more normal hue. His hands were working at removing Brian's shirt as his body was busy showing Brian just how much warmth it was able to give.

Eventually Justin lost himself in the kiss and pulled Brian on top of him, only to laugh as he banged himself against the suitcase that was directly behind him on the bed.

“Ow”  
Brian looked up and realized what had happened. He pulled Justin up and pushed the suitcase off the bed. At this point, he may as well have let Justin pack, everything was going to need ironing again but he didn’t care. He kissed each part of Justin, stopping and spending a little extra time when he found a spot that was still cold from the shower. His hot mouth and tongue heating Justin's entire body until Justin was shaking and shivers were running down his spine, but for an entirely different reason.

When Brian finally flipped Justin over, pulling his robe off of him, his skin was flushed with color, and his need was apparent. As Brian put on a condom and slowly pushed into him, Justin moaned, an involuntary sound from deep in his throat.

Brian kneeled behind him and rubbed his hands up and down Justin's back, as Justin matched his rhythm, pushing back against him as he buried himself deep into the blonde’s ass.

When Justin reached down, bringing himself to orgasm, Brian's movements quickened, and soon they both collapsed on the bed silently.

Justin curled up against Brian. “We haven’t done that in a while.”  
“Three whole days.”  
”Has it been that long?”  
Brian laughed and Justin snuggled closer to Brian. “You know, I don’t have an actual appointment with Ranston today, and I suppose some of my work could be viewed just as enjoyably upside down.

“You want to just stay in?”  
”Yes please.”  
Brian pulled Justin closer, wondering if there was any way he could convince Justin that it was just as okay to take a night like this in their own home as it was to do so in this suite in New York.

Justin was a wreck the next day. No matter what Brian offered as a distraction Justin continued to simply sit on the bed and shake.

“I’m sorry I’m being so stupid.”  
“You’re not stupid, you’re sick.”  
”I’m not sick.”  
Brian looked at him, curled up into himself in fleece pants, a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie his teeth still chattering.   
“If you’re not sick, you’re doing an amazing acting job.”  
Brian called room service and ordered chicken soup.   
“I don’t want any.”  
“I didn’t ask.”  
“Brian I can’t eat today, I’m too nervous about the show, I need to go, to walk off some of this nervous energy.”  
Brian shrugged, “Put on some shoes, we’ll go for a walk.”  
Justin looked at him, “I think I need to go alone.”  
“Bullshit.”  
”Brian, I’m just worried about the show okay, I’ll be fine.”  
You eat the soup, you can go walk around all you want, but the last thing I saw you eat was two days ago, and I’m not really looking to have you pass out alone in central park, it’s not on the itinerary.”  
Justin began pacing, cracking his knuckles, grinding his teeth together to keep them from chattering.  
“I eat the soup and I can go?”  
“Eat the soup and I’ll stop holding you captive.”  
“What is this, magic soup?”  
”You know what, do whatever the fuck you want, you always do. Go, take a long walk in central park, do whatever you have to do but pull yourself together.”  
Justin wasn’t surprised at the tone in Brian's voice; he’d been expecting it for weeks, if not months now. Brian had his limits, and somehow Justin always managed to push him just over them. It was just a matter of time.

Justin pushed his feet into a pair of sneakers and stormed out.

“Fuck.”  
Brian fought the urge to go after him for several seconds, and then walked out of the room determined to find Justin.

It was a short search, he’d made it to the elevator before he’d felt the sudden need to sit down, he was tired, his legs were shaking like he’d just run a marathon, and he had no idea where he was going. Tears were falling unheeded down his face.

Brian found him like that several seconds later and simply put out his hand.  
Justin took the proffered hand and followed Brian back to the room.

“Why don’t we start this conversation over?”  
Justin still crying nodded.

“Want to go for a walk?”  
Justin shook his head.  
“Want some soup.”  
Justin nodded.  
“See, life is much easier when you just fucking listen to me isn’t it.”  
Justin nodded again, looking up and smiling a little.  
“You’re not always right you know.”  
”Yeah, I’m sure I’ll be wrong someday, and as soon as I am, I know you’ll be there to point it out.”  
Justin lay down on top of the covers.  
Brian answered the door, signed for the soup and hung a do not disturb sign on the knob.

He brought the soup back to Justin who made a halfhearted attempt at eating it before curling back up.

Brian folded the covers so that they were covering his dangerously small frame and went back to reading the paper, hoping something horribly tragic had happened to some earnest hard working nun in some third world country so that he could find something to laugh about.

PITTSBURGH  
Emmett and Ted and Blake all made it to Deb’s Friday dinner. Michael and Ben were there as well, but hunter had a date and was unable to attend.

Lindsay was still a little hesitant about it but Deb had insisted. The conversation flowed easily, and Lindsay remembered how much she really did miss her friends. Michael was thrilled to see JR, but his opportunities to actually hold her were few, as Deb seemed unwilling to relinquish the girl. She went about serving dinner with the baby on her hip.

“So you finally broke down and got a dog?” Emmett asked.  
Ted smiled, “we did.”  
Blake laughed, “you know, I was the one who wanted the dog, and I think teed loves her more than I do.”  
“Well, she’s so cute, have you guys seen the latest pictures?” and Ted began passing around pictures of the small Yorkie terrier they’d recently purchased. “Her name is bluebonnet, but we just call her blue.”  
They all smiled indulgently.  
Lindsay was starting to really relax when Melanie appeared at the door.  
“Should have known you’d just fall back into your old rhythms.”  
”Mel. W What is you doing here?”  
”I came to see if you’d poisoned all of my friends against me.” Melanie looked around the room. “Why am I not surprised that you go for the friends with dicks.”  
Carl took a step forward, preventing Debbie and Ben and Emmett from getting any closer to Mel, they all had dangerous looks in their eyes.

Michael had taken JR upstairs with Gus; he was trying to keep the kids from seeing too much of this.

“Melanie.” Carl spoke slowly, trying to keep things calm. “I’m going to need you to leave, there’s a Protection From Abuse order, a PFA that says you can’t be here right now.”  
”You think I don’t know what a PFA is you fucking asshole, I’m a goddamned lawyer.”  
“Mel, I know you know what it is, I just wanted you to understand your rights, so I need you to leave, why don’t you just go home, and tomorrow we can…”  
“Carl, shut the fuck up.”  
“Mel, look, why don’t you and I talk outside.” Ben tried.  
“Right, like you’re gonna help, you’re trying to take my kid away.”  
“Mel, no one’s trying to do anything right now, we’re just trying to save you from getting arrested.”  
“Save me? You’re trying to save me? Well, what the fuck do I need saving from? Lindz, why don’t you and I go outside and talk, this whole thing has gotten too fucking ridiculous.”  
Lindsay was about to take a step forward when Emmett held her hand, he didn’t pull her back, or restrain her, he simply offered his support. Lindsay gratefully accepted, squeezing Emmett’s hand tightly.  
“Mel, I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”  
“Melanie, I have to ask you to leave or I’m going to have to arrest you.” Carl said softly, trying not to upset the woman any further. Melanie glared at him, and eventually turned and stormed off.

“Well, that was…bracing.” Emmett said.  
Lindsay sat on the sofa and bit her lip, forcing herself not to cry. “I’m sorry, to all of you.”  
“What the fuck is you apologizing for? She’s the raving lunatic.” Deb said.  
“Well, I didn’t mean to ruin your dinner, and it was lovely Deb, it really was, I’m just so sorry that you all had to…”  
“Lindz, it’s okay, it’s not your fault.” Lindsay looked at Ben and wished she could believe him.

We’d better go she made a move to head upstairs and collect Gus and JR but Ben stopped her. “I think I’d really like you to stay with Michael and me tonight, I don’t like to think about you being all alone.”  
Lindsay smiled, “I’m sure we’ll be just fine.”  
“Honey, are you really sure, she looked pretty angry.” Emmett asked.  
Lindsay smiled again trying to look determined and brave. She looked scared, and pleading. “Stay with us Lindz.” Michael watching Mel leave from the window had returned, with JR, Gus trailing behind him.  
“Maybe just for tonight. Brian and Justin will be back tomorrow and…” Lindsay trailed off, not really sure what Brian and Justin’s return had to do with any of it. 

“Well now that we’ve got that settled, who wants some fucking dessert?” Debbie asked.  
“Ooh me” Ted answered and they all returned to the table for coffee, and cake and each of them tried in their own way to make Lindsay feel better, and for the most part it worked.

NEW YORK

Brian woke Justin up an hour before they had to be at the gallery. He’d been sleeping fitfully but sleeping and Brian wasn’t particularly happy about having to wake him but he actually did have a contractual obligation to be there.

Justin was groggy, and rubbed his eyes, Brian handed him some clothes. “C’mon sunshine, your adoring public awaits.”  
Justin yawned. “Can’t they await for a little while longer?”  
“The sooner you do this, the sooner we can get home.”  
Brian would love to keep Justin in New York, specifically in this hotel room for longer than a couple of nights, somehow, he seemed to sleep a little better here, but he knew that Justin was anxious to get back, and he was a bit anxious himself about leaving Lindsay on her own for too long.  
Justin put on the black pants and turtleneck Brian had handed him.   
“Christ, when was the last time you got a haircut?” Brian asked, his hair was getting long again, and between the blonde locks and the black turtleneck, Justin's face looked even paler and more drawn.   
Justin shrugged, “I think it was before I moved to New York, so like, seven months, why, does it look bad?”  
Brian nodded in that manner he had that meant the entirely opposite, and Justin smiled. “I don’t have to stay for the whole show this time, I just have to be there to chat. Promise me we can come back early.”  
“Sure.”

Justin was still shaking when they got out of the cab a block from the studio. Brian had pretty much assumed Justin’s nerves would hit him hardest right before the show, which is why he’d left them some time before they were due.

He pulled Justin close to him, kissing the top of his head, and felt the smaller mans body trembling against his. He knew it was more than nerves, and vowed to himself that Justin was going to see a doctor as soon as they got back. Justin leaned his head back and Brian kissed him. Justin's arms snaked around Brian's neck, pulling him down for a deeper kiss. 

“You ready?”  
”To go home? Absolutely.”  
”Lets go.”  
And Brian pulled him towards the gallery, opening the door and watching as Justin circulated, smiling and talking to the patrons.

Brian looked at Justin's work happy not to see himself staring back from a 10-foot canvas this time. Instead they were showing three distinctly different works. The first was an abstract portrait or at least at seemed to be at first glance but as you moved closer you saw that each square was a smaller picture, a smile, a hand, an outstretched arm, it was an amazing piece.

The second was the Pittsburgh skyline, but from an odd angle, as if it were done by someone lying on the street looking directly up, the buildings seemed higher, and to be closing in on you. It was powerful. The third was apparently one of the ones recently delivered, it was smaller, a study in texture and form, light and shadow it was… Brian smiled, stepped back, turned his head to the side, and laughed, it was upside down, and it was his knee, he recognized the small black line from when he’d fallen off his bike onto gravel when he was 8, Justin had painted his knee. 

Brian’s gaze moved around the room and found Justin, their eyes met, and Brian raised his eyebrows suggestively. Justin's fake smile became real.

About an hour later Justin took Brian's wrist and said, “lets go.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Couldn’t be more sure.”  
They had almost made it to the door when Ranston stopped them. “Justin, it was great to see you. Can we speak for a moment?”  
”I guess.”

Justin walked back into the room with the older man. Brian stood where he was, watching Justin’s face as they spoke. 

A few minutes later they were outside hailing a cab.  
“What did he want?”  
“Nothing much, he got all the pieces in, undamaged, which we already knew, and he said that after looking at them, he was surprised.”  
“Good surprised?”  
“Yeah, I guess it’s good, apparently most artist’s first shows, well, a lot of the work is utter crap, and so they ask for a lot more than they need, because you know, to fill a gallery, well, he said that he wasn’t aware that so many of the pieces I’d be submitting would be so large in scale, plus, he said the stuff was good, so he doesn’t really need anything more for the show.”  
Brian looked at Justin, ignoring the passing cabs now.   
“So you’re done?”  
Well, I mean if I want to submit more, they’ll be happy to show it, but yeah, he feels confident that they have enough to fill the gallery and that most of it will sell.” Justin swallowed hard.  
“So you’re done.”  
“I think I’m done.”  
Brian smiled, it was that same stupid smile he’d had the day Justin had told him he was back, when they had breakfast at the diner. It was creeping Justin out a little.  
Brian picked Justin up and kissed him hard. “We should celebrate, this is quite an accomplishment.”  
“Yeah, I guess so.”  
Brian looked at him. “You’d rather just go to sleep wouldn’t you?”  
Justin melted against him. “Yes.”  
Brian smiled even wider, “lets get our stuff and get out of this hick town.”

They were on the next flight back to Pittsburgh. Brian called the hotel and had them forward their belongings. Neither of them felt like stopping to pack.


	19. All Mistakes are Temporary

if for some reason you can't find chapters 20+ here, it's also listed as "the end done right at   
http://www.valerielewis.net/bj/fic.html

* * *

Chapter 19

By the time Justin and Brian actually returned to the house they were both too wired to sleep so they found other ways to occupy themselves, and eventually they both drifted off, entangled in the sheets and each other.

Justin awoke a few hours later, it was almost six am. He pulled on a pair of jeans and locked the studio door behind him as he tried to focus on what to do next.

There was nothing to do. The show was done, there were other works he’d planned, but he just couldn’t seem to motivate himself to begin any of them. 

He left the studio a few hours later not quite sure what to do with himself.

Brian awoke to an empty bed. He looked at the clock, it was just after 8. He’d gotten a call from Michael last night, which had given him the gist of what had happened at Deb’s house. He was glad Lindsay was staying with them. He figured she’d be back this afternoon sometime.

He pulled on a pair of jeans and headed downstairs. He was surprised to find Justin in the kitchen.

“You want something for breakfast?” Justin asked him as he poured two cups of coffee.   
Brian shrugged. “I’ll make eggs.”  
Brian watched as Justin made two omelets, and put them both down on the table. When Justin returned with toast and sat down Brian tried to hide his surprise. He did a lousy job.  
“Would you stop looking at me like that, I told you I’d be better once I finished the work for the show. I finished the work for the show.” Justin punctuated the sentence by shoving a healthy forkful of eggs into his mouth.  
Brian took a bite of his own omelet. “Not bad.”  
Justin smiled and Brian felt a part of him that had been knotted tightly for the past few months start relax.   
“So what do you want to do today?”  
Brian chewed thoughtfully. “Today would be a great day to read the paper, and take a nap.  
“Since when do you nap?”  
”Since I feel like neither of us has actually slept in months.”  
“We could pick up Gus and Lindsay and JR and go to Hershey Park”  
Brian simply looked at Justin  
“Valid point, bad idea.”  
Brian didn’t really have to say anything; he just wasn’t an amusement park kind of person.  
“We could argue over what we’re going to do about the parlor.”  
“Library.”  
“Sitting room?”  
”Back room.”  
“Home office?”  
”Dungeon.”  
Justin laughed, and the knot inside Brian's chest unknotted a little bit more.  
“We could actually figure out what’s in those boxes.”  
“Nothing, I’ll call someone and have them donated to charity.”  
“You know you can’t do that until you at least get your personal stuff out of there.”  
“I could have it all hauled away as trash.”  
“Brian, there’s probably stuff in there worth keeping.”  
Brian shrugged, “If I haven’t missed any of it yet, I don’t see when I might.”  
Justin yawned.  
“What time did you wake up?”  
”Little before six.”  
”So you got a whopping two and a half hours of sleep.”  
“It’s good to be young, I understand as you get older, you need more sleep.” Justin nodded knowingly at Brian. “It’s okay, I understand, you’re slowing down.” He put a sympathetic hand on Brian's   
Brian gave him a look that shut him up quickly.  
“We could promise to have an entire day of not nagging.”  
“I don’t nag.”  
“Right, perpetual reminders, they’re very different from nagging because…” Justin looked at him questioningly “How are they different from nagging again, I always forget.”  
Brian laughed. And stood up, taking Justin's hand, “why don’t you and I take advantage of the fact that there is no Gus, no Lindsay, no JR, no friends, no family, no work in the studio to get back to, no calls from Cynthia to return…” he had already removed Justin's shirt and was beginning to work on his pants when Justin's hands slipped under his shirt.

The next several hours were spent christening parts of the house they had missed at other times in their endeavors to make every spot of this house their home.

They were finally spent, sweaty, exhausted, and naked, leaning against the couch in the great room and surveying the damage they’d done to the dining room, the table runner was crumpled in a corner somewhere, and several of the chairs were lying like fallen soldiers on the floor.

“I may have to re arrange my top ten list to add today.”  
Justin laughed, I’ve given up trying to keep track. He looked up at Brian, “How many of your top ten were with me.”  
Brian seemed to consider this for a minute. “At least one, IF I rearrange the list to add today.”  
Justin laughed and elbowed him in the chest lightly. “Asshole.”  
“We should have Daphne and that guy she’s seeing over for dinner.”  
”We should?” Justin knew that Brian hated dinner parties, so him bringing up the topic was more than surprising.  
“And maybe Michael and Ben, I think we technically owe them dinner.”  
“Brian Kinney are you going all domestic on me?”  
”No, I’m just thinking that there are a lot of people who would be happy to see your re-entrance into humanity after your brief period as a recluse.”  
“I was not a recluse.”  
”36 hours straight in the studio, three hours sleep, bottle of water, pack of cigarettes, repeat.”  
”I was not that bad.”  
Brian shrugged, invite them over for tomorrow.  
“Really? You’re sure.”  
”No, I changed my mind.”  
Justin got up to make the calls, which would have been easier if Brian weren’t standing behind him and nibbling on his neck as he extended the invitations.

Once he was off the phone with Daphne, Michael and Ben had accepted their invitation, and promised to bring Hunter to watch the kids so Lindsay could join them, he turned his full attention back to Brian.  
Mmmmmm, I’ve missed this, he was licking Brian's nipple, swirling his ever-talented tongue.  
“My tit? It’s been right here.” Brian arched his back, reveling in the feel of Justin's mouth.   
Justin leaned back, looking up at him “Brian, do me a favor.”  
“Mmmmmm?”  
”Shut up.”  
“Mmmmmm”  
And a few of the kitchen chairs joined their fallen comrades in arms on the floor.

Brian finally coaxed Justin back to bed, where they did nothing more interesting than sleep, for most of the day. It was well after five before they both decided that fighting their hunger was no longer a viable option.

They ordered a pizza, and ate it in front of the TV, watching the movie Diner.  
“I can’t believe you’ve never seen this film.”  
“It was made like the year I was born.”  
“No, it wasn’t but even so, it’s a classic.”  
“I don’t get it.”  
”Shut up and watch.”  
“The entire left side of the menu?”  
”Classic.”  
They sat in silence through the rest of the movie   
“Good casting though.”  
“Mmmmmm hmmm”  
“Somewhere around 8 they saw the lights come on in Lindsay's house.”  
“I’m gonna go help her tuck Gus in, Brian said, pulling on a pair of jeans and pushing his feet into a pair of shoes. Still shirtless he walked across the lawn to see how Lindsay was doing.

A few minutes after Brian left it happened.  
Justin's heart started racing, his body felt as if it were tensed into one giant cramp. He made it to the bathroom just in time as the pizza came back up. He didn’t know what to do. He sat on the bathroom floor, crying.

Everything was fine. The show was done, the party was done, Brian was okay, he was okay, he and Brian were okay together, why was he suddenly so horribly scared. He couldn’t stop the tears. He couldn’t stop shaking, he couldn’t breathe.

He stayed there, hiding in the guest bathroom for a while, and when he finally pulled himself together enough to splash cold water on his face and took a couple of ragged breaths, he realized that it was probably just a reaction to so much food, and so much relaxation after being so stressed for so long. He wanted to laugh at himself for having gotten so scared, but he wasn’t quite ready to laugh yet.

He was ready to go back to sleep however and that’s where Brian found him when he returned from Lindsay’s a little over an hour later, asleep in bed.

Brian, who had been sleeping significantly more than Justin over the past few months wasn’t quite ready for sleep and so busied himself with a project he was hoping he wouldn’t need, as he researched a few of Justin's symptoms, wondering if there was a reasonable explanation for his behavior or if the kid might just be going insane.

It was after midnight when Brian finally lay down in bed. Only a moment after he slid his body beneath the sheets Justin seemed to sense his presence and curled up around him. And Brian felt Justin’s even breathing against his chest and exhaled slowly, falling asleep within minutes.

Justin had gone to bed at around nine thirty, so when he looked at the clock and saw that it was 11:30 he wasn’t surprised. When he finally came to, and realized that it was 11:30 am he was concerned.

He jumped in the shower, moving quickly.  
He pulled on a pair of clean but paint encrusted cargo pants, and an equally paint covered t-shirt. He sat on the bed, to put on socks and finished tying his sneakers. He looked for his wallet and couldn’t find it, trying to retrace his steps he realized the last place he’d had it was the hotel. 

“I need money.”  
Brian just looked at him.  
“I left my wallet in the hotel room and we’ve got people coming for dinner and nothing to feed them. Give me your credit card so I can go grocery shopping.”  
“I’ll go with you.” Brian stood up  
“I’m fine, I just don’t have my wallet.”  
“And I have mine, let’s go.”  
“Brian you’re a pain in the ass at the supermarket, I don’t have time for this, just give me the fucking credit card.”  
“I’m a pain in the ass at the supermarket. Who can’t make a decision between vermicelli and linguine?”  
“Fuck you, I’m… deliberate about my choices, you just throw anything into the cart and then we don’t eat half of it.”  
Brian was about to say something, reminding Justin that he wasn’t the one who didn’t eat, but had sworn off the nagging for a while, especially after yesterday. Justin had eaten, and slept and obviously was feeling better.  
Brian shrugged, “we’re out of Pom juice, Pelligrino and bread.”  
“Whole grain or 12 grain.”  
”Why don’t you deliberate, and decide for us.”  
Justin smiled and kissed his nose. “You’re still an asshole.”  
Brian handed Justin his debit card. “Get yourself some cash too, if you don’t have your wallet, we probably won’t get it back for a couple more days.”  
Justin shrugged, he had no intention of taking Brian's money, but that was an argument for another day. He didn’t mind when Brian paid for things, especially since it was true that his art supplies for the show had been expensive, and no matter how quickly he got to the check, Brian was always just that much faster, but he had never asked Brian for cash, even when he really needed it, and now that he didn’t he just wasn’t going to get in the habit of counting on Brian for everything.

He pulled out of the driveway, and realized he’d forgotten about Lindsay. He gave her a quick call. “Hey, I’m going food shopping, you need anything?”  
”No, we’re all set here, but thanks for asking.”  
“You doing okay?”  
”Yeah, I’m fine, we’re all fine.”  
“You’re coming for dinner tonight right?”  
”I’m not sure, if I feel up to it I’ll be there.”  
”Please come.”  
”Well, it sounds like it’s going to be a couples thing and…”  
Justin laughed, “Daphne has been with this guy…Brad, Chad, something like that, for all of five months, they’re hardly a couple, and Michael and Ben, are well, Michael and Ben, and if you don’t come I’m going to tell Brian that he is having a “couple’s thing” and then he’ll go off and get drunk and leave me and it’ll be all your fault.”  
Lindsay laughed, “Fine, for the sake of your relationship with Brian I’ll be there.”  
”And Lindz, for the sake of my relationship with Brian…don’t ever say that I have a relationship with Brian in front of him.”  
Lindsay laughed again, “you know, I think he actually is aware of it now.”  
“Doesn’t mean he likes to admit it in public.”  
“Point taken.”  
“You sure you don’t need anything?”  
”Well, if you’re going to be at the store, a box of cheerios, and some whole milk wouldn’t be completely unwelcome.”  
“Lindz, you don’t even have a car, are you sure you don’t need anything else?”  
“No, I’m fine, and I’m getting my car back soon.”  
”Fine, cheerios, and milk.  
“Oh and white bread and American cheese.”  
”Okay now I’m going to have to start making a list.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
”And I’m kidding, white bread, American cheese, cheerios, and milk. Do you want any grown up food, or is everyone eating like a toddler in the house?”  
Justin knew Lindsay well enough to know that she’d ask for what Gus or JR needed, but she’d never admit to wanting something for herself. “Never mind, I’ll bring you a few things, at least until you get your car.”  
“Thanks Justin.”  
”Anytime, hey, did you hear the news, I’m done working on stuff for the show.”  
”Brian told me, you know that’s really impressive.”  
”You’re still coming right?”  
”Hey, I practically discovered you, do you think I’d miss this?”  
”Good, I need at least one friendly eye in the crowd.”  
“I think there will be more than one.”  
“It’s still nerve wracking to think about, I mean, my stuff is easily overlooked against some of the other artists works that they show, but this will be, ALL my stuff, I mean NOTHING but my stuff…”  
“Justin, your work is amazing, and powerful, and from what I hear, not so easily ignored, I heard almost everything you’ve shown has sold.”   
“Yeah, except for Brian's knee.”  
Lindsay laughed, “You painted Brian's knee? The one with the scar he hates?”  
“Yeah, and they hung it upside down. Maybe that’s why no one bought it.”  
Lindsay was trying to stop laughing. “Why exactly did you paint his knee?”  
”It was an exercise in texture and shading.”  
”Pfft, you were sketching and his knee was in your line of vision.”  
“And that.”  
Lindsay was still laughing when Justin said goodbye to her and parked in front of the huge grocery store. It wasn’t until he was actually there that he realized he had no idea what he was serving for dinner.

Two hours later he pulled back into the garage, the car loaded down with groceries. Brian appeared to help him carry in most of the bags.

“These three need to go to Lindz’s, can you take them over? I want start marinating the chicken for dinner.”  
Brian looked at his watch. Dinner’s not for six hours.  
“I want to get started, I want everything to be…”  
“Perfect?”  
”Yes, now take the milk over to Lindz before it’s cottage cheese.”

 

Lindsay met him at the door, and took two of the bags out of Brian's hands just in time to keep him from dropping them as Gus launched himself into his father’s free arm.  
“Hey sonny-boy.”  
“Daddy, guess what? Me and Sam were at the ocean and we saw a big lizard and after it went swimming we brought it home and mom said we couldn’t keep it and made us take it back to the ocean but it followed us home anyway cause Sam and Shelby are gonna keep it.”  
Brian looked up at Lindsay waiting for a translation.  
“The pond, behind the old barn, Gus has decided it’s the ocean. They saw a frog, we took it back, but now apparently Sam, his dog Shelby, and the frog are living happily together.”  
”And I still shouldn’t be worried?”  
“Your son has a very active imagination, it’s the sign of a creative mind.”  
“If you say so.”  
”Brian, Justin is too sweet.”  
Lindsay was unloading grocery bags in the kitchen, Brian was sitting on the floor with Gus and his trucks, JR had sat down leaning against Brian's chest as he lay on his side. He looked up at her comment with questioning eyes.

I asked for milk and bread, she waved her hand displaying the vast array of things that weren’t milk and bread that Justin had sent over with Brian. Brian laughed.  
“He takes care of people.”  
”Everyone but himself.”  
“I think he’s doing better, at least I hope he is.”  
”You’re really worried about him.”  
“I was.”  
”We all were.”  
”Now you’re not?”  
”We trust you Brian, you won’t let him fall too far.”  
Brian stood up abruptly. “I’ve got to get back, I’ll see you tonight?”  
”Of course.”  
He kissed her, and put JR back down on the play rug with Gus. “You take care of your sister okay?”  
“I always do daddy.”  
Brian kissed the top of Gus’s head, fished a cigarette out of his pocket and smoked it while he wandered around the property.  
“We all trust you Brian, you won’t let him fall too far.” They were fucking stupid. Why would anyone trust him? Brian tried not to be angry but he couldn’t help it. Fuck them, fuck Justin and his unwillingness to take care of himself, fuck Deb and Ben and Lindsay and Jennifer and anyone else who thought it was his job to take care of Justin, who thought he could do it. Who told them he could do it? The more he thought about it the angrier he got, what if Justin had fallen, what if the work hadn’t been “perfect” what if he had finished the work too late and had actually collapsed? Why was everyone so sure he had the answers? Brian ran his hand through his hair and suddenly regretted the spur of the moment dinner party decision. He regretted it more when he got back to the house and found Justin setting the table. It was 3:00 dinner wasn’t for five hours.

“You really think people are going to be here that early?”  
”Shut up, I just wanted to get this out of the way so I could get started on dinner prep.”  
“You’re cooking something that takes five hours?”  
”No you freak, but I need to wash the endive for the salad, and chop the garlic and vegetables for the…”  
Brian shrugged, “do whatever you have to.” And went to the den where he rolled himself a joint, and got slowly mellowly stoned while seething inside at everyone who had decided that this was up to him to fix.

Dinner actually went well, Justin was surprised by Daphne’s new boyfriend, he wasn’t the type she usually went for, he was…well he was nice to her, which was a change from most of the guys she’d been dating and he was also relatively smart and charming. He and Ben seemed to have quite a bit in common as the evening wore on. Lindsay seemed to be in a good mood, and Justin was feeling like he might just make it though the evening without falling apart.

Brian was watching Justin carefully, he kept moving during the entire meal, constantly getting up to get something he’d forgotten, or clearing away dishes, he never stopped and he never ate. 

After dinner Justin suggested coffee and desert in the great room, and he went into the kitchen to start the coffee. He finished putting the beans into the machine, and setting it to brew, and then ground his teeth at the sound of the beans grinding. He turned away from it and knocked one of the dishes that had been sitting on the edge of the sink onto the floor. The plate shattered. 

Justin stared at it, unable to focus, unable to breathe. His brain spun, the tears were flowing down his face and he had no idea why, he started to yell but he couldn’t seem to make a sound, instead he just picked up the entire stack of plates and threw them down with full force watching them shatter at his feet.

Brian heard the sound of a dish breaking and laughed, “fuck, he’s gonna make me go back to that stupid store and buy more dishes.”  
Ben said something and they all chuckled and then he heard the louder crash of breaking glass and this time with more force. He moved quickly, and found Justin, tears streaming, his body shaking with the force of his sobs hurling dishes at the floor. Brian tried to step towards him but the look in Justin's eyes was frightening. “One fucking dinner party” Justin said, “I can’t even fucking get through one fucking dinner party.” He was practically keening doubled over as if in pain. His entire body wracked with each sob.

Michael and Daphne came to the kitchen to see what was wrong; Brian motioned them away. Michael tried to take a step forward. Brian glared at him.  
“Get the fuck out.” They all filed out of the house rather quickly, not sure what was going on but somewhat sure that Brian was better equipped to handle it than they were. Lindsay took in the kitchen scene and wasn’t sure at all. While it was easy to focus on Justin and the pain he was clearly experiencing, she knew the look in Brian's eyes too well to ignore it. He had shut down. His face was blank. He took a step forward. “Justin.”  
“Fuck off Brian.”  
“Justin, just…”  
Brian looked down as he stepped on a shattered piece of glass and noticed Justin wasn’t wearing shoes. Justin had smashed the coffee pot and the steaming brew was pooling around his bare feet, as well as broken dishes and, Christ, was that blood? He tried to think. Justin rarely if ever wore shoes in the house, but had he actually served dinner without them? The floor was covered in shards of glass and pottery and he wasn’t sure what was next. Justin was still crying, still yelling, telling him, them to go away. Brian looked and suddenly noticed that Lindsay hadn’t left.

Justin inwardly was trying to pull himself together, he felt as if he were imploding. He’d left a plastic plate on a hot burner once, and it had melted inwards, it’s how he felt now, as if he were melting into himself, as if everything were closing in on him. He tried to focus and was suddenly as intent on cleaning up the mess he’d just made as he had been on creating it, but he was doing it automatically. 

Brian watched Justin take a step forward not seeming to notice that he was walking barefoot over broken glass. “Justin.” Brian tried to keep his voice calm. Justin was kneeling on the floor now sweeping together the broken pieces that were near him with his hands. “Justin.” Brian tried again, but Justin backed away, putting his hand down on a piece of broken coffee pot, the hot glass cut into him and Brian saw the blood. There seemed to be a lot of it. He was starting to really panic. Brian realized that the glass had cut Justin's wrist. The blood began to pool next to the crying man on the floor mixing with the hot coffee and broken glass.   
“Justin.” Brian took a step towards him again, “you’re hurting yourself.” Justin’s eyes were blank. “Brian?”  
There were tears streaming down his face but his body now seemed to be still, his shaking had stopped, the body wrenching sobs had stopped, but the tears continued to flow.

Justin suddenly became aware of his surroundings, became aware of what he’d done. All he had wanted was to make Brian happy; he looked up and saw Brian's eyes, and there was emotion there, but nothing that resembled happiness. He tried to breathe but the he couldn’t seem to pull in any oxygen. He just wanted to apologize, to leave, to give Brian what he wanted, which was not to be responsible for him anymore. He stood up, his hand was wet, he wiped it on his pants and started to run. 

Brian watched Justin stand up, he seemed cognizant now, aware of his surroundings, and then he bolted. 

Brian took two long strides noticing that Justin was leaving bloody footprints on the floor and a trail of deep burgundy dots as the blood dripped down his hand and off of his finger. Brian was about to say something when Justin turned around to look at him. Suddenly his eyes seemed to roll back in his head and he crumpled to the floor.

Brian watched, unable to move, he wanted to catch him, to keep him from falling but he was just out of reach and it happened so fast. He was down on the hard marble of the foyer before Brian could prevent it. His body seemed to almost bounce from the force of the landing. He picked Justin up, and carried him to the bedroom where he pulled lifted Justin's hand, which was still bleeding profusely. He was relieved to see that while he had cut his palm, he had not in fact done any damage to his wrist or any major arteries. He pulled the piece of glass out, and grabbed a towel to stop the bleeding. 

Justin! This time he was yelling. The kid was out cold.  
“I’ll call an ambulance” it was Lindsay.  
Justin opened his eyes. “I’m fine, I’m just tired. I’m sorry I ruined dinner Brian.”  
“I think he needs a doctor Brian.”  
Brian looked at her, not knowing how or why he knew that the last thing Justin needed right now was to be pushed into an ambulance and rushed to the hospital. He just shook his head, and took a somewhat shaky breath.

“We’ll be okay Lindz, just…”  
She nodded and closed the door behind her, not at all sure either one of them would be okay, but trusting Brian to make the right decision.

Justin looked up. “Everyone left?”  
“Mmmmmm hmmm.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Me too.”  
Justin wanted to ask him what he was sorry about but he was too tired.  
He wanted to ask why Brian wouldn’t let go of his hand, but he was too tired.  
He wanted to ask if Brian still loved him but he was too scared. He wasn’t sure he could take the answer right now.  
“Brian.”  
“Yes?”  
”I’m really tired.”  
”I know sonny-boy”  
“I’m gonna go to sleep.”  
”Okay.”  
Justin turned his head to the side and closed his eyes. Brian felt his heart actually stop. He was so pale. He looked dead. He laid his hand lightly across Justin's chest, feeling the comforting rise and fall of his breathing, and the soft thump of his heart beating and he let out the breath he had been unaware he was holding. When he was sure that Justin was just sleeping and not unconscious, when he had checked his head to make sure he hadn’t hit it against the floor when he fell, when he had made sure the bleeding had stopped both on his feet and from the cut on his hand he took off his sweater and jeans and lay his head on Justin's chest, dozing to the sound of Justin's heart beating in his ear. 

Tomorrow there was a lot to do. There were doctors and conversations and apologies and promises, but tonight there was just the very reassuring sound of Justin's heart still beating.


	20. All Mistakes are Temporary

It has been mentioned to me that this is a good stopping point. I disagree, and there will be more coming.

* * *

Justin woke up sure he was dying. “I’m having a heart attack,” he thought to himself as he tried to take a deep breath, it felt as if his entire body was pinned under a heavy weight. Eventually he realized that it was Brian. 

Brian's head was lying heavily on Justin's chest, his arms draped over Justin's frame, one leg tossed casually across his ankles effectively pinning him to the bed.

“Brian.”  
Justin tried to push at him but he felt a sharp pain in his hand and some of the previous evenings events came back to him. Justin tried to figure out what to do next. Apparently Brian’s response had been to simply trap him in bed, which, under other circumstances might be fun, but right now Justin was starting to panic, a feeling he wasn’t interested in revisiting any time soon.

“Brian!” louder this time.  
Brian lifted his head. “Mmmmfff?”  
“Brian get off of me.” Justin tried again to push him off but winced as he tried to use his left hand.

Brian sat up quickly. He took Justin's arm by the wrist and pulled his hand, palm up, to examine the wound. It wasn’t bleeding anymore but he wondered if he should have taken Justin to get stitches.

Justin, finally free of Brian's dead weight tried to stand up, but suddenly sat again as he felt a sharp pain in his foot.

“What the fuck?”  
Brian watched Justin's somewhat feeble attempts at getting out of bed, or moving at all, and his concern from last night flooded back to him.  
“Sit the fuck down.”  
Justin had one of his legs resting on the opposite knee and was examining the bottom of his foot.   
“Well I have to sit down, at least until I figure out what the hell I just stepped on, I think it’s still in my foot.”  
Brian leaned over the edge of the bed and examined the floor, he didn’t see anything, and then he turned his attention to the bottom of Justin's foot. There were several cuts and scrapes on his foot and toes. As Brian turned on the bedside lamp he saw a few quick glimmers and realized that there was still glass in it. He sighed.

Less than five minutes later Brian was standing in front of Justin, holding a clean pair of jeans and t-shirt in front of his face. “Change, we’re going to the doctors.”

“I don’t need a doctor, I need tweezers, and maybe a pin or something.”

“Did it sound like a question?”  
Justin looked up at Brian and for the first time noticed his expression, it was dark, and he was working on blank, but he wasn’t accomplishing it very well at the moment.  
“Brian, seriously I just…”  
“Put on clean clothes, or you’re going to the doctor covered in blood and coffee.”  
Justin looked down at his pants, and saw that they were ruined, they were stained and there was a tear in the leg, and little spots of blood at the knees. “Fuck, I’m sorry Brian, these were expensive.”  
”Yeah, I’m very upset that you ruined a pair of pants. Now get dressed.”  
Brian was on the phone his back turned to Justin.  
“Brian I…”  
Brian shot a look over his shoulder that made Justin think twice about protesting. He silently pulled off the old pants, and noticed that his knees were speckled with blood. As he ran his hand over the scabs he felt that there was a piece of glass still there, he tried to pick it out, but his fingernails were so bitten and ragged all he ended up doing was opening the scab and causing his knee to bleed again.  
Brian finished his phone call and turned around in time to see Justin picking at his knee. His grabbed Justin's wrist, not hard, but firmly.  
“Put your fucking clothes on or I’m taking you there naked.”  
Justin looked up, trying to give Brian a flirtatious smile but he was apparently in no mood.

When Justin was dressed he stood up, and tried to walk, limping in different variations as he tried to find an angle for each foot that didn’t make it feel as if he were driving the glass deeper into his flesh. Brian watched for a couple seconds as Justin tried to ensure that the glass buried itself further into his feet and finally sighed. He grabbed Justin's sneakers with one hand and picked Justin up, flinging him over his shoulder with the other, and walked them both down to the car. Justin was still protesting when Brian actually walked past the garage.

“Look at the floor Justin…that’s your blood. He took a few steps further and turned so that Justin could see the kitchen floor. He said nothing else. He sat Justin in the car, fastened his seatbelt for him in the same way he would for Gus and then got in the drivers seat, lit a cigarette, pulled out of the garage and headed towards the doctors office.

Justin was silent. Brian glanced over and he was in deep concentration bending his left wrist back as far as it would go, and examining the cut on his hand. Brian saw it reopen and he took Justin by the wrist again “Stop that.”

They made the rest of the drive in silence. Justin wanted to apologize, but he knew it was too late for that. There were a lot of things he knew he wanted to say but he wasn’t ready, not yet.

Brian was lost in his own thoughts. He didn’t want to sit in an emergency room, so he had called one of the few doctors he knew who could be discreet. It was where he’d gone the first time he’d ever thought he had gonorrhea. It had turned out to be nothing but he’d remained his primary care physician for years. And right now, he just needed someone who could check Justin out physically. 

They pulled into the parking lot in silence and Justin opened his door. Brian leaned over him and pulled the door shut.

“We’re going to go in there, we’re gonna get you cleaned up, stitched up, whatever, and you’re not going to argue or be a general twat about it.” It wasn’t a question, or a request. It was a demand.  
Justin nodded, head down. Brian leaned over and kissed him. “You scared me last night.” He whispered.  
Justin looked up surprised. “I’m sorry.”  
Brian sighed, “Would you quit apologizing. Now wait there, I’ll be around to get you.”  
“Brian I can walk in.”  
“Without shoes?”  
Brian held up his shoes with a taunting smile and then walked around to the other side of the car.

Justin was embarrassed but the office was empty and the nurse sent them right back to an exam room. Justin sat on the crinkly paper, and Brian hopped up on the table and sat behind him, flipping his leg so that he was straddling the table he pulled Justin back against his chest. “You okay in there?” he whispered into the top of Justin's head.  
”Yeah, I’m just embarrassed.”  
Brian smiled and gave a half laugh, “yeah well you probably should be.”  
Justin wiped a tear. “I’m so…”  
“If you say you’re sorry I’m going to create a whole new bruise for the doctor to look at.” He said it quietly, and Justin opened his mouth again to apologize, but apologizing for apologizing wasn’t going to make Brian any less upset with him right now so he shut his mouth again.

The nurse came in, asked a few basic questions and took Justin's temperature, and blood pressure. 

A few minutes later the doctor walked in.

“Hey Brian.”  
“Hey doc”  
“Justin, would you like Brian to stay, he can leave if you’d be more comfortable.”  
Brian shot the doctor daggers with his eyes but the Dr. McKenzie ignored him. “Brian will you stay?” Justin asked.  
Brian shrugged against Justin's back; he hadn’t released his arm, which was still holding the blonde against him. “Where’ve I got to go?”

Dr. McKenzie started by examining Justin's hand. Looking at it carefully he eventually pulled the wound together with three stitches and bandaged it well.  
He then began to ask questions about exactly how this had happened.

Brian felt Justin tense up against him, but he let Justin tell the story, he was actually kind of interested in hearing Justin's version.

Justin’s version, as it turned out, was an exercise in revisionist history and lies by omission, but Brian didn’t interrupt.

Justin finished with a shrug “So Brian made me come here to get my hand looked at.”

“Yeah, while we’re here, why don’t you check his feet, and his knees too, since they seem to have suffered as well in the…what was it you entitled last night, minor moment of insanity?”  
Justin smiled, okay, so maybe it was more than just a moment, but I’m fine now.   
Brian nodded.  
“So stand up.”  
Justin looked at him, and then looked down at the drop he’d have to make to get off the table, and frowned.   
”Mmmmmm hmmm,” Brian turned his attention to the doctor. “Could you do me a favor and look at his feet.”

The doctor turned his attention to the bottom of Justin's feet, and after examining them under a lighted magnifying glass he swiped the bottoms with disinfectant, gave a shot of local anesthetic and went to work digging out the shards and slivers of glass.

Justin didn’t feel anything due to the shot, but he still couldn’t bear to watch. He turned his head and Brian held his hand over Justin's eyes for him. Trying not to laugh at the drama queen reaction. 

When the doctor declared that he needed Justin to remove his pants so he could check on his knees Justin hesitated.

“My knees are fine”  
“Twat.” Brian whispered softly into his ear.  
Justin sighed and removed his pants, feeling somewhat embarrassed sitting in nothing but his underwear. The doctor checked the scrape on his thigh, and then he moved on to Justin's knees, which he cleaned gently, watching as the boy winced.

Brian tightened his grip a little around the waist, still saying nothing. The doctor repeated the procedure he’d done on Justin's feet, but without an anesthetic, as the cuts weren’t as deep.

He glanced up from his work once and wondered who was in more pain, Justin, who was wincing audibly, or Brian who looked as if he might simply scream at any moment. But they both made it through okay.

He moved on to listening to Justin’s heart rate etc. and glanced down at his chart. Now if you could just step on the scale for me.

Brian saw the mutinous look cross Justin's face, and set his jaw. 

”You’ll be okay to stand now, and your feet should still be numb.”  
Justin lowered himself off of the table slowly, and the doctor handed him his pants. Justin had been dreading this. He knew he’d lost some weight, but he really didn’t know, or want to know how much. He stepped on, holding his breath.   
The Doctor set the scale, and couldn’t get a read; he moved the main bar lower, and finally got the scale to balance.  
He measured his height and wrote that down too.   
“I’d like to have some blood work done,” he looked at Brian, I know Justin doesn’t have insurance and some of these tests can be…”  
Brian interrupted him. “Do what you have to do, I’ll pay for it.”  
The doctor nodded, my nurse will be back in a moment to take the blood then Justin I’d like to talk to you in my office, Brian you can join us if Justin says it’s okay.

Brian had no intention of letting Justin say otherwise, but he just nodded.

While they waited for the nurse Justin tried. “Brian, I’ll be okay, he probably just wants to tell me that I should get an HIV test if I’m hanging around with you.”  
“Three years since your last physical? You’re supposed to get tested every six months.”  
Well, I didn’t count clinic blood tests when the nurse asked.  
Brian shrugged; “they’re doing one anyway.”

After the nurse took the last vial of blood Justin stood back up, and felt his head start to spin. But he righted himself quickly and pushed his feet into the sneakers and socks that Brian had finally returned to him. 

When they were both sitting in the office the doctor started to ask Justin some questions. “Have you been having trouble eating or sleeping lately?”  
Justin was trying to crack the knuckles on his right hand but having difficulty because he usually did it with the palm of his left, which was now bandaged and still sore.  
“I was, I was um…suffering some stress.”  
Brian decided now was not the time to interrupt.  
“I’m a little worried about your weight.”  
“Well, I have been eating mostly junk…”  
“No Justin, you’re not overweight, you’re pretty severely underweight. You’re currently tipping the scales at 118 lbs.”  
Brian took a sharp intake of breath. “Jesus fucking Christ!”   
“Brian calm down, we both knows I’ve lost weight, it’s okay, I’ll start eating better.”  
The doctor nodded, that’s a start, but I’m concerned about the possibility of anemia, as you seem to have bruises that are clearly from last night’s incident but also a few older ones as well. The doctor then began to ask a series of extraordinarily personal questions that made Brian want to hit him in the face and Justin want the floor to open up and swallow him. When Dr. McKenzie was satisfied that Justin wasn’t in any immediate danger of being beaten or fucked to death, he wrote out a couple of prescriptions. One for a multi vitamin, one for Ambien, which he assured Justin was less addictive than Xanex and shouldn’t cause any allergy issues, but would help him actually achieve REM sleep. 

Then he made the suggestion that Brian was hoping for and Justin was dreading.

“Justin, you’re obviously having some difficulties due to stress and some recent lifestyle changes. I would like to strongly recommend that you talk to a professional counselor about these issues.”  
Justin said nothing, took the scrips and simply walked out. Brian paid the nurse at the front desk, and followed him to the car.

Brian drove and Justin tried to wipe the tears without Brian noticing.  
“Allergies?”  
“Yeah, something like that.”  
“Why don’t you tell me what you’re thinking.”  
“I’m thinking that I’m going to miss you.”  
“Am I going somewhere?”  
”Brian stop it.”  
They were at a stoplight and Brian looked over at Justin. “Why are going to miss me?”  
”Because I know that I have to leave, that you want me to leave. That I’m more responsibility than you want, or can handle.”

Brian's clenched his jaw and drove the rest of the way in silence.  
Justin’s heart was breaking but he held back any more tears, trying to figure out where he was going to go. 

When they finally got back to the house the remnants of the previous night were still obvious. Magdalena wasn’t due until Tuesday.

Brian took Justin by the wrist and walked him into the den. He sat him down on the sofa and started pacing in front of him. He was trying to collect his thoughts, he’d been trying to do this all morning, nothing had worked. He wanted to say something glib, something snide, something that would make how he felt clear without forcing the point, and finally he stopped and looked at Justin, who was still staring at his hands.

“I love you.”  
Justin looked up. “What?”  
”You’re gonna make me repeat it?”  
Justin shook his head.   
“I’m going to repeat it anyway, and I’m going to talk, actually talk to you, and you’re going to listen, okay?”  
Justin was still looking at his hands, refusing to meet Brian's eyes.   
Brian took a step closer, and put his hand under Justin’s chin, until they were looking at each other. “Okay?”  
Justin nodded.

“Okay.” Brian took a deep breath, not sure how to start this, or where it would end.  
“I love you.”  
“You said that already.”  
“Shut up, I said I’d talk and you’d listen. I want you to be okay. I want you to be happy, and healthy and understand that I don’t want or need perfect. I spent a long time trying to make everyone believe that what I wanted and needed was just me, and my ability to take care of myself.   
I spent a long time lying to a lot of people, mostly to myself, but Justin, you never let me lie to you, even when I tried, you called me on it. You’ve known how I feel about you, and what I need longer than I have. And you do a fucking fantastic job of providing me with everything I need when you’re taking care of yourself. That’s because…”

Brian stopped, trying to find the words, well better words, different words, words that weren’t this naked and raw, but he didn’t have any.

“Because the only thing I actually need is you. I don’t want you to leave, and in fact, I can’t let you leave because that’ll fucking end me, so drop that line of thinking right now. What I do need is for you to be okay, and I know you’re not.”

Justin looked up quickly about to deny that he was anything other than fine.

“Don’t fucking try to lie to me now, because I’m not going to accept the lies anymore. We’re going to do something new. We’re going to have rules that YOU are required to stick to. You’re going to eat, and you’re going to sleep, you’re going to take care of yourself and you’re not going to try to pretend that you’re okay when you’re not. You’re going to let me help and you’re going to let me take care of you while you can’t.”

Justin tried to speak again and Brian put his hand up to stop him.   
“I don’t know where or when you got this obsession with everything being perfect, and I don’t think that we can fix what’s broken in you in a single day, or with a single conversation, but we’re going to talk, honestly from now on. No more pretending that you’re fine, no more lying about what’s wrong, or how wrong it is. You’re fucked up. I get that. You’re scared. I get that too. But no more lying.”

There was silence and Brian kneeled between Justin's knees. “You can talk now,” he whispered.

Justin looked up. “I’m making you miserable.”  
“No you’re not.”  
”I’m making you worried.”  
”Yes you are.”  
”You shouldn’t have to worry about me.”  
“I always have. I have worried about you since the first time I dropped you off at school and realized that you had to face an entire locker room full of boys who would happily kick your ass just for being who you are.   
I’ve had a million reasons to worry about you every day since then and I’ve pretended it didn’t matter. Pretended it didn’t hurt to watch you hurt, that I didn’t die a little when you didn’t need me. I’m fucked up, and pathetic but I like you being around, and I like taking care of you, and I like that you take care of me, and I do notice it, all the small things you do to make my life more comfortable, but you’re doing them at the expense of your own health, and that, I. Will. Not. Accept.”  
“I love you so much Brian that it scares me.”  
“Yeah, well it scares me too.”  
“Are you sure you want me to stay.”  
“Are you being dense on purpose?”  
”I just don’t understand why you’d want a basket case like me around.”  
“There’s lots of reasons, and the astounding blow jobs are just one. The others are a little more pathetic, and sappy.”  
”Are you going to make me go to a shrink?”  
”I can’t make you do anything, but I think you should, it won’t be like the useless fuck your mother took you to, but I want you safe, I want you healthy and I want you around, for a long time.”  
“I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.”  
”But you’re killing yourself Justin. You don’t eat.”  
”I’m not hungry.”  
”I understand that but Justin, you’ve dropped a lot of weight, you’re hurting yourself, and not just last nights meltdown.”  
“It was just an….”  
“Don’t try to downplay it, I was there, you imploded and then collapsed, you had a Chernobyl level meltdown, you could have hurt yourself much more than you did. And even if you hadn’t, you’ve been spiraling for weeks, maybe even months.”  
Brian picked up Justin's right hand, which was clenched in a fist. “Straighten your fingers.”  
Justin did his best to flex his hand, biting his lip to hold back the wince; his fingers were stiff this morning.  
“You’re lying right now. You won’t admit that hurts.”  
“It’s not so bad.”  
”Justin!”  
Justin flinched from the sound.  
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to scare you, but this has to stop, the lying has to stop. You’re not okay; you’re not ‘fine’. You’re nowhere close to it, and that’s okay, but you have to stop with the fucking lies. You’re not protecting me from anything, and you’re hurting yourself trying to.”  
“But if you know how fucked up I am, you won’t want me. You want pretty things, perfect things. You deserve the best.”  
“You are pretty, you are the best, and no, you’re not perfect but hell, fuck if any of us are.”  
Justin sat in silence for a moment.  
Brian was trying to be open and honest, which were two of his least favorite things to do when it came to talking about emotions, but he couldn’t let Justin leave, he couldn’t have Justin not be here, and he had no idea how to convince the strongest person he knew that he needed his strength, and his imperfections, and his sunshine smile, and his annoying inability to decide on a type of pasta and his perfect ass, all of it in bed with him at night or he couldn’t sleep.

“I can’t sleep without you drooling on my shoulder.”  
Justin smiled. “You really want me to stay, even if I’m crazy?”  
”Justin, you are batshit insane, and I can’t live without you in my life.”  
“You’re going to deny all of this later aren’t you?”  
”Most of it, but the part where you eat, you sleep, and you don’t lie to me, those parts are staying.”  
“What about the part where I give amazing blow jobs?”  
”That parts true and you know it.”  
“Why do you get to set all the rules?”  
”Because I’m not the one with the multiple injuries from his recent eschewing of sanity.”  
“You can’t just make rules for me, you’re not my dad.”  
“No, I’m not, because unlike your dad I have a vested interest in your well-being. I actually care if you live or die. I also care if while you’re busy not dying you’re happy.”  
“Are you happy Justin?”  
”Right now? Yeah. I think I am.”  
“Are you going to stay with me?”  
“Yes.”  
“Are you going to take better care of yourself?”  
“Do I have a choice?”  
”No.”  
”Justin, I’m so sorry I let you fall so far, I should have caught you sooner.”  
“It’s my fault Brian I…”  
“Let’s not do the blame thing, just understand that I won’t let you fall again, I promise, but I can only keep that promise if you stop lying to me.”  
“I never really lied.”  
“Yes, you did, and lies by omission count.”  
“I won’t lie to you again.”  
“And I will listen when you try to tell me what’s wrong. I know I’m not the easiest person to talk to, but I’ll try.”  
Justin bit his lower lip.   
“What?”  
”I just don’t want to bother you with my problems.”  
”Justin, have you seen the kitchen? We’re out of dishes. You broke them all. Have you seen your hands, your knees, your feet? It bothers me more when you don’t tell me your problems.”  
Brian leaned up and kissed Justin, moving his body until he was straddling Justin's lap, kissing him passionately, his hands in Justin's hair, feeling the blondes mouth respond to his, feeling his body respond to his.   
Brian pulled back. “No more lying?”  
”No more lying.”  
“Promise me.”  
“I promise, no more lying.”  
“Okay then, want to go back to bed?”  
Justin nodded. “But Brian, I’m not really tired.”  
Brian laughed as he helped Justin up the stairs. “I didn’t say you had to start sleeping right now.”

And in fact it was quite a while before either of them drifted off into a sated sleep, and for the first time in a long time, not only did Justin feel truly safe again in Brian's arms, Brian truly felt as if he was able to keep Justin safe in his embrace.


	21. All Mistakes are Temporary

Justin moved slowly, as he headed towards the bathroom. His body felt as if he’d just run a marathon, or been in a fight, and he grimaced as he realized that maybe he’d just done both. His feet still hurt especially against the cold tile floor and he realized that a bath was probably a safer option than a shower. 

Brian appeared in the doorway just as the water filled the tub. He dropped his jeans and lowered himself in, pulling Justin in with him. They both laughed.

Justin leaned against Brian's chest and felt the older man’s arousal as he pulled his body to him. Brian picked up the bar of soap. “Shhhh” he whispered in Justin's ear, although he hadn’t made a sound. “Let me take care of you.” And he began moving the soap across Justin's chest, making lazy circles of suds. His hand moved lower and Justin let out a little moan.

Justin turned his body, wrapping his legs around Brian's waist and grinding their matching hard-ons against each other. Brian gently pushed Justin back until he was nestled into the nook in the tub, designed for just such a position. 

Justin’s hand dropped into the water and he winced, as the wound got wet. Brian lifted his arms, and put them on either side of the tub. “I’ll handle this.” And he hit the button that started the jets. Justin moaned again as the pressure of the water hit his back, and ran across his belly teasingly. He writhed a little under Brian's gentle ministrations. He was desperate for release but Brian put it off for a while as he continued to move the soap, hitting every spot on Justin's body, gently washing his knees, which were bruised and scabbed. Paying specific and careful attention to those areas that showed the damage from the previous day.

Eventually Brian lifted himself out of the tub and picked up Justin, who was now limp. “Putty in my hands.” Brian whispered into his ear, and carried him back to the bed, where he laid him down almost reverently, and watched as the sheets beneath him became a little darker with the dampness from his body. He then crawled across Justin carefully. 

Brian surveyed the almost entirely limp boy, and was gratified that there was one part of him that couldn’t be described as anything other that rock hard. He kissed Justin gently but passionately and then his mouth began to move lower, nuzzling at his neck, finding the spot on his right ear that with a simple tongue swirl could make Justin whimper. “Brian.” It came from the back of Justin's throat and Brian smiled and moved lower, focusing on Justin's nipples. “Mmmmmm, you know, I kind of miss you’re nipple ring.”  
“I’ll get it pierced again if you want.” Justin said, his voice shaking with desire.  
“I think you’ve done enough damage to your body at the moment.” Brian said, licking again at the ever-hardening nub. He moved his mouth to the other nipple, swirling and sucking but never biting. Justin's back arched, as his chest rose to meet Brian's mouth.

Brian moved slowly, savoring the clean and yet increasingly musky taste of Justin's skin. Kissing down his chest until he reached his navel. Brian slowly circled it with his tongue, sucking at it, and then plunging his tongue in the way he’d eventually plunge himself into Justin. Justin’s response was immediate and wanton, his head thrown back; he gripped the sheets beneath him, and cried out.  
Brian moved lower, licking just the tip of Justin's cock, watching a small bead of precum emerge, and then licking it again. He took the whole of it in his mouth, down to the base, and then slid his lips back up, releasing it.

“Brian!” this time it was pleading, almost a wail.  
Brian moved back up to Justin's mouth, kissing him, and then whispering, his hot breath against Justin's ear. “Shhhh, now I have to start all over.”  
Justin's eyes flew open, and he remembered their first morning back together. He moaned.  
Brian smiled, and began again at Justin's neck, moving slowly back to his nipples and Justin's body seemed to melt into the mattress, his hands raised above his head gripping the pillow with a death grip, trying not to spontaneously come as he watched Brian's head move slowly down his body.

Brian had no plans to do anything quickly. His movements were languid. It took all of his control not to simply plow into this beautiful blonde, whose very taste was more addictive than anything his disco-pharmacologist could provide, but he also knew that Justin was sore, that it would be a while before Justin was back on his feet, literally, and almost as long before he was back on his knees. This left Brian in control, a place that he was perfectly happy to be. He continued his torturously slow ministrations as Justin's body wriggled beneath his mouth and ever wandering hands. 

He positioned himself between Justin's legs, licking at Justin's thighs, his hands stroking the back of Justin's legs and rubbing his ass until he pulled his perfect thighs over his shoulders and he ran his tongue along Justin's crack. Justin pushed his body forward, and made a soft keening noise. Brian used his hands to open Justin just a little bit, letting his tongue flit over his puckered hole. Justin tried to buck, to impale himself of Brian's tongue, but Brian's soft hands were denying him such freedom of movement. 

Brian's tongue continued to tease Justin, licking and flickering against him until finally he plunged his tongue into the puckered ring. Justin's moan was deep, primal and involuntary. His body bucked with pleasure and Brian continued to fuck Justin with his tongue, while Justin tried to formulate thoughts, and then gave up and simply grunted with unrestrained pleasure. Brian's hand snaked around Justin's thigh and he simply covered Justin's hard member with it, not moving it, just letting Justin feel the heat. Justin tried to move against it, to generate the friction he so desperately wanted, but Brian lifted his hand just a little. Justin understood all too well the rules of this game and stopped moving; when he was still again Brian put his hand back down. Justin fought the urge to grind against it, knowing it would be counterproductive to his goals at this point.

Brian's tongue continued it’s little dance for a while until he couldn’t torture the boy any further.

He moved slowly, taking Justin back into his mouth, sliding his lips all the way down the shaft and back up again, and then raised his body over Justin, offering Justin's mouth a finger. Justin took it and sucked it as if it were Brian's cock, and then Brian offered him a second, and Justin understood, he sucked on them until Brian slowly put a third finger into Justin's mouth and Justin tried to hold back as he considered what was to come.

Brian’s wet fingers moved down his side, and Justin lifted his hips and Brian moved them along his ass, and slowly he pushed one inside. Brian's mouth was back on the head of Justin's dick, sucking hard, but only at the head, his tongue running along the ridge, making painfully beautiful swirls on the sensitive flesh. Brian’s fingers were deep inside Justin now, and Justin's hips were riding them, as Brian's mouth opened and he let Justin thrust against the back of his throat, all the while fucking himself on Brian's fingers. Justin’s rhythm increased as his passion did until he couldn’t hold back any longer. When Brian felt the change in rhythm his free hand began to gently fondle Justin's balls, caressing them with deft fingers until Justin shot into his mouth, and he swallowed, continuing the movements of both hands, letting Justin come hard and long.

When he felt Justin's body relax, the entire body now looking like it was melting, he pulled off of him. Justin wanted to turn, to curl up against Brian but he wasn’t sure he could move, his legs were still shaking, his body so relaxed he felt boneless.

He turned his head and looked at Brian, who had a very satisfied grin on his face. Justin smiled back and Brian leaned in to kiss him.

As Brian moved to get closer to Justin, the blonde realized that Brian was still hard. He moved his body to get in better position to reciprocate the sensations Brian had just provided him, but Brian shook his head, moving his hand slowly down his own chest, Justin just watched with passion darkened eyes as Brian brought himself to orgasm, shooting against his own chest. “This one was all for you Justin.” He whispered and Justin knew that here, in this moment, he’d found perfection.

Lindsay was walking outside with Gus, listening to him ramble on about the exciting new adventures of Sam and Shelby when her phone rang. It was Melanie.   
“Don’t hang up.”  
Lindsay sighed, “What do you want?”  
”I want to talk. Just to talk.”  
“About what?”  
”About us.”  
“There is no us anymore Mel, there can’t be.”  
Melanie’s heart constricted at the resigned tone in Lindsay's voice as much as at the words, “There will always be an us because we have a family.”  
“Mel, I…”  
“Lindsay I’m sorry, and I know that nothing I say will make what happened okay, but this can’t go on, we need to be able to talk, I miss you and I miss the kids.”  
“You get them every other weekend.”  
“That’s hardly the same.”  
“Mel, what do you want me to say?”  
”Nothing, I don’t want you to say anything, I just wanted to know if maybe we could…”  
“Could what Mel?”  
“Could be friends.”  
Lindsay considered the words carefully. “I miss you Mel.”  
”Can we meet, somewhere public, just you and me?”  
“Not today, maybe later in the week.”  
“Whenever you say, I just want to see you.”  
Lindsay nodded, and then realized how silly it was to nod at a phone. “Do you want to talk to Gus?”  
”Of course.”  
“It’s momma.” Lindsay said as she handed the phone to Gus, who started the entire story about Shelby, the lizard, Sam and the ocean all over again.  
They continued to walk across the grass, JR on Lindsay's hip, Gus chattering away to his momma and Lindsay deep in thought.

Michael and Ben had to admit that they were impressed with what Ted and Blake had done with the place in such a short time. The floor plan was exactly the same as Deb’s but somehow they made it feel spacious and modern. The walls were all neutral shades of sand and beige, the kitchen had been completely redone in updated stainless steel appliances and Light marble countertops. They’d replaced all of the carpeting throughout the downstairs with a light hardwood that made the rooms flow together.

The furniture was contemporary but not obnoxiously so, (at least that’s how Ted put it).

The second bedroom had been converted into a study with cherry barrister bookcases and a large desk with state of the art computer equipment. Blake, it turns out was a bit of computer geek. There were actually two machines and two work areas because the least compatible thing about Blake and Ted were their computer preferences. Ted had always been a Mac user and Blake swore by his PC, and thus rather than try to compromise, after several heated debates, each had agreed to simply accept that the other was a freak, and created the two computer spaces.

The true owner of the house was Blue. The dog was protective of her house and owners and spoiled rotten. Michael and Ben found it cute, and obnoxious at the same time.

“So Justin just started breaking all the dishes for no reason?” Ted asked, “Wow, that must have pissed Brian off.”  
“He didn’t look pissed.” Ben said, “He looked fucking terrified.”  
“Brian, terrified? I don’t believe it.”   
“Trust me Ted.” Michael interjected, “I’ve seen Brian angry, this wasn’t anger.”  
“Well, Christ, is Justin okay?”  
Ben shrugged. “I guess we would have heard if he wasn’t”  
“Unless Brian is just pacing back and forth in a hospital refusing to call anyone”  
“Michael, stop that, Brian would call if something were really wrong.”  
”Would he?”  
Ben and Ted both seemed to consider the question for a moment.  
“He wasn’t scheduled to be in the office today, cause they would have just been coming back from New York last night, but he’s got a meeting with the Rapkins people tomorrow, I guess I can ask him if he’s okay then.”  
“Ask him if he’s okay?” Blake said, “Would he give you an honest answer.”  
They all looked at each other and in unison said “no.”  
And then they laughed.   
“Brian's been through worse than this with Justin, he’ll be okay.”  
”Ben, you didn’t see him when Justin was hurt, and that was before he admitted he even liked the kid, he was a wreck. What’s he gonna do if Justin really isn’t okay, send the kid packing and then go back to slowly killing himself?”  
“Michael, I don’t think he’d do that.”  
“Ben, I know Brian, he’d do that.”  
“I really don’t think so Michael, I mean Brian and Justin seem to be in a different place now.”  
“Yeah, I noticed.”  
“Michael, is there anything Brian and Justin could do that would make you happy?”  
”Well, Justin left for New York, that was a good start.”  
All three of them just stared at Michael. “Do you remember how Brian was while Justin was away?”  
Michael pouted, “I just don’t see what he sees in the little twink.”  
Ben laughed. “I think he’s gone beyond twink status at this point honey, they’ve been together for almost six years now, and Justin is an accomplished artist in his own right, did you see the article on him in the paper? He’s not in need of Brian's money, that’s for sure.”  
Michael just grumbled. And Ben leaned in and pulled Michael forward for a kiss, “Why don’ t you let Brian and Justin worry about Brian and Justin and you and I can find something else to worry about, I’ll even let it be your choice.”  
Michael gave a half smile, “I can pick anything I want to worry about?”  
”Sure.”  
“Well okay then.” And the subject moved off of Brian and Justin and on to far more interesting topics, like Ted and Blake’s consideration of showing Bluebonnet in the local dog show.

Justin woke up in a panic, but as he swung his legs to get out of bed he realized that there was nowhere to go. It still hurt to walk, some of the cuts on his feet had been pretty deep, and he was still pretty tired.

Brian walked into the room with a tray. “You’re up.”  
Justin took a deep breath. “Woke up scared.”  
“Are you okay now?”  
“Yeah, I think, just thought I’d try this new honesty thing.”  
“I like it.”  
Justin shrugged. “Besides, I’m stuck in bed cause of my stupid feet.”  
“It’s not your feet that are stupid.”  
Brian had been up for about an hour, and had used his time productively. He’d picked up the prescriptions at the nearest pharmacy, and then swept up the mess in the kitchen. He’d even managed to get rid of most of the blood in the foyer before making a couple of sandwiches.

“Here” he said, motioning with the tray “I brought you breakfast in bed.”  
“It’s 7:30 at night”  
“So it’s a late breakfast.”  
Brian put the tray down on the bed and sat on the other side of it.  
Justin looked at the sandwiches dubiously “what are the odds I’m gonna be able to get out of eating this?”  
”If you want something else I can order pizza or Chinese.”  
“That’s not what I meant.”  
“The last thing I remember you eating was pizza, the night before last. So the odds of you not eating anything are nil.”  
”I’m really not hungry.”  
“I understand that, but new rules say it doesn’t matter, you have to eat.”  
Justin picked up the top piece of bread from the sandwich and inspected the contents.   
“It’s turkey, just eat it.”  
Justin ate the bread in his hand, and Brian decided that for now, that would do.  
“I picked up those prescriptions the that Dr. McKenzie ordered.” Brian moved to the foot of the bed. “You’re supposed to put this on your feet knees and hand.”  
Brian began applying the antibacterial stuff to Justin's feet, which made him giggle. “Brian! That tickles.”   
“Sorry sunshine, doctor’s orders.”  
He tried to be careful but Justin’s feet were extraordinarily ticklish and the blonde was giggling by the time he was applying the stuff to his knees.  
“Christ, you really did a number on yourself.”  
“Well, I guess I don’t do things half way.”  
“Nope, that was a full-blown meltdown.”   
“It was stupid.”  
“Stupid happens.” Brian shrugged.   
Justin was eating the sandwich in component pieces. He would nibble on a slice of tomato, and then move on to a slice of turkey. Brian didn’t care how he ate it, so long as he ate.   
Once his knees were done Brian sat up on the bed and took a bite of the sandwich he’d made for himself. “Hey.”  
Justin looked up questioningly.  
“You gonna be able to keep this down?”  
”I’ll try.”  
“Do you realize that you’ve lost over 20 lbs in a little more than 3 months.”  
“Some people would kill to be able to do that.”  
”And some people can die from doing that.”  
“Brian I’m not gonna die.”  
“Not if I have anything to say about it, but I gotta ask you a question.”  
Justin just looked at him.  
“Was this ever on purpose, were you making yourself sick?”  
”What?”  
”The whole eating thing, was it a control thing or…”  
“I am not anorexic if that’s what you’re asking.”   
Brian just shrugged, he believed Justin, but so much of the research he’d done had pointed to the possibility he felt like he had to ask. “Are you lying to me?”  
”Didn’t I promise not to lie anymore?”  
”Yeah, but it’s such a longstanding habit with us.”  
“You know, I’m beginning to not like this whole ‘new honesty’ thing.”  
“You’d better get used to it, because I’m not letting anything like this happen again.”  
“You do know that you’re probably blowing this whole thing out of proportion, I mean you could be accused of queening out over it.”   
“Yeah well you weren’t there.”  
Justin took a deep breath, “I guess maybe I wasn’t.”  
Justin finished half of the sandwich and pushed the rest away, “Brian I really can’t…”  
“Okay, half is fine for now, you’ll be back up to your insatiable appetite eventually”  
Justin laughed, there are still some things I have an insatiable appetite for, and he leaned over Brian, as if to kiss him, but at the last minute grabbed his bottle of beer from the nightstand and downed most of the bottle in a single pull.  
Brian laughed.  
“C’mon, I’ll take you downstairs and we can watch a movie or something.”  
“You can’t carry me around, it’s pathetic.”  
“Well, you’re not walking on my hardwood floors with that goop all over your feet.”  
“So get me a pair of socks.”  
Brian handed him a pair of socks and a drawstring sweatpants to Justin. Justin pulled them on slowly, obviously still a little sore. Brian scooped him up and carried him to the den, while he protested, but not very adamantly.  
They spent the rest of the eveneing arguing over weather Luke and Leia ever had sex with each other, Brian believed that they did before they knew they were brother and sister, but Justin found it too squicky to contemplate and thus disagreed. 

It was well after midnight before Brian handed Justin an Ambien.

Justin wrinkled his nose at it. “I don’t want it.”  
“I wasn’t asking if you did.”  
“I’ll sleep fine.”  
“I’m taking the word fine out of your vocabulary, you’re no longer allowed to use it.”  
“You can’t just ban random words from my vocabulary.”  
“Sure I can, here’s a few, Fine, Sorry and Perfect.” All three, gone.”  
“Well, your Perfect cock is going to be sorry that it will never be granted entrance into my fine ass again if you’re going to be that way.”  
Brian laughed, “You really want to play that game?”  
”No. But I don’t want you to get to power hungry with this whole rules thing either.”  
“Okay, very few more rules, but taking your prescribed medication is one of them.”  
Brian put the pill on his tongue and wiggled it leaning in for a kiss.   
Justin looked at him “that’s gross.”  
Brian kissed him, passing the pill into Justin's mouth. “Gross?”  
“It’s more fun with E”  
“Well, we’ll try that on a day when standing isn’t more than you can handle.”  
“Brian.”  
“Mmmmmm?”  
“If I sleep tonight to I have to take one tomorrow too?”  
”We’ll see.”  
“Is that just what you’re saying so you don’t have to argue with me anymore?”  
”We’ll see.”  
”You’re enjoying this power thing way too much.”  
“We’ll see” Brian raised his eyebrows suggestively. He stood up, and carried his sunshine to bed. 

Brian went back downstairs to give himself a much-needed respite. He’d been on an emotional roller coaster for the last couple of days, and while he could keep a strong outward appearance most of the time, eventually he just needed some “Brian time”. He wasn’t at all sure he was up to the task he’d committed himself to, but he knew he wasn’t up to the task of losing Justin and so of the two, he picked the one that seemed easier. Didn’t make it actually easy though.

He lit a joint and sat in the dark, contemplating what to do next. It was a couple hours later that he finally slid into bed, Justin was sleeping hard, but not so hard that he didn’t curl up around Brian as soon as he was under the covers.

The next morning Brian had come to no conclusions except that he needed to take some time off. He called Cynthia. “Have the Rapkins people talk to Ted, and Bruce, he’s doing the buying for the TV spots anyway, and clear my calendar, I won’t be back 'til the 20th.” “Brian that’s 10 days.”  
“Wow, thanks, I was really having trouble with the math”  
“Are you okay?”  
”I’m fine.”  
“Is Justin okay?”  
“Justin will be okay, I just need some fucking time off, can you do that?”  
”Fine.”  
Cynthia hung up the phone and he thanked god that she was able to shrug off his moods after all these years, or he’d have spent a fucking fortune in flowers. 

Justin had caught the last half of the call. “You’re taking ten days off, can you do that?”  
”No, my boss will probably fire me.”  
Justin hit Brian with a pillow.   
He swatted it away. “It’s either that or I have to hire some big beefy nurse to carry you around the house…your choice.”  
“Would he be hot?”  
”No SHE wouldn’t”  
”So, you or nurse Ratchet, hmmmm.”  
Brian hit him with a pillow again, “Shut up and tell me what you want for breakfast.”  
“I…”  
Brian gave him a sharp look.  
Justin sighed, “Cereal’s fine.”  
Brian nodded and brought him a bowl of froot loops. Mocking him the entire time he ate them for both the name and the ridiculous colors that it turned the milk. “Only a fucking faggot would want pink milk for breakfast.”  
“I didn’t want pink milk, I wasn’t hungry”  
“For a guy who’s not hungry you sure are scarfing it down.”  
“Well I wasn’t hungry, then the fruity goodness got to me.”  
“You realize there’s no actual fruit or anything resembling fruit anywhere near that cereal right?”  
”Mmmmmm hmmm, your point?”  
Brian just rolled his eyes. “So, what do you want to do today?’  
“Promise you won’t get mad?”  
“No.”  
“Then I’m not telling you.”  
“Fine” Brian rolled his eyes, “I won’t get mad.”  
“I want to go through the stuff in the boxes. And why do you get to use the word fine if I don’t?”  
“Because I haven’t abused the privilege. And no, we’re not going through those boxes today. We will, but not today. What’s your issue with those fucking boxes?”  
”What’s yours? I’d think you’d want to get your stuff put away.”  
“It is, it’s put away neatly in all those boxes.”  
This time it was Justin who rolled his eyes. “Can you at least promise we’ll do it before you go back to the office?’  
“No.”  
“We will.”  
Brian just ignored him. 

They invited Lindsay over for the day, explaining that with Justin laid up he could probably use the company.   
Lindsay arrived a little after ten with JR. Gus wouldn’t be home from school until one, and then she promised to make them lunch, which was a great relief to Brian who had used up his entire cooking repertoire with the sandwiches and cereal.

Lindsay met Gus at the bus stop and brought him back to visit with his dad and Justin .

Gus made them watch the Empire Strikes Back again, and Lindsay agreed with Brian about Luke and Leia, which made Justin realize why it was the two had become such good friends in the first place. Once Gus fell asleep for his afternoon nap, which, he swore he was too old for until the moment his head hit the pillow, and JR was put down for a nap as well. Brian and Lindsay regaled Justin with stories of the insane people they’d roomed with in college. 

Justin loved to hear about Brian when he was younger; it made him feel somehow closer to him to think that he had once been a stupid kid, almost as stupid as Justin had been when he first met Brian.

Eventually Lindsay took the kids home for dinner and baths and Brian and Justin entered into a marathon game of monopoly that ended with Justin owning everything and Brian naked.


	22. All Mistakes are Temporary

After five days together Brian and Justin were both sick. They were sick of strip monopoly, sick of strip trivial pursuit, (although Brian was surprised at how much useless knowledge the punk kid had in his head), and almost sick of each other.

The men were debating between Chinese and Pizza, and they were definitely sick of both of those options, but Justin still wasn’t okay standing for more than a few minutes at a time, which made cooking impossible. Lindsay was usually there to help with lunch, but they’d eaten just about everything edible in the house, and were out of ideas for dinner. Justin tried to say something about skipping dinner entirely but Brian's face made him stop mid sentence. He wasn’t in the mood to argue, he’d eat something, even if he couldn’t hold it down. It was still an effort.

They were arguing over nothing in particular when the doorbell rang.

“Mikey, so nice of you to stop by, uninvited.”  
“Well, we figured you would be sick of all your take out options so we brought you Burgers, and Fried chicken.” Michael raised the greasy bags and the chicken bucket enthusiastically.  
“And Thai” Ben said, leaning in with a bag.  
“Mikey, how nice of you to stop by uninvited.” this time there was no sarcasm in Brian's voice, and he moved to allow the couple entrance.

They followed him to the den.

“Well, if you brought the Thai food then let me provide…”  
Brian went into a drawer in his desk and removed the silver canister with a flourish   
“The Thai stick.”  
They laughed, and spread the food out on the coffee table while Brian expertly rolled a couple of joints.   
He took a toke and passed it to Michael who inhaled deeply and tried to stop coughing. “Shit, this is strong.”  
Brian said nothing but honestly wished that Mikey would remember that he only bought the good shit. Michael always ended up wasting the first toke. Michael passed it to Ben and Brian raised an eyebrow as he watched the professor take a healthy amount into his lungs. “Why professor, I didn’t know you indulged.”  
“I’m not this paragon of virtue you all seem to think.” Ben said smiling, as he passed the joint to Justin, who inhaled deeply and then passed it back to Brian.

Brian took a hit, and then another before passing it along, the second hit he shared with Justin, who shared it right back, until there was very little smoke to exhale.  
Brian loved getting stoned that way, more than just the almost kiss was the fact that the amount of oxygen one took in from someone else’s exhale just made the buzz hit faster and stronger.

“You know.” Ben started, “there are entire religions based around the use of marijuana to achieve a feeling of closeness and openness to the world around them.”  
Brian snorted, “Yeah, that’s why I get stoned, to be one with the world.”  
“You get stoned because then you don’t feel guilty about eating fried chicken.” Michael said.  
”That too.”  
Soon they were all baked, and digging into the billions of calories spread across the table.  
Ben was sitting next to Justin now, and trying to explain to him the importance of being balanced and centered. Brian was lounging on the floor, Michael leaning against him. “You know you’re boyfriend’s full of shit.”  
“He’s my husband.”  
”You know your husband’s full of shit.”  
“Yeah, I do.” Michael laughed,   
“You know your twink is a drama princess.”  
“He’s my…Justin.”  
“You know your Justin’s a drama princess.”  
“Yeah I do, I think he may have even graduated to drama queen last week.”  
Justin, hearing his name turned, and when he heard the last part of the sentence he stuck his tongue out at Brian, which struck the man as so funny he had a difficult time not laughing.  
Justin decided that if anyone could settle the argument about Luke and Leia, it would be Michael, so he brought up the subject. Which led to a long monologue by Michael about the force and how Luke would have instinctually known it wasn’t right between himself and Leia, and then he was putting in the DVD to illustrate his point with specific scenes. Which only made Brian glare at Justin, until they both started laughing.

Ben was still trying to prattle on about some deep spiritual bullshit but he got sidetracked by the idea of oneness with everything and started to go off on a tangent about oneness with people being different than oneness with inanimate objects or animals. Ben wasn’t making any sense, but Justin found it oddly calming to just listen to his voice, maybe it was because he’s heard no one’s voice but Brian's in so long.

“I’ve got it!”  
Brian yelled and Justin startled.  
“Do you have syphilis again?’ Justin asked, because if you do…” he waggled a finger at Brian.  
Brian dismissed Justin's finger waggling with a glance. ”I know what we should do with the dungeon.”  
“You have a dungeon?” Ben asked.  
“We have a parlor, but he likes to call it the dungeon, I think we should make it a library.”  
Brian threw down a piece of chicken, “if I keep eating like this I’m gonna get all old and fat, we need to build a gym.”  
“Yeah, but we should put it in the unfinished room in the attic, or finish out that part of the basement, we can’t turn the parlor into a gym.”  
”Why not?”  
Justin shrugged, “it’d be tacky.”  
“You think I’m tacky?” Brian tried to look hurt, he was honestly too stoned to be anything other than amused.  
“No I think….” Justin was seriously stoned, “fuck, I don’t remember what I think, but if it’ll get you to go through those boxes, I’ll say okay to a gym.”  
“We’ll just put the boxes in the attic.”  
“What boxes?” Michael asked.  
“Brian’s loft is in the parlor.”  
”I thought Brian's loft was here in the den.” Ben said.  
“No, this is _loftesque_. The actual stuff from his loft is in the parlor, and he won’t go through the boxes.”  
“There’s probably some really cool shit in there.” Michael said.  
“Nothing I need.” Brian shrugged.  
Michael rolled over so he was lying almost on top of Brian. “Brian, that’s your stuff, from your home, you’re just willing to give up all of that?”  
“Mikey, its just stuff, that I don’t think about until blonde boy over here starts nagging.”  
“I don’t nag, that’s your department.” Brian stuck his tongue firmly in his cheek and smiled. “You nag, you just don’t do it as well as I do.”  
”Pfft, you just think that you nag better because you think you do everything better.”  
“Not everything, you’re a much better…bottom.”  
Michael, in his hazy state of mind caught a nuance of this “better? As in you’ve compared?”  
”What?” Brian looked at Mikey. “Well if he’s better then you must know how you’d do so when do you ever bottom huh?”  
Justin smiled, wanting to se how Brian got himself out of this one, and Brian suddenly wondered when Michael had become insightful… he’d have to keep the good shit away from Mikey if he was going to actually start getting a clue when he was stoned.  
“In college” Brian said, rolling his eyes.  
Justin bit his lip, he would love to argue the point but if he ever ever ever wanted to fuck Brian again, he knew he could say nothing.  
“Oh” Michael said, letting the subject drop. Brian heard a sort of low murmuring sound, and realized Ben was still talking, at length, to no one in particular. “Christ, no wonder he’s tenured, anyone who can go on for that long about nothing must be a brilliant professor.”  
Now it was Michael’s turn to laugh uncontrollably. When he finally pulled himself together he said “well, he has equally good stamina in bed, so I just ignore him when he starts rambling.”  
Brian nodded knowingly. “I agree, when they start rambling in bed, it’s best just to ignore them or shut them up.”  
“Hey!” Justin said, “I don’t ramble.”  
“No, you babble.”  
“I don’t babble either.”  
“So then, Daph and I were going to the mall but she forgot all her money and my wallet was in the car but when we were checking out the stuff at banana republic we came across this killer sweater and I wanted it but she said it was better for her and then….” Brian rambled in a poor imitation of Justin, using a falsetto voice and a speaking manner more like Gus’s than Justin's.   
Justin threw a pillow at his head. “Like you never say odd things in bed.”  
Brian gave him a warning look.  
“What does he say?” Ben asked, pulled out of his little diatribe on the condition of the hybrid potato crops.   
Brian looked at Justin, waiting to see what he would reveal, as he casually took another hit, without removing his hazel eyes from the blue ones across the room.  
Justin shrugged. “Nothing, he just mumbles grocery lists and random advertising mottos in his sleep.” Brian smiled; sometimes having a …Justin who could lie well was handy.  
Michael shrugged, taking another hit before passing the weed back to Ben. “That’s nothing, I’ve heard him rattle off the entire starting lineup for the Steelers.”  
“When did I do that?”  
”One of those nights after seeing your dad.”  
Brian shrugged again. My dad would never shut up about the Steelers, it’s like he never got over that time during the war when there weren’t enough men so the Steelers and the Eagles had to merge. He talked about it like it was the fucking end of the world.”  
Brian sat up, reaching for something…he finally found it and took a long pull off a bottle of beam.  
Justin was going to say something about not drinking right out of the bottle but decided against it and went back to slouching, eyes half closed, and letting Michael and Brian reminisce. 

They did it oddly, Michael bringing up stories, Brian correcting his version of them, and then the two of them agreeing, seemingly only upon who they hated in school, (everybody), who they had thought was hot, (Patrick Hannigan and Tony Rinaldi), and which teachers were gay (the gym coach and their 11th grade science teacher). 

Justin was trying to pay attention but he couldn’t. “I need chocolate.” He said, getting up to go and find his stash in the studio. Brian would never admit it, but he couldn’t resist chocolate, and so every time Justin bought any it was gone, that’s when he’d started locking it in the studio fridge.

The minute he stood up he realized it had been a mistake. A pain shot through his foot. He sat back down.  
Brian looked at him suddenly concerned “Are we out of chocolate?”   
Justin laughed, “No, it’s in the studio fridge.”  
“Give me the key.”  
Justin shrugged “I think I left it upstairs.”  
Brian sighed “fine.” He got up and walked over to a videocassette box that was in the drawer under the TV. The case was for the movie “chocolat.”   
“Um Brian, I wanted actual chocolate, not a movie about a guy who eats chocolate, even if it is Johnny Depp.”  
Brian just looked at him and opened the case to reveal ghiardhelli dark and milk chocolate squares.”  
”You hide chocolate from me?”  
“You lock YOURS in the studio.”  
“That’s because you eat all of it if I don’t.”  
“You’re the one that eats all the chocolate, that’s why I hide mine from you.”  
“I can’t believe you’re keeping chocolate secrets, that’s just so wrong.”  
“And I can’t believe you won’t share your hazelnut milk chocolate bars with me, and keep them locked away, that’s wronger.”  
“Wronger isn’t a word.”  
They two continued to bicker until Ben broke in.  
“Hey, hey hey! You two are missing the most important point.”  
Both Brian and Justin looked towards Ben.  
”There is chocolate.”  
They both laughed, and Brian poured the silver and gold wrapped squares over the coffee table. They all leaned in to take one, and Brian padded up to the kitchen, retrieve glasses and the gray goose from the freezer. Some people insisted that chocolate went with milk; Brian knew better, chocolate required ice-cold vodka to be savored properly.

When they awoke the next morning they were both a little hung over.   
“Last night was nice, it’s good to see you and Michael getting along again.” Justin said  
“I think he may have actually grown up.”  
“Right because that was the problem HE was too immature.”  
“Are you calling me immature?”  
“Take it as a compliment.”  
”Whatever, I’m just glad Michael is off your case.”  
“Uggggh, I so don’t feel like getting out of bed.”  
“We don’t have to.”  
Justin moved himself against Brian, savoring the feel of their skin against each other. “Mmmmmm, you’re right we don’t. I don’t actually even remember coming to bed last night.”  
“That’s because you took your Ambien with a double vodka, and I had to carry you.”  
“Sorry.”  
“You’re not allowed to use that word.”  
“I apologize” he made each syllable distinct.”  
Brian kissed the top of Justin's head, because it was the part of him closest to his mouth at the moment. “I think the gym idea was actually a good one though”  
“I still think it should be in the attic room.”  
”Fine, but I want to get started, I can’t just skip the gym for weeks every time you have a breakdown.”  
Justin leaned up on one arm and looked at Brian. “Do you really think I’m gonna have another breakdown?”  
Brian shrugged, I’m just saying IF you did, I’d hate to get fat because of it, or lose my muscle tone.”  
Justin settled back onto Brian's chest. “So who does one call when one wants a state of the art work out facility installed into their home?”  
“One does NOT call Gregory, I don’t need all my equipment to be color coordinated and named after fruits and vegetables.”  
“I’ll do some research today after I’m done in the studio.”  
“The studio?”  
”Yeah, it’s been a while, and I really should start back to work, you know, there is the possibility that my things will sell enough to warrant a second show sometime in my life.”  
“But you’re not gonna do that thing again right?”  
”What thing?”  
Brian rolled his eyes, “That thing where you almost kill yourself.”  
“Oh, that thing…no, I tried that, it pissed a lot of people off.”  
“Okay you go work in the studio, I’ll research what we need for a good home gym.”

They both continued to lay in bed, neither moving.  
“You know, I think we actually have to get out of bed to do those things.”  
Brian rolled over on top of Justin, “then fuck the research and the studio.”  
Justin leaned up to kiss Brian, and was still amazed that even his hangover morning breath tasted sexy.

Hours later Justin went to the studio, his feet feeling a little better. He sat down and contemplated his next piece.

Brian tried to pretend that he was okay with Justin being in the studio again, he knew he should be, but he was still worried. He idly scrolled through the Williams Sonoma site until he found the pattern they had and ordered more dishes; he’d been meaning to do that for almost a week.

He really did think putting a gym in the house was a good idea, but he just couldn’t summon the energy to even start researching the project. He was deciding what the first step should even be when the phone rang.

“Were you even going to tell me something was wrong?”  
”Mother Taylor?”  
”Don’t play cute with me Brian, let me talk to Justin.”  
“He’s in the studio.”  
“Just go get him.”

Brian knocked on the door, but Justin probably couldn’t hear it, the music was blaring. He tried the knob. It was unlocked. Surprised, he walked in and handed Justin the phone, It’s your mother, she’s pissed. 

“Hi mom.”  
”Don’t hi mom me, when were you going to tell me?”  
”Tell you what?”  
“I was talking to Daphne and apparently you’ve been sick and didn’t bother to even let me know.”  
”I haven’t been sick, I had…” Justin wasn’t sure what he’d had.  
“I was exhausted, and I guess the pressure of the show got to me.”  
“Exhaustion does not cause you to require stitches in your hand, or for Brian to take ten days off to take care of you.”  
“He took off because he wanted a vacation.”  
“Justin don’t bullshit me, I’m your mother.”  
”Really? I’d forgotten.” Justin was trying for glib, Jennifer was in no mood.  
“I’m coming over to see you today.”  
“Today’s not good, I’m working.”  
“I thought you were taking time off.”  
“I took time off, now I’m back working.”  
Jennifer sighed, “Justin sweetie, I worry about you.”  
“I’m fine, I promise.”  
”Why don’t we meet for lunch tomorrow.”  
Justin's heart felt tight, his breathing shallowed. “Not tomorrow, we’ve got plans.”  
“Well, then Sunday lets have brunch.”  
“Okay why don’t you bring what’s his name here, we’ll have brunch, you’ll see I’m fine.”  
Jennifer was silent for a moment.  
“Mom?”  
”What’s his name and I aren’t together anymore.”  
“Good”  
“Justin.”  
”Right, I’m supposed to be upset by this. Lets pretend I am.”  
“Justin!”  
“What do you want me to say?”  
”Say that 11 is good for brunch.”  
“11 is good for brunch.”  
“See you on Sunday.”  
Justin limping only slightly brought the phone back to Brian. “We’re having my mother for brunch the day after tomorrow.”  
“Sunday brunch with the in-laws, how…”  
“It’s just her, she broke up with that kid.”  
Brian chuckled, “I can not believe you have an age issue thing after your mother was most un-mom like about you and your gross old boyfriend.”  
“No one ever thought you were gross or old.”  
”Right they just thought I was ‘inappropriate”  
Justin shrugged “You were, but that’s why you’re so very irresistible”   
Brian rolled his eyes, you know cute and flattering isn’t going to make me feel better about brunch with the mother in law.”  
“What would make you feel better about it?” Justin asked absently as he looked over Brian's shoulder at the gym equipment on the screen. “I like that one.” Justin pointed.   
“Good to know, and what would make me feel better is not having to be here.”  
“You don’t, she’s mad at me for not calling after the um…thing”  
“Thing?”  
The thing where I broke all the plates and lost my mind”  
“Oh, that thing, yeah, you probably should have called her, you’re a terrible son.”  
Justin laughed, “Fuck you, she’s madder at you.”  
“Oh, then I’ll definitely stay for brunch, nothing beats eggs benedict and nagging, they’re a magnificent combination.”  
”Shut up I’m gonna make a quiche.”  
“Well yeah, quiche and nagging complement each other well, um, what were you planning on using for plates.”  
“That’s kinda why I’m out here, we need to go back to the store.”  
”I just ordered them online, they’ll be here next week.”  
“Brian we’ve been eating off of paper plates all week, or out of take out boxes, I can not serve my mother brunch on paper plates.”  
“Can you serve her out of a takeout box?”  
”You know where there are probably dishes?”  
Brian gave him a warning glance, knowing where he was headed with this. “Where?”  
Justin leaned in and nibbled on Brian's ear, whispering “In the parlor.”  
“Fuck you” Brian swatted him away. “Go back to the studio, I’ll go buy us a fucking box of dishes, but now we’re going to have service for 16, and that’s just overkill.”  
Brian grabbed his keys and his wallet and headed to the garage.

Justin went back to the studio, he was going to stretch a canvas for a large piece, he felt like it had been years rather than just days since he’d last been in the place, but that was also because sometime in the past week Brian had let the Magdalena in and everything was so neat, all the overflowing ashtrays and empty water bottles were gone.

The room was dusted, and everything was put where it belonged. Justin lit a cigarette, grabbed a bottle of water and locked the door. He lost himself in thought as he stretched the canvas. Brian obviously had some issue about the boxes, or what was in them, and Justin was too curious to let it drop, but he wasn’t sure how far he could push him right now. He’d put him through a lot since they’d been back together. On the other hand, he really thought a library would go well in that space. Much better than some dusty old boxes full of god knows what.

Justin pulled the quiche out of the oven; his feet practically healed now. He was cutting up some fruit, and pouring the juice from the carton into a pitcher when the doorbell rang.

Brian opened the door to an ambush.

Justin served the food and they were all sitting and eating in silence when Debbie started. “When the fuck were you going to tell us?”  
“Deb,” Jennifer put a hand on her arm,   
“No, fuck respecting their privacy, Brian, you should have told us.”  
Brian had been waiting for the outburst, the moment he saw Deb at door with Jennifer he knew that this may be more of a lynching than a brunch. He would have left if he didn’t think that they’d simply jump on Justin instead, and while he seemed to be recovering, Brian wasn’t sure how much double team mothering Justin was up for, so he threw himself on the grenade.  
“I had it under control.” He said keeping his expression blank.  
“Brian, no one doubts that you think you can control everything but I’m his mother, I had a right to know.”  
“What was I supposed to do Jen?”  
“Well, you could have tried a fucking phone call asshole” Deb broke in “I had to hear it second hand from Ben.”  
“So are you worried about Justin or just pissed off that you were out of the loop?”  
”Both!”  
“Honestly Brian” Jen cut in “you could have called. I would have been happy to help.”  
Brian rolled his eyes, “I was busy.”  
”Busy taking care of Justin. I’m his mother, I could have helped.”  
Justin sat in silence toying with the food on his plate. “I’m fine.”  
“Oh sweetheart we know you’re fine now, but we’re still worried. I was thinking maybe you should go see a counselor.”  
Brian’s watched Justin react, he withdrew into himself. Brian had brought up the idea of making an appointment with a counselor earlier in the week, and had been making some progress towards getting Justin to agree. All of his progress disappeared the second Jennifer mentioned it.  
“I’m not going to see a counselor, I’m doing just F…” he glanced over at Brian. “I’m doing very well thank you all for caring.” Justin's voice was cold and clipped.  
“Hell Sunshine, you’ll be great, your stronger than anyone gives you credit for.” Deb broke in.  
“I still think maybe you need to see a professional.” Jennifer said softly.  
“Mother Taylor” Brian said, trying to keep his voice neutral. “Why don’t you just drop the counselor thing, it’s Justin’s decision.”  
Jennifer sighed, but dropped the subject, recognizing that she’d hit a nerve.  
And with that both Debbie and Jen turned their attention back to Brian.  
Almost ten minutes later Justin couldn’t take it anymore, Brian’s patience was coming to an end, all the warning signs were there, his eyes dark, his jaw clenched and his expression blank, and getting more bland by the second. Everyone was so sure that he was crazy, that he was some little kid who couldn’t take care of himself. How did this become Brian’s fault, he was the one who fucked up. Justin pushed himself away from the table.

“I’m fine! Brian’s the reason I’m fine, maybe the only reason, and the two of you can’t leave him alone. Why don’t you leave us alone, just leave!”  
Justin was almost crying, when he stormed off.

The scene struck a painfully familiar chord with Brian who followed Justin upstairs.

He found him sitting on the edge of the bed, crying, his body shaking. Brian put the violent thoughts about what he’d like to do to Deb and Jennifer to the back of his head as he sat down next to Justin. “You here?”

Justin looked up, wiping his eyes with the edge of his sweater. “What? Oh, yeah, I’m here.”  
”Mothers, they just never give up.”  
Justin gave a half smile “Why do they always blame you?”  
“Cause it’s usually my fault?”  
”Oh yeah, I forgot abut that.”  
“Twat.” Brian pulled Justin against his side, “you want me to get rid of them?”  
“You know they’re not going to leave until they see I’m okay.”  
“I can get rid of them.”  
“Brian you can’t have my mother and Deb killed.”  
“Are you sure, I mean, I know people, who know people.”  
Justin laughed again, leaning up to kiss Brian, “I’m fairly certain I don’t want them whacked.”  
Brian leaned back against the bed, and Justin crawled on top of him, his need apparent in his every move and kiss.

Within moments, he pulled off his sweater, and then began to tug on Brian's. Brian raised his arms over his head to assist the blonde. Soon Justin was kissing down Brian's chest, nibbling and sucking on his abdomen, watching his muscles contract as he continued to kiss him.  
Brian moaned, and pulled Justin back up to his mouth, grinding himself against the smaller man, feeling him respond with enthusiasm.

Justin climbed over Brian grabbing a condom out of the drawer, he returned, straddling Brian, and undid the man’s fly. When Brian's cock was free of his pants, Justin opened the condom wrapper with his teeth, and slid it onto Brian's stiff member.

Then he raised himself up on his knees, not feeling any residual pain, focusing on nothing but his immediate need, and as soon as he had lowered his pants enough he impaled himself on Brian, leaning forward to kiss him, and then sitting back up and riding him with an urgency they both felt. Before long Justin had his fist around himself, Brian's fingers intertwined with his as he came. Brian felt Justin's body convulse, and watched as he threw his head back in release, the tears gone, his eyes wide and his lips parted and red.

Brian came just moments afterwards as he thrust again into Justin.

It took another minute for Justin's breathing to return to normal. He leaned in and kissed Brian again, murmuring, “thank you” into his ear.

When they came back down to the dining room they both looked a little rumpled, but far more relaxed. Brian smiled and took his seat; Justin cleared the plates and took requests for coffee or tea.

As he was making the coffee Brian kept ear to the kitchen, but allowed the two women to chastise him a little longer before he interrupted them. “Justin’s doing his best, he just needs time, sorry if you feel left out but he’s a grown man, if he wanted to tell his mommy, he would have.”  
Jennifer opened her mouth to reply but Brian interrupted her. “Excuse me while I go help Justin with the coffee.”

Deb looked at Jennifer and shrugged, “he’s got a point, Sunshine is a grown man.”  
“He’s still my son.”  
“And you know I feel like he’s mine too but what are you going to do? He’s got Brian, he’s always gonna turn to Brian.’  
“You told me once Brian would finish with him.”  
“I was wrong, Brian’s grown up recently too if you haven’t noticed, they kinda grew up together.”  
Jennifer sighed, “He’s still my little boy.”  
“I know.”  
They sat in silence listening to the muffled clatter of dishes in the kitchen.  
“You don’t think that they….” Jennifer trailed off.  
”What, did a little fucking and sucking while they were upstairs? If they didn’t Brian’s changed more than I thought he could.”  
Jennifer rested her head in her hands, “Am I ever gonna get used to this?”  
Deb shrugged, “I don’t know, but if you don’t, you’ll never get to see your son, and is that what you really want.”  
Face still in her hands Jennifer shook her head, and then straightened her shoulders and met Justin's smile with one of her own when he and Brian returned with the coffee.  
“Brian, I’m sorry, I do trust you, and sweetie…” she turned her attention to Justin, “I just worry about you, I’m a mom, it’s what I do.”  
Justin walked around the table and kissed her cheek. “Thank you.”  
He leaned over and kissed Deb as well, “both of you.”

While Justin and Brian were facing the wrath of the mothers at brunch, Lindsay was dealing with her own issues, having agreed to meet Melanie for lunch. She left Gus with Michael and Ben, who were already watching JR and drove to the restaurant Mel had chosen, unsure of what to expect, or what she was going to say.


End file.
